Hey.....how are you doing? I'm doing good. My name is Willie, and I'm a truck driver....I'm also drunk half the time. But that's alright. Because if I wasn't drunk, I wouldn't have this neat little forum to babble on and on about how bad my life sucks. This is the Official Willie the Truckdriver's Drunken Late Night Ramblings site...remember that...it's official. Not like all them porn sites out there....free membership my a--...
Where should I begin about my life? My childhood? My first job? My skank of a first wife who ran out on me after two months to hook up with that blasted midget that was in that traveling circus that was coming through town on that fourth of July afternoon?! The story of my first job it is then...
I was about....sixteen or seven years old I belive. I remember, first thing in the mornings before school...I used to put on a little grass hula skirt and dance around my bedroom all morning long. I had hairy legs though...and they were visibly hairy through the skirt so I had to shave 'em. Of course nobody told me you should use a razor to shave your legs. That's why I used a knife in the kitchen. And that's how I got this scar right here on my leg...
That was a beautiful story of my first job wasn't it? Come back next month to hear yet another one of my drunken ramblings...I'm Willie the Truck Driver..come back now ya hear?! That's what they used to say on a tv show...that's why it's funny...get it?
This is my latest midnight drunken rambling. It's either 6-20-99 or 20-6-99 depending on what part of the world you come from. Wouldn't that sweet of me to do? Speaking of sweet, today since Valentine's Day is coming up, I'd like to talk about my first Valentine's Day sweetheart.
Her name was Becky, but I called her Honey cause I couldn't remember her name and plus she was just like honey when her love came over me. And it was also cause I like honey. She called me Pooh Bear.
Cause I smelled like pooh...
Well, I bought her a box of chocolates and my momma's good corset. I was hoping she would do a little runway walk at the time for me. Of course, her daddy being the preacher and all, it probably won't such a good idea for me to give her the presents right in front of him and the whole congregation.
Next thing I knew, Preacher Paul pulled down my britches, gave me a whoopin', and made me put that corset on and march all the way home.
I thought to myself, "My! This is shorely a new tradition the church has picked up! And to think I was scared to be baptised!"
And I love that corset so much I still wear it sometimes...I put it on a lot more these days...'specially since the divorce..
Hey, wherez mah dawgs at? No seriously, wherez mah dawgs at?! I lost my huntin' dogs, Scrap Iron, Red, and Red Jr. And I don't know where they're at. Maybe they're helping Santa Clause get ready for Christmas. Christmas...boy that shore brings home some chil' hood memories. Did I ever tell you 'bout the time my cousin Jacob dared me to hit Aunt Mary over the head with a Yule log? Well he did, and I did. And Aunt Mary got put flat in a coma for 65 years. When she woke up about 5 minutes after I had hit her with the Yule log, she had to urinate really bad. Now this story is funny on account of two reasons. One because it involves urine, and b, because it's true. Well, ol' Aunt Mary had to PEE and she got up walked out to the outhouse, shut the door, and did. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA! THAT'S FUNNY!! Well, it was. Guess you had to be there. Anyway, to all those folks who feel left out around this time of year, have a Merry Kwanzakuh and a Happy Jew Year ! Your buddy, and mine, Willie the Drunken Truck Driver.
PS: Egg Nog is Jiggy.
Hey diddle diddle! Happy birth diddly day! The House of Spam Cakes has really taken off ain't it? 'Course I wasn't here in the beginning. Nah, it wasn't until that faithful night they discovered me passed out in their driveway in a pool of my own filth that I became a member of the House of Spam Cakes. That reminds me of my very first prom. Me and Tammy Lynn Daugherty was 'sposed to go together, but she went with Davie Crawdad instead. So I got back all of 'em. It's like that movie Carrie, 'cept without the telegenic powers and all. Since I ain't have any super dandy powers I had to rely on what I was blessed with. So to make a long story short I took a piss in Davie's convertable while him and Tammy Lynn was sitting in it at the drive through window of the Charburger. I urined until I had filled up the whole car and they were flooded and had to escape. It's nasty ain't it? I know, but it's the truth. Happy Birthday to my posse. Later ya'll.
You passed the breathalyzer test so I'm gonna let you back in the house of spam cakes.
