[7 december 1998]

a sour fuck off.

i could write in code, but i don't want to. just because this is the way i feel & that's all that has to do with that. if anyone wants to discuss this with me, leave a message in my box & i'll respond to you, but please do not venture to speak to me about it in person.

(side note: notes on the side..

you know, i'll admit, i blow things out of proportion.

but be that as it may, it's how i feel.

so be aware.)

i don't like it when people associate me with other people. i don't want to be anyone else, nor do i want you to think i'm someone else. not even like someone else. especially experiences they've had that are similar to that which is being experienced with me now. it's a fire that burns my feet & zips through my veins into my canals. so i'm burning all over.

it doesn't happen too often. but when it does happen, when it does interrupt the flow of something, it hurts. it's a fire. it's a smoldering breath blown into my eyes. <cough> a red line painted slant underneath me.

i hate it. i hate feeling that i've done something bad when it's not even my fault. i'm sorry for wanting to know. i'm sorry for seeming interested. can i help it that i find things {you} say compelling & want to know more? no, i'm not going to push for more.. just say the word & i'm back in the square i came from. but don't compare me to someone else. don't think that i'm not me, don't think that i'm going to turn out just like all the rest do. i'm not like anyone else, goddamn it.

don't fuck with my emotions & tug the threads if you're going to pretend they unravel in your fingers. don't toy with me. i don't like to feel the way i feel now & i sure as fuck don't like to be unrequited. i didn't have anything planned. i didn't infer anything. i didn't make a move that i wasn't supposed to. i wasn't even going to! how can someone get a jump on my emotions?! speculation fucks with my head, man. i've had way too many people who have fucked with my head in the way that i've previously described. please don't be one of those people.

inside your pretending,
crimes have been swept aside,
somewhere, where they can forget.

divine upper reaches,
still holding on.
this ocean will not be grasped.
all for nothing.

refuse to surrender.
strung out until ripped apart.
who dares, who dares to condemn
all for nothing.