As I sat in my cold seat at my desk, I simply stared ahead blankly at the
teacher who was lecturing us, only
half-heartedly noting that I was in a trance
of wandering thoughts. I was in another dimension of thought;
contemplating on what had taken place within
me for the past four or five months. Had this reverse in my life's polarity
really helped me? I noted it to be a mixed blessing.
Why had God put me in this funny position anyways? I sometimes felt
so alone in what I was going through. My classmates
just can't understand what's been going through me for the past
few months; to them my change in character meant
very little or practically nothing. I had already felt completely isolated
once in my life.That feeling of isolation was
now coming back, except for now it's of a far greater degree. I sat in
deep,
unbound thought.
I steady glare from
Mrs. Wertman, given as a warning, broke me out of this trance. I acknowledged
my error and
allowed class to proceed. But even though I acknowledged
it, that doesn't mean I had to correct it; I put my head down out
of her line of sight and slipped back into deep
thought again. I was beginning to feel very humble; the thoughts of
me being the only student in Southridge High
School who was deeply involved in New Age spirituality made me wish that
I
had not pursued it with such drive. But that
was then, and this was now. You cannot just break out of these things and
return to practical worldly thought overnight.
I noted that during the past few months, many new social rings had either
been established or collapsed; this was because
of my new way of perceiving life, and the actions that I took to comply
with my new views and their assertions. God knows
that the past few months had been very stressful. Fortunately, the
loneliness that I felt was not completely negative;
it made me feel good about myself, thinking that perhaps God saw me
as good and true in heart and soul, therefor
granting me this gift early in my life. But the problems that I faced
sometimes were nearly unbearable.
A few social rings that I
had long since planted myself in had been slowly crumbling throughout the
past few months; most
of them were falling away quiet and peacefully.
That is, all except for the one of my parents. I sat remembering many fights
we
had; fights not only over what I was doing, but
also over how much time I could spend on the computer getting assistance
and
guidance from distant friends who had already
achieved what I was dreaming of. I didn't think that there was any way
that I
could peacefully hide this from them; the skirmishes
had been occurring now at least twice a week, and it really tore me up
inside at times. For I never wanted to bring
harm or anger to them, but for some evasive reason they continued to lash
out at
me over minor flaws, or sometimes just for no
reason at all. I tried to affirm myself that I was doing all that I could,
and I
could only live it out as best I could. This,
I thought, was part of the advancement process placed before me.
That now familiar overpowering
feeling of gloom and doubt began to encompass me again, and the bell for
passing
period rang. As I walked along the crammed hallways,
I thought of all the creative and spiritual potential within
each student that I passed. This new way perceiving
life had awakened so much within me. The ability to explore the
universe simply with the mind, increased creativity,
awareness and sensitivity, and possibilities of co-creation of the future
- all
had been planted and were growing within me as
my life progressed. If anyone could obtain this euphoria, then why not
at least
give it some consideration? Why was it that so
many turned me down with silent words of judgment that pierced me to the
heart? I could explain it. I could show them
if they would only allow me to. But, this was not the case, nor was it
an exception
that God had granted me, I thought. I took bitter,
self-scolding note of all the time that I spent on thoughts like these
rather than
thoughts pertaining to the classroom
. "Goodmorning,
Mr. Hunefeld," I greeted one of my more favorite teachers. I loved him
dearly for his solid character, good
teaching techniques, and general quiet, self
contained contentment. "Aha! Goodmorning Jason," he smiled back to me.
"Are we
doing anything cool today?" I asked. "Ummm...
well, we're just going to do some reading and answer a few questions, that's
all," he replied. "That's good." I said without
emotion. Maybe I'll be able to focus on something that's worthwhile.
As I sat
reading a section of my Economics book in class, a stirring came to me;
I stopped reading, and groped
around in my mind... was something there? ...
There. One of my guides was sending a message to me. I switched easily
into
a receiving state; this required minimal effort,
though I knew that there would be no details. After a few moments of
letting my imagination grope around, I received
a fuzzy thought that read "You are to do a channeled writing during
lunch today... it will be titled Your Missing
Link." I smiled, and was inwardly thrilled! Never have I received a
request from them for me to channel. I could
hardly wait!
Walking to Mr. Menke's
room, I contemplated on whether I should show him my paper or not. The
channeling had been a
complete success, and it contained some very
useful and practical advice and information about humanity! Seeing that
he was
nowhere in sight, I instead decided to show it
to Robin, who was at the time shuffling through her bag trying
to find some papers. "Oh, Jason, I would but
I can't right now. I've GOT to do some last second studying before this
test." An alarming thought: Test? What test?
At that moment, I was stricken with fear, and pierced by loneliness. Making
some hasty maneuvers, I was able to forget about
the loneliness, pack the paper away for later, and scramble for my
Chemistry book to do some last minute studying
as well.
I signed my name on
the test as Josh walked in for Physics. I took my test and my channeled
writing up with me to Mr.
Menke's desk, set the test down on top of the
rather cluttered desk, and showed Josh my writing that I had done
during lunch. He just looked at it, grinned,
snickered really big, and gave me back the paper; I thought he'd do that.
I
took the blow with as much grace as I could and
quietly walked back to my seat to sit down and wait for class to
begin. Did anyone care at all about what I had
just accomplished? about what I had just been given? About what
the writing portrayed? It was advice on how to
deal with distant cultures, beliefs and religions; and it made sense in
all aspects,
but yet it was not important to anyone. To some,
I had sinned.
Now,
two weeks later, things are still the same if not worse. The writing that
I did was only a success to my distant
friends, no one else. They observed the thoughts
and messages that I had received, and were quite impressed and encouraged
me. But this problem has not been resolved, nor
do I feel that it will be until I move away to college. I had felt completely
isolated already once in my life. That
feeling was now coming back, except for now it's of a far greater degree.
I silently
carry this cold, peaceful body onward... Beyond
time itself.