DISCLAIMER: This fan fiction was inspired by the film "For The Moment", story and characters wholly and completely owned by others. I've taken some liberties with them, but I do not intend to use them in any malicious way.
"Another Moment"
by Jackie
Lil woke up for the third time in as many hours. She lay in her childhood bedroom listening to the familiar noises of all the nights of her life. The creaking of the roof, the occasional bang of a water pipe fighting the cold of the basement, the tree outside her window that went scratch, thump-thump scratch, the cat in the corner breathing softly. She couldn't figure what kept waking her up. She didn't want to be awake, because while sleep sometimes brought golden hued dreams, her thoughts were never golden hued anymore. They were colored with the bitter tinges of regret and guilt instead. Lil was tired, tired of being a widow, tired of being alone, tired of memories that didn't behave, tired of a life that went on day in, day out in a never changing march toward the next never changing day. It was four years since her brother had died, two years since her husband had died, and 1 year since the war had ended for them. She marked the end of the war with her sister's wedding to her childhood sweetheart. He had managed to survive against all odds to come home, injured and unable to serve further, but able to live and work. She tried to not be envious of her sister, but at 27 her life had settled into a pattern unacceptable to her. She had to find the courage to look at things as they were and act on them. She rolled over in bed, thinking to herself, I better get some sleep or I won't be able to move let alone act.
Across the world a man on horseback rode a narrow trail wedged between a steep cliff and drop off to a bottomless canyon. He knew that most men walked their horse over this section of the trail not trusting their lives to the whim of a bird or wallaby frightening their horse over the cliff and down. Horses were smart and for the most part had a sense of self-preservation, but in a moment of panic could be induced to shy away from one danger into the death of another. Lachlan risked it partly because he trusted himself and his mount, and partially because oblivion didn't sound that bad. He had survived countless flights delivering men and death to locations from Egypt to Normandy. Most of his mates had not. He had spent the war watching men die. Some he got to know well, some he had hardly seen their faces before they were taken back still a mystery, just a glance and then nothing. Toward the end of the war, he had finally been hit in the leg, and after almost losing it had been mustered out. His return to Australia was bittersweet. His brother, cousins, and most of his friends were no longer there. Many would never see Australia again alive or dead, they were strewn across graveyards in the civilized chilly portions of Europe in which they had breathed their last. The few that had returned were not the same, when he had tried to spend time with them there was just something missing, the cadence of their speech, and their thoughts were no longer on the same beat. The saddest had been his boyhood friend Tom O'Brien who sat and stared at a wall occasionally screaming or crying, but for the most part staring unfocused at whatever hell movie was showing in his brain. Lachlan had tried to re connect but there was nothing left to reach. Tom who had loved horses and dogs and a girl named Molly was gone, not to come this way again. Lachlan tried not to think anymore, he had become an automaton, he worked the station, ate what was in front of him, slept when he was too exhausted to stay awake, and never, never allowed himself to think of Canada or Lil. That was the road to ruin. The never was, never could be place and woman. He distantly remembered believing that life was a series of moments, good and bad. But the scales had weighed too heavy on the bad side. Lachlan didn’t notice the good moments any more, they weren’t to be trusted, and they provided hope, something he didn’t want back. It hurt too much. Lachlan and the horse reached the end of the dangerous portion of the trail, and Lachlan felt no elation. Lachlan felt nothing at all.
The people he had known all his life mourned the dead and the living dead. But many mourned the passing of the spirit they had known as Lachlan, laughing and joking, moving through life like quick silver. The part of him that had returned bore no resemblance. The young women and not so young women had all seen him as he was and once had been. He was still so attractive some how appealing in his new somber guise. They had one by one tried to raise the veil of indifference, but while polite he looked through them to a place and time they couldn’t see. They mourned the opportunity to bear children and share love with this man with the sad green eyes. But they had moved on one by one to the less desirable but more available. Only glancing in his direction on occasion with just of touch of regret for what might have been.
