Laughter is the jam on the toast of life.
It adds flavour, keeps it from being to dry
and makes it easier to swallow.
-Diane Johnson-
Well, as the saying goes, laughter is the best medicine. Here, I have a compilation of my all time favourite jokes. If you have any you want to share, let me know and I'll add in it too *S*
And yes, this page is also dedicated to "Tom Cruise" and family.... *S*
you know who you are. *huge hugs*
Have a good laugh!
Two whales, a male and female, are swimming off the coast of Japan when the male whale looks up and sees the whaling ship that avenge his father's death, the male whale says to the female "Let's go underneath the ship and blow air through our blow holes. That ought to knock their boat over, and make them think twice about killing innocent whales." The female whale agrees, and the plan works perfectly. Once the whaling ship has completely sunk, the male whale notices that most of the sailors are making their way back to the shore by either swimming or in lifeboats. Not willing to let them get away so easily, the male whale yells "They're going to shore - Let's go gobble them up!" Just then, the female whale becomes less cooperative: "HEY!", she says, "I agreed to the blow job, but there is NO WAY I'm swallowing seamen!
A husband went to work at 9 in the morning as usual. For some reason he had to be back home later during the day while running some errands. When he entered the house, he was surprised to see his wife in bed with a man who placed his head on her breasts. The husband demanded, "What on earth are you doing ? "To which the stranger replied, "I am listening to music!" The husband shoved the stranger aside and said, "Let me listen" and place his head on her breasts. He exclaimed in suspicion, "I don't seem to hear any music ."Of course not," quipped the stranger, "You're not plugged in!"
The youngest son of a great Indian chief went to his father and asked "Oh Father, how did you choose the names for your three children?" The great Chief replied "My son, when your older brother was born, the first sight I saw after the moment of his birth was a bear running through the woods; so I named him Running-bear. The morning your sister was born, the first sight I saw was a Beautiful star, so I named her morning-star. But why do you ask me such a question, Two-Dogs-Fucking?"
Little Johnny and Jane are playing in the garden when they start having an argument about whether boys are better than girls. After a while Johnny stands up and pulls down his shorts saying 'Boys are better than girls 'cos you haven't got one of these!!'. Jane looks at him in astonishment as she knows that she hasn't got one of those between her legs. She bursts out crying and rushes inside to her mother. A little while later she comes back out with a big smile on her face. 'My mum says girls are better than boys', she says. 'No they're not.' says Johnny pulling down his shorts, 'You haven't got one of these!'. Jane looks at him, then raises her skirt, pulls down her panties and says 'My mum says that as long as I've got one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!!'
The story takes place in a Christian school. The teacher asks the question, "What part of your body gets to heven first?" 3 students raise their hand, Jenny, Jim, and little Johnny in the back. The teacher things to herself, "I dont want to call on Johnny cause he will say something perverted." So she picks on Jenny first who says, "I think your head gets to heaven first cause you have to be smart." The teacher then calls on Jim who says, "I think your heart gets to heaven first cause you gotta have a good heart." Finally Johnny is the only one with his hand up. The teacher says to herself "Oh no, I gotta pick Johnny." She picks him and he says, "I think your feet get to heaven first." The relieved teacher asks him, "Why on earth do you think your feet get to heaven first?" Johnny says, "Cause I walked into my Mom and Dad's room last night and my mom's feet were straight up in the air and she was sayin 'Oh God I'm cummin'!'"
The Pope goes to visit the seven dwarfs. As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question. "Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" " No Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not." "Really?", Dopey questions. "No Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf nuns in Italy." "Mr. Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly, "are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" "No Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world." And softly in the background the six remaining dwarves start chanting, "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin."
Two storks on a nest: a father stork and baby stork. Baby is crying and crying, and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy." The next night, it's fathers turn to do the job. "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies." A few days later. The stork parents are desperate: their son is gone from the nest all night! Finally, short before dawn, he returns and the parents ask their son where he had been all night. Says the baby stork: "Aww, just scaring the shit out of college kids!"
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's Right!!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the one who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your attitude changes!"
Dad is driving to the store with Jr., when Jr. sees 2 dogs humping. Jr. turns to dad and asks, "Dad what are those 2 dogs doing?" Dad being a quick thinker says, "Making puppies son." A couple of nights later, Jr. walks into his parents room and sees dad on top of mom and asks, "Dad, what are you doing to mom?" Dad replies, "Making you a little brother son." Jr. thinks about this for a moment and says, "Roll her over, I'd rather have a puppy."
A man tells his wife he wants her to go hunting with him she declines saying she doesn't like hunting but he persists. She keeps telling him no so he finally says, "Okay, you have 3 choices either go hunting with me, give me a blow job, or I do you in the butt" He says, "I'm going out to load the dogs in the truck. When I get back you better tell me which one it's going to be." After about 10 minutes he comes back into the house and says" Well?" She says, "I guess I'll give you a blowjob" So he drops his pants and she gets on her kness and begins. After about a minute she spits and says, "Yecch, you taste like shit." He replies, "Ya, I know. One of the dogs didn't want to go hunting either."
A husband came home to find his wife in bed with the Milkman. After the Milkman's hurried departure the man demanded an explanation from his wife "But darling", she said, "You told me to!". The husband denied all knowledge. "Yes you did", his wife continued, "I told you at breakfast that it was Daryl's last day on the job remember? "And that I thought we should give him twenty dollars." And you said, Screw him and give him ten dollars".
