with a little come on come on come on.
6 april 1999.
don't you stop.

show me where you've got it 'cause i know you've got a habit.

Physical State: Intense shaking, panic attack/anxiety ridden, tight shoulders, pain in lower back. Tendency to fold in half, get into odd positions with legs tucked under the chin. Setting self on fire, inflicting pain in the right shoulder. Ligaments tightened, excessive hair flying frizzing.

excessiveexcessiveexcessiveexcessiveexcessive



Mental State: Updated from earlier. Self is ugly, tired, tight, stressed, distressed worried, tired wants to happen. It's better to rot than fade away. Is everyone here? Are we all present? Can we Begin the meeting? WEll done. Did you freeze or weep or go?

Annie are you okay?


Marital Status:

Location: i Want out , motherfucker. it rains & rains & rains. but never on me. never on me. sweet i thin its okay. i've never felt so out of control what you're going doing to me stop don't you STOP



won't you be back tomorrow?
won't you?
i want you to.

i'm scared. everyone everyone everyone i needt o cry go cry mama..

please.

everytime i try i falter. it's okay it's okay it'at ok

some time keeps you out of reach.


so love my mind right now, though it won't last.. this thought this being this losing this gain this .. this.. this.. everytime you lay your head down i know your hand goes underneath your pillow on your stomach EVERY TIME

i can't. i try but i cant.





please forget the words i said. it wasn't me.



running over my hands.
run to the bathroom the premonition stricken..
grab the soap & the towel from the basket
everytime you run
creeping creaking door
third sink.
warm water comes out easy.
soap & towel down.
third stall.
fast. falsetto. clean neat out door jam
it won't last but put it anyway.
start temperature, gaging correctly. don't make me think about anything else, elbow test.
warm. not scalding but removed.
soap. thick, together, on thing squirting through my claps
rub, lather BUBBLES oh GOD the bubbles
the bubbles
liquid foam, floating
so soft so together so soft
so soft i want to feel it. sleeves up
rubbing wrist bruises heaven
god oh the bubbles please more more soap push the lever
swimming running underneath water of called calm
it's defined .. this.. thiis..

face face watch the hair circles rub in circles
creating a foam, rather a lather
i love it.
ilovey ou soap.
im' safe
i'm safe in this heaven.


WE WEPT TOGETHER.


i dream of being wet/well
it's together. neck, face lean down one handed
it's all right right handed
miracle of speed, WIPE HURRY QUICK

wash the rain away QUICKLY DRY
QUICKLY much better. safety.
the calm.
dew. everything is new. i'm with a few.
i must know why. i'm here. i'm leaning over this marble
being of this sink.
clammering down, wipe down, wipe it away
if i can then i will
come on wash it away
i came to stake my wave
i came to pounce & attack. i'm here


grab slippery, pull sleeve down hold the metal return
rerun.

calm.

before long. calm.


calm.


calm.




calm.



all the thoughts that you think & the words..
they won't let you stay.

i turn around & now she's gone.
i'm not exactly.. sure.

i know i was in tears for a while. don't know exactly what she means to me, because i don't really believe in magic. every move you make, every step you take.. it's automatic.

i didn't mind being on my own. now i'm not sure which park to visit.

i went down to newman today. just to dirty my jeans & sit near the water. i climbed a tree & almost fell. i bet she's more limber & easier to get around.

i have a shoebox that i started.. for all of us. All Of Us. you know. Us. & i guess i don't believe in magic, but i'm going to try anyway. i was just passing by & i threw a rock into the murk, the muck..

i'm better, now i'm gone. right? there are Million things floating in my eyes. a little more lost in the sides, their pockets (since eyes must have somewhere to put things for safe keeping).
i have a headache. do you have a headache too?


i don't believe in magic, really. i'm not a magical girl & there is nothing but drug induced comas for girls like me.




girls like me.

i'm fluxing. consistantly, as one uses the word lightly. it slips off your tongue. please don't say it with that hissing 's' sound that some pretty/preppy girls use to sound sleek or attractive. i don't get it. it just sounds slithery to me.

destiny! watch me jump! how strong is the resistance, which we might spell differently if it were the name for something else. but it's not & i've washed my hands of language.

THE space.


i spent part of the night going "jenny this is your font color" & instead of just copying & pasting with each new font color, i wrote the words over & over & over again.

"well. if you look at it this way.. he didn't really copy & paste well. i mean, if he really did adore you, he would have done a better job."

what did you seem? sigh. okay. so. i don't know. i don't know.

come on.

little rabbit.