Lil woke up and was happy to see it was actually time to get up she had managed to stay asleep a whole 4 hours this time. She remembered her last thought of hours earlier, she had to go off somewhere and gain some perspective. She had wasted years, refusing to think about this thing, or acknowledging that thing. She sometimes felt like her brain had a built in censor, like the letters she had received from Frank, big holes where they cut out a thought or a story. She had allowed her memories to be reviewed that way big holes where things once were. “Ok, Lil” she said out loud, “Time to face the music.” She went downstairs and out the door. She saddled a horse and set off to the hill where she had spent time first with Frank, and then Lachlan. It was time to put the ghosts to rest, and to decide what to do with the living. She got off the horse and lay back on the dry soft grass. For the first time in years she really thought about Frank, honestly thought about Frank. She had known him as a child, a teenager, and a young woman. He had been her friend, her lover, and her husband. But he had not been her soul mate. Lil recoiled from this admission. “I’m sorry Frank, but it’s true," she said in the direction she hoped Frank was. She could remember playing with Frank in the trees by the fence, laughing, hiding, and throwing rocks. She remembered dancing to a band that had come all the way from Toronto. She remembered her wedding and what followed, but she could not remember the way Frank had felt laying next to her in bed, or how he had smelled after hiking the hill with her, and she couldn’t hear his voice or feel his hands touching her. Lil took a deep breath and went to the forbidden area of her heart and brain labeled “Danger, Lachlan Inside” the area opened and a wave of sensations flowed over her. Laughing Lachlan splashing her with water. Her arms wrapped around his waist the vibration of a motorcycle running through her legs. Making love in her bed on a rainy night and later in a field of high grass the bees buzzing, her horse chewing grass and snuffling, Lachlan above her and in her. Lil stopped and retreated, too much too soon. She realized she was crying and made her way to her horse and back down to her home and chores. She knew that nothing was ever going to be the same again. The genie was out of the bottle so to speak, and the backlash was just beginning.
Lil met her Father in the barn.
“Good morning, did you have a good ride?”
“Morning. Yes, it was a nice ride.”
“Lil are you all right, I heard you up during the night again, have you been sick?”
“No Dad, I have just been doing a lot of thinking.”
“About your young man?”
“Frank?”
“No, Lachlan.”
Lil looked at him in surprise. “Why in the world would you say that?”
“Lil. I was there remember, and I’ve known you all your life. You loved Lachlan, and in a different way than you loved Frank.”
“My God Dad was it that obvious? I didn’t mean it to happen. If Frank had never gone. .”
Her Father interrupted her, “Lil my darling don’t start the what if's. Frank left, and Lachlan came, it happened. What are you going to do now?”
Lil shrugged, “I have no idea”.
He put his arms around her and they just stood in the darkness of the barn.
Lachlan had been asleep for quite a while; his dog lay across the foot of the bed. He panted in the dark it was the beginning of summer and the night was warm. Lachlan had kicked off all his covers and was still sweating. The years he had spent in the service had bulked him out he was a much larger and heavier muscled man than the young man who had won his wings in Ottawa. He had a nasty scar that ran down his leg almost to the ankle. His sleep was not peaceful he tossed and turned until his dog jumped down on the rug by the bed whining and watching him intently. Lachlan saw the plane coming at him but he couldn’t get out of the way, and then he was on a motorcycle and a German tank was right behind him. He turned the cycle into a ditch and lay down hoping the tank would go by. He heard a loud noise of machinery stopping and looked up cautiously, if they saw him, they would kill him. The sun was bright and the tractor had stopped next to the irrigation ditch. “Lachlan” she laughed. “What are you doing down there.” Lil climbed down from the tractor and walked toward him, he got up smiling. Lil reached out for him. He woke up. Again, damn it will I ever stop dreaming about the war and Lil. It was always the same, horror images and then Lil like an angel. He didn’t know what was worse reliving the war or the momentary visits from Lil. They both broke his heart. He got up; no way he was going to take a chance on another dream tonight. He'd get an early start on the saddle that needed to be fixed.
Lil had spent the day slowly remembering the months she had spent with Lachlan she allowed access to the memories she had kept locked up for years. She was surprised that the guilt seemed to have taken a back seat. Her memories of Lachlan were so vivid, it was like looking at a photograph album in her mind, but with touch tossed in for good measure. She could see the blue highlights in his green eyes, feel the soft locks of hair around his collar, hear his giggle, she could feel his hand on her arm. She was haunted by her own sensory perceptions. She passed the day concentrating on the past; her thoughts had once more taken on a golden hue. She knew that it would not suffice forever but for today it was wonderful. She went to sleep quickly and peacefully. She never imagined that Lachlan would come to her in quite the way he did. She saw him in danger, it scared her so bad she almost fainted in her dream. A tank was chasing him, he was dodging debris in the road riding a motorcycle, their motorcycle, he slid into a ditch. She ran toward the ditch, "Lachlan"! Then it was sunny and he was picking flowers in the ditch. She smiled and called to him "What are you doing down there?" She woke up. The dream had been so real, so disturbing. She rolled over in bed, and smelled Lachlan on her pillow. Lil didn't sleep for a long time, not until she could pretend that she had imagined his presence in her bed. But she couldn't explain or ignore the masculine scent that still lingered. She finally drifted off to sleep tears drying on her face, clutching the pillow. The last thing she heard as sleep captured her was her name whispered, "Lil I love you". The deep voice was exactly as she remembered it, like no other voice she had ever heard.
