if you walk out the door.
30 march 1999.
will i see you again?

mm. i'm hungry again. i swim for hours then sleep for hours then do nothing mindless things for hours.

my face is still absolutely disgusting. things like this are giving me a headache. i don't want you.

i like the harmonies. i like the way you sound like a boy & i sound like a girl. meaning of life is taken.

i'm not exactly sure [dually noted!] why we were born or born to lose in the first place. there's some sort of matrix that i'm stuck in the middle of, creation vs. responsibility. i REALLY should not be in school. i should NOT be doing this. this isn't right. a double back, a step or two, a moment of silence.

you people.

no, look. i'm telling you, sir, i don't know what you're talking about. dear sir. to whom it may concern. i need help. i want to get into your school, your program. don't look behind me, just look at my eyes, look at what i'm holding out in front of you. turn off the t.v. & pay attention.

i don't want you.

which way do you see my world? through what eyes are you looking at my life? i don't want to be reminded of who i was, i just want to know who i'm going to be. "maybe we should just be friends." surely there are good intentions.
trodding along, let me fall down. let me fall down, please. i need to get dirty again. i need a motivator. you see my world through eyes.

but not through mine.

"but, blue, what are your eyes seeing that we're not?"
failure.
"what?"
total lack of motivation. i'm treading a fine line between getting kicked out of school & hurting. i'm walking a desert.
"but wait a minute. you don't have any motivation? i'm confused. you sound so motivated."
well this is because i am lying to you.

no ripcord.


i have noticed.. i don't know if you have. but if you look back on my.. drabblings.. i have asked too many questions. too many in the way of not really having an answer. but the thing is, i Do have an answer. i do. it just doesn't seem like the right one. even the right angle is the TRY angle.. but i beg for piece/peace of mind. i want to get something pierced. inside my body. me & my john xxiii.. i just can't shake this belief. mmm.

come out, come out. there's nothing in there, really.

it's never.

too good.