hot ashes for trees.
5 april 1999.
cold comfort for change.

there are just some absolutely amazing lines in music.
"did you exchange a walk-on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?"
"wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door."

the sun is the same in a relative way. i wonder if you see the dark like i see the dark. i would suppose not because you see less of it than i do. well, you definitely see more of it than me, if you want to judge comparitively. but judges can be real bastards. i like the sound of the wind as it's blowing through our seventh floor windowed hallway.

i'm telling raoul that i'm feeling silly. maybe the drugs don't work they just make you worse happy pills! i had a dream about justin & kevin & kneel looking for my happy pills or some such nonesense. maybe it was in the snow. it still gets cold at night. someday, i would like to make as much money as my father does.. so we can live the life i lived growing up.

what, i'm asking rob, were you like as a child? my shoulders need rubbing, badly. my hands need holding, my neck nuzzling, eyes gazing, ocean flattening.. i'm flat from the things like under me when the wind changes.

what were you like as a child?
"difficult."
"what kind of question is that?"
aw.
i don't know.
"what do you want to hear?"
what kind of question is "what kind of question is that," hm?

before long.. mmm.

i'm painting fishies on my tummy & my chest & arms like raoul suggested.

"'cause when you're naked, you have no close on."


i have too many friends with the letter "j" in his/her name. my j key has stopped functioning properly.

listen to gavin friday.


i can't stay awake in cars!!!




i'm trying to get raoul to shave his leg.


raoul shaved part of his leg. i have fishies all over me. glub glub.

i'm insanely (well, not really but i just typed the word anyway) jealous of neilboy for getting to be in cali. man. son of a bitch. i wanna go to cali. goddamn it. i mean. i could. i should. & goddamn it, maybe i will. but i don't want aud to have to pay for it. i'm just increasingly broke & i think everyone needs to understand that.

i'm sitting here, eating the chocolate bread that my mum made for me & thinking about a diet mountain dew & wanting to hug audrey & have her fall asleep with her arm around my waist because i know she's safe.

yesterday, i had to shave my legs in the car. i hate bullshit.

NEIL I WANNA COME TO CALI TOO!!!!


i can't tell you how big of a headache i have. my fucking god. i'm going to rant, okay? so just skip or read on, but bitch to me later.

i think i don't understand. who, you'd say? meeeeee. well, DUH. who understands themselves, blue? well, dear reader, i would like to tell you a little bit about myself.

blue has no motivation to do any work. blue has a very low gpa. blue does not do much but sleep & write & not get paid for either. (you'd think there would be studies for people like blue.) blue has a very low gpa & should be on suspension soon. she is going to take one class this summer & then start all over again. but with the still low gpa. & blue would like to say 'fuck gpa' but she knows she can't do that new york is on the line! said sam. i have a HEADACHE. FUCK. did i SAY that already? am i BEING repetitive? could i be ANY more repetitive?

oh. you're still here. or i'm still here. my apologies. i want some pretzels.

does anyone have any suggestions? i have the answer before you do, but i won't be graded on a curve, now will i.

crazy child swing.


mayday oh my i'm the one to make you cry
mayday it's all gone wrong i turn around
& now she's gone
mayday oh my i'm the one to make you cry
mayday, what do you know
one comes, the other goes
mayday oh my i'm the one to make you cry
mayday it's all gone wrong i turn around
& now she's gone
mayday oh my i'm the
one to make you cry
mayday, what do you know one comes, the other goes
mayday
mayday
mayday
mayday

-booth & the bad angel.