all this talk of getting on.
two march 1999.
like a cat in a bag, waiting to drown.

i hope you're thinking of me. lie down on your side. the drugs don't work. see my face? throw it against the wall, honey.


i don't know how to tell john any other way that i'm psycho nervous. "calm," he says. calm my ass. wait, that was last entry. "settle. you'll be fine." well, yes, but could we please get to that point & have it end & then walk out with hands & go home?

waiting to drown. spinning. i hope you do the things you say. i hope you can speak when i'm in the room. that you don't shake too hard. i have an excuse. tremors. i'm better off dead. nooooo. bad idea. shush, richard. sing in my ear. okay. thanks. mm. calming. my contacts feel gross. itchy eyes. i know i'll see your face. your face. interrupting my blind spots. please fill that. never coming down no more.
hoyeah.
i'm tired. i'm tired. yes. but sleep..? not an option. this is what i want my house to look like. this is the perfect suburbanite structure. i will kick your ass. watch my fists fly into your nose, lay into your stomach. go on, watch.

i consult someone who does not know me on how to get myself. this bothers me. i feel unprotected. you are not suppose to know this much about me, ghostwriter. i don't know you on a personal level, & we are all not the same. we are not the same. in my lucid dreams. do you see? we are all not the same. you have no idea what happens with someone's hand on the lower part of my back. how awful that feels. pleasedontdothat. keep catching up. fall back, get behind. whoops. you aren't supposed to write how i envision this moment. you aren't supposed to know what it's like to reach past my scars. all of that bug stuff.

i don't know what i'm living for i don't know who you are anymore. my god. how scary. one simple question. a two lined sentence. adoration/ignoration? does that fit? yes. it does. beleathing. in my darkest dream. shift between ears. i want to hear you in mono & in stereo. kneeling. keeling. reeling. realing?

bluesing.

my forgotten schemes. take your teeth & grab onto my ear. shark attack. i see through me. don't tell me what to do with my mouth, ghostwriter. don't tell me where to go or how. i don't want to know. just leave me alone. i'll do this one myself. blind leading the blind. space & time. space & means. modes & mentions. mm.

what? i'm sorry. no, what? come again? who? huh? what? what?! no real truth, no real lies, i know it's there. keep on pushing. arms length question. hold your hand? whichever. hand around the back of your neck. i just can't make it alone oh no no.

i don't want to wake up alone tomorrow.

you see.

like i see.