The morning sun shone brightly as its warming rays streamed in through the knotholes and spaces in the wooden frame of the barn. Have I been here all night, Louise thought to herself as she reached her hand in front of her face, shielding the blinding rays from her awakening eyes. Lou realized that she must have fallen asleep in the barn while she was thinking and writing in her memoirs last night.
It had only been a few days since the events culminating in the hanging of Elias Mills, and the memories were still fresh in her mind. The sensations she felt that night by the campfire with Jimmy were still lingering on her body as she tried to free herself of the thoughts that threatened to torture her soul. This is why Lou felt the desperate need to hide herself away in the barn last night after dinner. She needed to be alone with her thoughts, and she figured that maybe if she wrote them down in her journal, it might be almost as relieving as saying them straight out.
Lou looked back in her journal to see what she had written the night before, just prior to falling asleep:
I’m so confused. That kiss with Jimmy by the light of the fire was so passionate and wonderful. But then, I think about Kid and all that he means to me. Though he infuriates me some times with his often over-bearing, over-protective sense of love, I still can’t help but feel guilty. Yet, I wouldn’t want to take back what happened between Jimmy and me either...I don’t think anything I’m feeling makes any sense!
I’ve always liked Jimmy. We’ve always seemed to have a special bond with each other. I feel it, and I’ve felt it for a long time. And now, I know after what happened during the trip with Elias that he feels it, too, even if he’s not ready to admit it to me in words. I can tell by his actions, and not just by that kiss. Jimmy’s always stuck up for me and treated me like an equal even when the other boys had doubts about my ability to handle dangerous situations. He’s shown that he trusts my decisions and intuitions. Jimmy accepts that I want to be treated and do my job just like the rest of the fellows, and I know he respects that.
Sometimes, I wish I could take the things I love in Kid and those I love and admire in Jimmy and roll them all up into one and make the man of my dreams. Everything would be so much simpler then. I wouldn’t have my heart torn between the two men I feel closest in this world to. It wouldn’t be telling me to act out something that might hurt the other...
Lou sighed softly as she recalled all that she had written last night in an attempt to suppress the demons that were gnawing away at both her heart and conscience.
With a start, Lou snapped herself back into the land of the living as she heard the barn door opening.
"Lou? Didn’t you hear me callin’ you?" Rachel said with a confused look on her face.
"What? Oh, no...I guess I was just in a world of my own, Rachel." Lou replied as she looked down at the journal in her lap and closed it.
"Well, it’s time to join the world of the Pony Express, now," Rachel asserted, half grinning. "Breakfast’s ready, and if you want somethin’ to eat, you’d better hurry up before Cody and the rest of the boys have eaten it all," Rachel laughed.
"I guess you’re right," Lou acknowledged. She knew only too well that sometimes eating with the boys was like survival of the fittest.
With that, Lou rose from the pile of hay that had been her bed for the night, dusted off the straw that was on her clothes and stuck in her hair, and made her way to the bunkhouse with Rachel.
Nearing the bunkhouse, Lou could already hear the boisterous chatter of the boys inside that did not cease even when she had entered and sat down at the table to scrounge together what remained of the morning meal.
"Oh, Lou, we missed you last night. Thought you’d deserted us!" Cody joked, his mouth half-full of food. The other boys, except Jimmy, snickered at Cody’s comment.
"No, Cody. Just thought I’d get a quiet night’s sleep out in the barn where I wouldn’t have to hear your snorin’ and other noises," Lou stated in a tone that let people know that she was not really in the mood to be teased or joked around with.
"Well, be glad you did, Lou, ‘cause last night was one of Cody’s worst in weeks!" Buck grinned. "He was snorin’ so loud the bunkhouse was vibratin’. Thought the roof was gonna cave right in on us!"
Even Lou had to chuckle at that comment. Cody just glared at Buck with narrowed eyes as he shoveled more food into his mouth.
Following breakfast, the rest of the morning went by as usual. If there wasn’t a run to be made, there always seemed to be plenty of chores to be done--a fence to mend, wood to chop, supplies to fetch. Lou had finished most of her chores and was washing down Lightning when she heard Jimmy coming up behind her.
"Uh, Lou," Jimmy spoke, a tinge of uncertainty in his voice as he tilted his head downward.
Lou turned around and faced Jimmy with a questioning wrinkle in her brow.
Jimmy raised his eyes to glance upon Lou and he laughed to himself for a moment at the picture of the mildly wet young woman in front of him. Her shirt had large splotches of water on it and her hair was a little wet from when she had rubbed her forearm across her temple to force her brown tresses, which were longer than they had been for some time, out of her eyes.
Soon again, Jimmy's eyes turned sad as his face went back to a hard, serious look.
"What is it, Jimmy? Somethin’ wrong?" Lou asked.
"No. Well, not really," Jimmy seemed to stumble over his words, not quite sure of what he wanted to say himself. For the first time, maybe, Jimmy felt awkward talking to Lou. He was torn between his desire for things to go back to 'normal' between him and Lou and his desire for the closeness that being with Lou provided. He had been actively avoiding her company since returning home from the trip with Elias, partly because Jimmy didn't want to raise any jealous notions in Kid's head but also he was afraid of what might happen if he was alone again with Lou.
What Lou had said to him that night struck a chord deep in Jimmy's core. Lou saw through him, as she often did, and Jimmy had felt himself drawn to her, not only because of her beauty, but because of her gentle honesty and sincerity. She had a way of stirring emotions in Jimmy that he often did not realize he had, or that he tried hard to pretend he didn't have. He was afraid of revealing to Lou, and even himself, just how deep his feelings for her really ran. But he also realized that it was probably too late for that.
