i'm going to slip into something..

1 march 1999.

more.. camouflaged.

i'm getting better at admitting my inadequacies & my shortcomings. i think. for instance, i have really bad legs. i'm also incredibly stubborn & on an unrelated note, when i'm trying to do something physical, i end up shaking too hard to get it done.

but let's talk for a minute about something that you & i both love. yes, that's right.

underwear.

i am thrilled with my underwear this week for a few reasons. first of all, i did mass loads of laundry this weekend, sucking up more downy fabric softener than humanly possible (they should really make it into a body splash of some sort). now i'm not into the flashy underwear. i'm a jockey girl. just plain, simple. just cottony cloth. it's covering my ass, people -- i'm not presenting a cure for cancer in front of the winners of nobel peace prizes. get serious. for those of you who have issues with underwear, i can't really understand you. i have a friend who Lives for underwear.. it's the most important thing she puts on in the morning. okay, sure, i can see that. i wouldn't want to go commando either. but what underwear i happen to be squeezing into is not the center of my day. jeans chafe. i'm not going in without protection & that's it.

this weekend, mom & i went out to some random cheap-ass store. i got what audrey called "boardshorts" & this random hawaiian stupid tourist shirt. i like it. but we also went for the underwear. hey, that's something everyone can enjoy! we're looking just at my typical underwear & the people at jockey are trying for some reason to trick me. let's see. we have bikini, french bikini & string bikini. what?! where did all this come from? isn't this just underwear? okay, i'm not wearing the same briefs as my grandmother, but let's get serious. it's Covering your ASS, people. so anyway. i got two three-packs while mom averted my attention to another rack ::snicker::

on one is random stuff for those of you who would rather worry more about YOUR ASS than what's in between your two front teeth. it's cute, sure. i'm sucked in by the winnie the pooh underwear. don't get me wrong. i'm a sucker for cute hundred acre wood animals. call me crazy. so mom gives the signal to splurge & i grab one with pooh looking rather forlorn, which i found funny since he is basically making more headway than most of the people i've dated. come on, pooh, cheer up. sheesh. as i'm walking away, there's another pair that catches my eye. this one has pooh sitting in random stalks of star-shaped flowers, looking giddy. except they have writing on it. "wondering brings a smile." uhm, Excuse me? you're doing What in my underwear? what in the world are you wondering about, pooh? i knew you were a casanova, but Come On. he's sprawled out in the fake grass, oh-so seductively, wondering about my ass! i just about died. so yes, of course i got them.

now that we got the formalities out of the way, mom & i decide to make satirical comments about the rest of the section. we come around to this one hanging thing (i didn't want to say "rack" again) that has two different kinds of camouflaged bras hanging on it. one is blue, one is green. so my mom picks one up & says, "look, my chest isn't really there! you can't see me because i'm in a camouflaged bra. i've been using one of these for years! maybe that's my problem" & she kind of fluffs herself like pigeons do & laughs. although this isn't something i brought up, i know that audrey had one like the blue kind. i always thought it was neat. foreshadows her military career. but i wonder if that's how transvestites do it.. wear camouflaged undergarments in order to cover up their out-of-place parts. "you can't see me! i'm wearing camo!" hahahaha.

so i'm wondering if this whole underwear thing is going to make me feel like more of a sex goddess. i mean, i already have the word SEX blasting from just my physical appearance, i mean, come on. get serious, i AM sex. duh. but the point was to say that i don't know how underwear makes you feel like a temptress. just come out completely nekked. don't cover anything up. & while you're at it, get that stalk of broccoli out of your teeth.

comfy..

no?