Ranting and Raving

I've decided my gift to the world will be the following:  A device that is installed in a car so that if you are in the passing lane doing any less than 11 miles per hour over the speed limit and cars are backed up behind you, your car will explode.  AND within milliseconds of the explosion, giving you just enough time to comprehend the fact that your slowness has caused your car to explode, your head will then explode as well (don't really know how I'm going to make heads explode, but it's really worth it to explore this option in my opinion). I saw a blind midget the other day....talk about getting the short end of the stick.  (bah dum bum) To the assface who broke into my car and stole my gate remote and my ice scraper:  Raise the bar, dumbass. Life is what happens while you're repaying student loans.... Next time I'm having a bad day, don't say "At least you're alive."  You've never BEEN dead, so you don't know if it's ACTUALLY BETTER OR WORSE TO BE DEAD, but if you say that crap one more time you might get the chance to compare and contrast! Remember back in the day, when Eddie Vedder and Pearl Jam had angst and talent?  Yeah, when Eddie could sing and the drummer had talent and the guitarists had riffs?  Yeah.  Why don't they? If any Fortune 500 company needs a CEO, I'm available. I can run a business into the dirt faster than everyone else out there and I'll only charge a 10 million dollar severance package.  I'm a steal. I find it sad that the "music" industry is more about t&a than talent.  If you can't even make lip-syncing believable, than show me your boobs.  That's all you have to offer.  Miss Spears, you can make your rebuttal here. Everyone deserves forgiveness...but that's God's job, not mine. Everyone should be mandated to work retail for at least a year of their life so they would know what friggin' pricks customers can be! I love humanity, it's the people I hate... Never trust a gay plumber...too much room for unfortunate misunderstandings...pipe, wrench, fitting, stool and such...it all sounds like dialogue out of a bad porn flick Stupid people shouldn't breath so much... Sometimes life throws you a lemon.  Throw it back at him!  Man!  Life can be a prick sometimes!  I mean, really, what's his problem!?! I am the George Lazenby of the human race.  Strong performance, believable, but oddly forgettable.  (James Bond fans will understand that one....) In high school, I was voted "most likely never to be voted most likely".... (chew on that a bit!  We call that IRONY....) "Survivor" is the furthest thing in the world from "reality TV".  No one trapped on a deserted island ever had to balance on a rope and shoot twenty coconuts out their ass through a bamboo hoop for some crabmeat, a Swiss Army knife, and a lifejacket. Never trust a man in over-alls unless he's painting your house or conducting the train. No good conversation ever began "We gotta talk..." Everything goes better with beer.