Finally, Jimmy mustered up some words, "Actually, I just wanted to check up on you, make sure you’re doin’ okay." These words were ambiguous enough that Lou could simply read them as Jimmy showing concern for her after the experience of Elias' hanging. Or, she could read deeper into the meaning of these words and realize that Jimmy was asking if she was okay with things between them. After all, Jimmy and Lou had not exactly been on the best of terms by the end of the trip.
Lou looked at Jimmy somewhat confusingly before her eyes lost contact with his and focused on the ground for a moment. She thought about Elias Mills and all that had happened between her and Jimmy on that trip. Her eyes were sad because of the loss of Mills, a kind, prophetic soul, someone who had touched both her life and Jimmy’s. But her cheeks felt a fire in them at the same time as Lou thought of that kiss--that brief, yet extremely passionate kiss. Lou hoped that Jimmy wouldn’t see through her blush, but that he would dismiss the slight redness as a product of her laboring over Lightning.
Jimmy interrupted her thoughts of that night by the fire when he continued, "I mean, you were kinda shaken up by what happened a few days ago. Hell, I was. I didn’t realize how much Elias affected me until I saw him..." Jimmy shifted nervously as looked away from Lou again. He just couldn’t bring himself to say it, until I saw him hang.
"I’m fine, Jimmy." Lou was lying to him, as well as to herself. She wasn’t fine, as much as she wanted to be. Lou didn't want Jimmy to see just how much it had hurt her when he tried to pretend like nothing happened between them. "Thanks for carin’," Lou replied softly, as she turned to go back to washing Lightning.
"Lou," Jimmy said quickly, as he gently took Lou by the shoulder and eased her back around until she was once again facing him. Jimmy took off his hat. It was a motion that seemed to signify Jimmy's willingness to momentarily shed part of his tough outer shell that he had built up around himself a long time ago, both to protect himself from being hurt by others and to protect others from what he believes is pain brought by his caring for them.
"Why should I care for someone if it's just gonna bring them pain?"
"Then you will end up like him [Elias]...alone."
Lou's words stung, but Jimmy was hurt more by his fear that she was right. These words echoed in his heart for a moment before he continued. This time, Jimmy looked Lou deep in those sparkling brown eyes that somehow always seemed a bit melancholy. "I just want you to know that I do care, that you do matter to me."
Lou looked at Jimmy deeply as she recalled what she had said to him a couple days ago, when she was trying to talk to him about what went on between them the night they kissed. She remembered saying to Jimmy as he attempted to push the situation out of his mind, "Jimmy, someday someone special’s gonna come along, and you can’t just treat her like she don’t count for nothin'."
Lou smiled slightly. She realized how hard it must be for Jimmy because he was admitting that, through his outburst of affection, he displayed a sign of needing someone, something he thought of as a sign of weakness. But that night, James Butler Hickok desperately needed to hear and come to terms with the truth revealed in Lou's words, painful as they may have been.
"You're thinkin' about him, aren't ya?" Lou said, more as a statement than a question. She could see right through him.
With the focus of his eyes unchanged, Jimmy moved his hand away from his mouth to speak, "The man's an outlaw. Ain't much more to think about."
"Yeah there is, and you know it," replied Lou.
Jimmy didn't want to hear any of this, so he rose and turned to leave. "It's late. Stay up if you want. I'm goin' to sleep."
Before thinking what she was about to say, Lou boldly voiced, "When ya gonna stop walkin' away? When are you gonna admit the truth?"
"And what truth is that, Lou?" Jimmy asked, getting angry. He really did not want to hear 'the truth'.
"That when you look at Elias it's like starin' in a mirror twenty years from now. And it scares you to death." Again, Lou's words were both forceful and forthright.
Jimmy quickly turned around and looked at Lou, his eyes full of regret and admission.
Lou realized the impact of what she had said and was apologetic. "I'm sorry. I had no right sayin' that."
Jimmy understood. "Yeah, ya did." He removed his hat, ready to confess his fears. "I keep tellin' myself that that ain't gonna be me. But all I see is myself headin' down that same road."
"It doesn't have to be that way," Lou said gently.
"I don't think it's gonna turn out any different. People got their minds made up about me."
Lou's voice was tender and comforting. "Doesn't matter what others think. It matters what you think." Lou pauses. "For what it's worth though, I...I think you're a much better man than you give yourself credit for."
Jimmy looked at her questioningly at first, then with wonder at the way Lou was able to read his fears, make him admit to them, and ease his mind all in a few precious moments.
Lou knew that Jimmy approaching her and saying that he cares was his own way of apologizing to her for disregarding their intense conversation and kiss as them ‘just not acting themselves’. In a way, Jimmy was acknowledging what had happened between them that night, and that it did matter to him--that she mattered to him.
Jimmy and Lou stood for a moment in silent understanding, each knowing just how much the other cared.
The serenity of that instant was broken when Jimmy placed his hat back on his head, smiled, and finally spoke, "Well, I best get back to fixin’ the barn door."
As Jimmy turned around and headed toward the barn, Lou voiced, "Thank you, Jimmy...for everythin’."
Jimmy stopped and turned around to behold the beautiful and sincere expression on that lovely face, a face he held so dear to him. He half-smiled and nodded at Lou before reluctantly heading back on his way to finish his chores.
Lou continued to watch him as she felt her heart being released of all the pent-up feelings and unspoken words that had tormented her soul for days now. She knew what she needed to know. Lou took comfort in the fact that despite whatever may happen between her and Jimmy, or between her and Kid, for that matter, that she and Jimmy would always have that deep yet quiet understanding possessed only by two kindred spirits.