An elderly couple decide to celebrate their fiftieth anniversary by reliving their honeymoon. They get a reservation for the Honeymoon suite in the same hotel at the same resort. After waking the next morning to a room service breakfast they begin eating in the nude. The wife says "Oh Harold! This is just like fifty years ago! My breasts feel all warm and tingly!" To which he replies "Well, they ought to, Gladys... One is a hanging in your oatmeal, and the other is in your coffee!"
Two aliens land in Metro Detroit, and they happen to land next to a gas station. So, the aliens waddle out of their ship and look around. The first thing they see that resembles a human being is the gas pump. The two aliens approach and the first one says "Earthling, take me to your leader!" Of course he gets no response...The first alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again. "Earthling, I said take me to your leader!" Still no response. The alien then turns to his buddy and says "If this Earthling doesn't show me some respect and at least acknowledge me, I'm going to blast him!" At that the second alien replies, "OK. I'm just going to stand down on the next block." The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses the pump a third time. "Earthling take me to your leader!" Still nothing. So the alien then pulls out his ray gun and vaporizes the pump...The gas station goes up in a huge explosion, blowing the alien all the way down the block to his buddy. He gets up, dusts himself off, and turns to the second Alien. "If you knew that was going to happen why didn't you warn me!?" The second replies "Well, I didn't know exactly *what* was going to happen. But there's no way I'm gonna mess with a guy whose penis hangs to the ground, wraps around his body twice, and is still long enough to stick in his left ear!"
One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat "you lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know". The cat thinks for a moment and says "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says "say no more" and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again there is the Lord there to great them with the same offer. The mice answer "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says "say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates. About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him "How are things since you are here?" The cat stretches and yawns and replies "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are theeeeeeeee best!!!"
The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night. The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two. The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course. The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it Would be memorable. The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms Buddies received the following note:
"DEAR FRIENDS, WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED. THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK. BUT BY GOD, I'M GOING TO KILL THE GUY WHO PUT NOVACAINE IN THE VASELINE!"
A trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center road, making love. He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them. Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could've been killed!' The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said, 'Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's station-wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night. "I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn." Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?" "Yes, I do." "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?" "Yes, I have to admit that I did." "Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turns red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did." "Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"
A man walked in to Joe's Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As he snips away, Joe asks "What's up?" The man proceeds to explain he's taking a vacation to Rome. "ROME?!" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It's a crowded dirty city full of Italians! You'd be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya getting there?" "We're taking TWA," the man replies. "TWA?!" yells Joe. "They're a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late! So where you staying in Rome?" The man says "We'll be at the downtown International Marriot." "That DUMP?!" says Joe. "That's the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they're overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?" The man says "We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope." "HA! That's rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You're going to need it!" A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe says, "Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!" "No, quite the opposite" explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot!" "Hmmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described." "No, quite the opposite! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling. It's the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge!" "Well," Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you didn't get to see the Pope!" "Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me." Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What'd he say?" "Oh, not much really. Just "Where'd you get that awful haircut?"
Conversation of a Software Engineer with his wife
Husband : ( Returning late form work ) "Good Evening Dear, I'm now logged in."
Wife : Have you brought the ring ?
Husband : Bad command or filename.
Wife : But I told you in the morn...
Husband : Erroneous syntax.
Wife : What about my new blouse ?
Husband : Variable not found ...
Wife : At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.
Husband : Sharing Violation. Access denied ...
Wife : Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny ?
Husband : Too many parameters. Abort!...
Wife : It was a grave mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband : Data type mismatch.
Wife : You are a useless nut.
Husband : Default Parameter.
Wife : What about your Salary ?
Husband : Access denied. File in use...
Wife : Who was in the car this morning ?
Husband : System unstable. Press CTRL + ALT + DEL to Reboot.
It was the first day of Grade Three in a new town for Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son." The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son." The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well endowed". This confused him. That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Alabama?" he asked. "No, son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll just see about that ~ get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico. "Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
A man gets to his plane seat, and is surprised to find a parrot strapped into the seats next to him. Once in the air, the stewardess comes round and the man asks her politely for a coffee, whereupon the parrot squawks: "Get me a whisky you cow!." The stewardess, somewhat flustered brings back a whisky for the parrot, but forgets the coffee. When the man points this out to her, the parrot immediately drains its glass and yells "and get me another whisky you bitch!.: Quite upset, the stewardess, shaking, returns shortly with a whisky for the parrot, but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides to try the parrot’s approach: "I’ve asked you twice for a coffee you cow, now go and get it or I’ll have to give you a slap!" In a couple of seconds, two burly stewards grab both him and the parrot, take them to the emergency exits and throw them out. As they are falling away from the plane, the parrot turns to the man and says "You know, for someone who can’t fly, you sure are a lippy bastard!"
IN case you missed the article, someone found a condom in a McDonald’s hamburger last week. Here’s David Letterman’s explanation(s)… The Top Ten List "McDonald’s Excuses for Condom in a Big Mac" as presented on the 22/08/97 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN 10.
1) We were test-marketing the new "McTrojan"
2) Condom, condiment – what’s the damn difference ?
3) It still tastes better than the "Arch Deluxe"
4) It was either there or in the vanilla shake
5) Turns out the rumours about Grimace and Mayor McCheese are true
6) We’re experimenting with a new, even happier "Happy Meal"
7) So what – a regular Big Mac is 60% latex anyway.
8) Employees too embarrassed to say "Would you like condom with what?"
9) Drive-thru speaker broken—"Coke with lots of ice" sounded like "prophylactic device"
10) When you’re serving billions and billions, you can’t be too careful.
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