things went back to normal today. there was something in the way that you smiled, the way you perked your ears back & cocked your head. something has gone right. for once? i'm coming. i'm on my way. i pleaded & begged & i'm coming after all. here. i wonder where you are. live with the faults. live with this secret place. why don't you?

disowned.

get away. stand back. it's going to blow. no more of this. i want to stand next to you, lean & slant to the left, act like i don't care. because i don't care. it's you who cares in the end, after all. i don't care. stand down.

you aren't anything i imagine. you aren't real, i think. i venture to say you're not alive. what you friends said, what is best forgotten. i can't. i won't be around when you really need me. is that it? Never. No.

unspoken. you don't speak. you don't need to. i see it in your eyes. i hear it waft through your lips, burn your throat. do i hear you when i close my eyes? do i hear you when i'm screaming out in the middle of the daydream, ..

fricassee into my pan. fry. give yourself up. the struggle is over. succumb.

stop squirming. hold you down. stop moving. i have you now. lose your words, shut your eyes. without you there, i don't know where to go. i'm walking the streets of my mind & you're walking in front of me. don't reach back just yet.. not yet. keep holding. angels without you there. i'm running to catch you. catch you. you. but you walk in slow motion & i can't keep up, the ground sucks me in, pulls me down, holds me down. hold me down.

you there?

how ever did we end up here? what did we decide to mention when the dealer came to call? is that correct, the words we planned, the thoughts we remember..? did i practice this over & over in the mirror before they came home. i know you did. i saw your side as you leaned down.

disconnected & disoriented.

bowed down.

bowed out. where do we head to now? i suppose we're all climbing this ladder, this chute .. i know if i let go, we all slide down. you're the first to go.

i don't really hear what you're saying. i don't reply because i'm not interested in replying. i don't care how you feel. i don't really want to know. i'm not interested in it. i just like to hear that you like me. that you think i'm special. that you think i'm one. jesus, leave me alone for one moment. all i want is to feel you as someone else. i believe you're someone else. dizzy up the girl.

i just want to hear my name. i just want to know my fear is on your lips. i'm wearing my blue eyes tonight. you won't be able to find me. i want you to search, pursue, but that is all. disconnect.

one is longer than the other. we're walking a tightrope & you're the one who will fall first. i'm ready to push.

are you ready to crash down?

explain to me why i'm like this. explain why you attract my frowns & faces. i don't really want anything to do with you.

i really didn't & won't mean to hurt you. it just happens.