Who is me - Volume 1
 

     Who is Jason Wadsworth and what's so special about him that makes him different from everyone else? To the first question, I am Jason Wadsworth. To the second... well, you might already have a good idea that that's what I intend to tell you about in the most of this letter. Before I disect myself though, I must remind you... All humans have egos; I have an ego; you have an ego; there's no point in denying it. I will try to direct this letter from the heart, though I doubt that it can be 100 perecent pure...

     I do not know why I am who I am, all I know is who I am and how my life has led me. Many years ago, when I was still in grade school and middle school, I hated my life, and I hated school more than ever. I had always grown up with a feeling that I should be myself, and that mimicing others was just pointless and stupid. As my years progressed in school, I found that nobody else seemed so open about their own ideas and opinions of things and everyone seemed to shut me out for how I lived... which with time came to be by myself. An inward rage burned within me; angry at times, at other times just depressed or feeling like this is just the way it is. They had almost put me in a special ed class for the way I lived. Actually... I think they did for one year. At the beginning of eighth grade, I had had enough. I was so absolutely fed up with school and society and my life on earth that I just wished God would send me away. Never did I nor have I ever contimplated suicide, and I am glad for this; I guess this is somewhat a similar feeling that most heavily stressed people get when they contimplate suicide.. But I just took all of this emotion and anger and converted it to faith; immediate, I-know-that-this-will-happen faith. I told myself that God will grant me a space vessel (I was into drawing fancy starfighters at the time) as I constructed it and I would fly away from earth never to return... I began to plan my courses, where I would go first, estimated times of arrival (ETA's), charts, everything. This went on for more than 2 months... one night I *knew* that this was the night... this singular night, God would take me away and I would leave Earth forever. I awoke the next morning with reality laughing in my face. Lying in my bed. staring up at my posters of stars and charts, and starfighters. A tear came to my eye, and another, but I did nothing more; I did not cry further. I simply accepted God's answer. For the next few weeks I just moped around in a silent, sort of nonchalant pout. I knew that I would just have to try and tap into society again, no matter how much I hated it; if I didn't I knew that I would suffer to no end. I had tried to imitate other's actions before, and they never did work. I was still the same, stupid, retarded Jason. Very shortly after I
picked myself up and tried to gather my broken pieces did I notice a quiet, very nice and an always smiling kinda kid. He is now a dear friend of mine, and I so adored him for his nuetrality on my problems... he did seem to sympathize for me everynow and then. I began to mimic him; I only spoke when required to, and was silent about nearly everything. Week by week, month by month, the stress was slowly lifted off of my person; I had found a way out at last. Now being a senior in high school, I have a pretty nice solid relationship with most everyone. And for those whom I don't well, I just let them be; never antagonizing or trying to draw their attention. Some people still would rather see me as a punching bag rather than a pretty nuetral, and nice person to be around with. They key to my success here was keeping my creativity and personality locked inside of me but to establish a well disguised mask of myself. To this day, I am greatfull for Jared's person in my life.

     That was the first part of my life. I am now well into the second act and have am not sure of it's ends and/or beginnings; but I do know that this act will either end soon or it will last much longer than what I anticipate. In my Junior year (grade 11) I was admitted to a special class for students who went through testing and did well. Now about 80 students tried out for this class in the Sophmore (10th) year, including myself; only 18 were to be admitted. I had doubts that I could make it in because of my GPA which was pretty low compared to those who were trying out. I was shocked at the end of the year to find out that I had been accepted! At the beginning of this class we were all whiners because we had to type up long 300 word reports for the english part. (the course was like American literature and history combined that was 2 periods long, and consisted of 2 teachers) I didn't know why so many had problems with it... My reports were usually up to if not over 600 words long. And the class continued... there were many stressful nights for me here; I was doing work for that class at home nearly every day for most of the night. Work like book reports,  multimedia projects, speeches, paperwork, reading, essays, the works, and I complained a lot; but now I am so very glad that I decided to take the class when I had the choice. This class re-unleashed my creativity within. So now after this class, I had most of society on my side and at least open to most of what I did, and said, and I had also uncovered my creative personality which allowed me to excel in all that I did thereafter. As I look at my life from above at this point, I am filled with joy, knowing that God really had plans for me to pull through in the near future.

      Now I am taking another new step. Spirituality and New Age ideas have been introduced to me. I was first introduced into it by a book that I thought (haha silly me) was just about Dolphins; yes, by the way I was so attracted to them when I first discovered their secret potential within that I did heavily consider switching career plans to marine science, but after a few months, I decided that it's best for me to stick with my keyboards and computers - I had at least some experience there. But with this book... I was hurled into a new reality that I had never before heard of, believed in or saw. And as I read this book, I was also in a state of constant analyzation; creating simulations and testing different things and variables to see if such a life could possibly exist. When I was through with the book, I calculated a general aftermath of the whole experience: yes, life could be lived like this indeed. It really kinda comes down to a different idea of religion and religious practices. It is a faith that is generally based upon the finding the undiscovered power and potential that God his bestowed in each and everyone of us, and is strongly based on a universal love for all living things; the expression of love to realize that all things are interconnected through love and divine spirit. Although at the time of this writing, I am still very new to this new concept of the second plane of life, I feel that it exists... if you have read any of my other works of writing before, especially "A New Step" you will find my strongest proofs there; I have experienced a little of it, and I am so happy that I have and that my analyzations were correct. Please, if you are at all interested in what I speak of here and if you are not sure whether you should take a further step into life, get in contact with me; I am a very open person and I will not turn down anyone unless I am being very stressed for time to the point where I am having a difficult time keeping my essentials in line.

     I'd like to shortly branch down to this analytical part of me. I've found it to be useful and to be a curse at times. It is strange though... this part of me was created during the time of that special class; I think that I had a bit of it tucked away and bundled in with a lot of my creativity, but I think that the class did some good reinforcement on it, because when you write things like we did, you were in a constant state of analyzation. When I meet someone new, I am subconsiously analyzing everything about the person, their words, the way they speak, look, move, everything. This is very helpful because I can quickly gain insight on what kind of person this is, and make some quick assumptions about him/her. Most of these assumptions I will keep to myself though and use them privatly only; I never ever have a desire to offend anyone, and I hardly ever lash out at anyone. This analytic mind can be a pain though, especially now since I've discovered this new way of life in the
spiritual sense. When I am meditating, and if I recieve any kind of input from an external source, or just a hidden source within myself, a subconsious/consious part of me will immediatly break this down and look at it from every angle. It can be good to see if the thought that I recieved was from my own imagenation, but it sometimes clouds up my reception while it does the workings; and quite a few times, I am not sure whether the thought came from my imagenation or not; then I spend about 3 to 5 seconds being stuck on whether or not the statement was from a higher source, while all the time, I totally cloud all spiritual reception. I am still learning how to deal with this, and it's not easy. I thought that maybe I should attempt to shut the whole thing down during meditation. First of all, I couldn't do it, second of all, somebody mentioned to me that you do need to keep some part of it active so that you aren't fooled or that you aren't visited by something not-so-nice...

    Well, this pretty much concludes my inner life story for now. May God bless us all in all that we do and try. And I thank him for all that he has done for and given to me. Blaring rainbows of colors abound now and forever from me.