A blur of realities be I in. What's right and what's wrong? What's valid
and what's not? I think sometimes that I
try to bond physical and spiritual reasoning
together, and I must realize that this just cannot be done with the knowledge
or abilities that I currently have. Among them,
this is one of the biggest problems on my quest.
Logicality was always
one thing that I could cling reliably onto in this world. Now that I've
taken a turn for
the better, I've found out the hard way that
the logic system within me must be shut down before I can enter and attempt
to
achieve my spiritual goals; unfortunately, this
makes me vulnerable to a lot of unknown territory. My only defense is
my heart and inner being.
Thus I get feelings
of doubt or unsureness in my actions whenever my logic unit comes back
on. My only source of
information comes from others that are experienced
in this field. Lately, fate has began to torture me like a voodoo
doll; my parents are attempting to push my bedtime
back further and further. Their excuse is that I'm abusing my
rights; I don't understand. There are many things
that seem to be gnawing away contentedly at my being now too. College
tensions, national testing centers, my "quest",
school work, miscellaneous arts and activities that I've gotten myself
involved in, it's all a big mess when I look
at it from above. Lately I've cried a lot more than what I used to; I
guess it's just because there's no other way
to vent my frustrations/anxieties/doubts.
I must remember what
I know is true... but from where? Which plane do I operate in? In the past
I believed it
possible to operate in both at the same time,
but now I'm not so sure anymore. It's good to hold on to one's physical
integrity, but at the same time it's also good
to expand and learn a deeper spirituality; these are two things that I
cannot do at once; I've learned this the hard
way and I'm still learning it.
And I'm still lost in
the dark clouds of turmoil. I must keep my flight direct and straight.
Turning in different
directions only makes my situation worse, like
being lost in a cornfield. I'm trying ever so diligently to keep the
faith... and my direction.