Mr. Anderson got up early even for him. He had been disturbed again in his sleep by his daughter. For weeks she had been up walking around at all hours and last night she had cried out in her sleep. He had heard it as clear as day from across the hall. She had sounded frightened and had called to Lachlan. He was going to have a talk with his son-in-law. Since he would have to drive almost an hour in each direction an early start was warranted. He scribbled a note to Lil, and started out. He had watched his eldest daughter fading away long enough. He had never remarried when his wife died, but she had been his "Lachlan". He knew what losing that kind of love could do to you. He had been older, and had his children to sustain him. Lil was still young, and alone. She was wasting her years with memories. He shook his head, there had to be a better way.
Lachlan had fixed the saddle, and rode out searching for a break in the fence. He knew the cattle were getting out somehow; he had found a calf in the mud by the stream the day before. He found the break beside a wash about five miles from the station house; it was large enough to allow even the full-grown steers to go through. He located the loose cattle and with his dog and a whip, returned them to the enclosure. For a while he was relaxed and even reasonably content. He was working outdoors on a beautiful day. He had a job to do and the companionship of horse and dog. His guard was down and his mind took over. He found himself comparing the low hill to the one by Lil's in Ottawa, the shape was much the same as well as the low grass cover. Of course there had been no wide bushy Eucalyptus trees in Canada and certainly no crisp breezes here, but the shape was the same. Lachlan cautiously allowed himself to think about Canada some more, he didn't feel the pain as badly as before. He had resolved himself to never going there again, but had started thinking about that time in his life, unbidden it had returned in pieces. He could sometimes smell the air crisp and scented with harvested wheat and pines, and feel the cool wind blowing from the North bringing a hint of the not so far off Alaska. He remembered how the planes had looked taking off their bright colors against the blue sky. All in all his time in Canada had been one of the best in his life. He just couldn't quite handle the loss of Lil, or the deaths of his friend Zeke, and his bunkmate Scotty. Thoughts of Lil were still very painful, he just couldn't think of her with Frank, he wanted her to be happy, but he also wanted her with him; that had never changed. He still felt a sting when he thought of his hand in Zeke's death, and his inability to help Scotty. They had been his first two deaths in the war, and still two of the hardest to resolve. They had not died in war but in the preparation, it seemed like a horrible waste. Lachlan finished the fence and tested its' strength by pulling the post in a couple of directions. The post held steady even while having abnormal pressure placed on it. Lachlan nodded, "Come on boy" he said to the dog. The man, the dog, and the horse made their way over the Canada shaped hill and down to the trail leading back to the station. He had never wanted to think about Ottawa again, but his mind hadn't listened, and now it was pulling up all kinds of images he had tried really hard to forget. He didn't recognize that his heart had something to do with it as well. The two of them had ganged up on him. He actually felt something, and it wasn't pain. Some of the images were not just good, but great.
Lil unconsciously moved around the place doing what she always did. She fed chickens, milked the velvet-eyed Jersey her sister had named Constance, and made dough for fresh bread. She was not depressed but a little shell-shocked after the prior 24-hours. Lil felt like she was moving through a fog, and she wasn't sure if she wanted it to lift. She had faced some hard truths, but the reality was there were no solutions to her problems in them. They were truths, but not necessarily answers. She was almost afraid to take the voyage back to her time with Lachlan; she might not ever come back, but she didn't know how to move forward either. So she just kept doing routine things and didn't try to shake her strange mood. Her Father would return soon, and life would go on as usual. She finished her bread dough and went to the bathroom for a fresh towel to cover it. The sun coming through the window reflected off the mirror, shining in the tub, she remembered Lachlan smiling in the sun on a day like this and singing. Lil shut her eyes, she could hear his voice resonating off the bathroom walls, singing that silly song. She opened her eyes picked up the towel and returned to the kitchen, her haze broken she noticed the colors of the day, the cool dry feel of the hallway, and hummed to herself. Waltzing Matilda had a catchy tune, one you wouldn't forget even after four plus years.
Lil's Father made record time to his younger daughter's house, he found her husband out in the work shop behind their house. He had taken up cabinetry on his return and built such nice hardwood cabinets and tables that he had managed to provide quite well for both of them. He found him in back of the shop that smelled of fresh cut wood, sap and the tinge of burn odor that saws produced when applied to the hard wood of the Canadian North woods. He looked up from his saw, and looked startled.
"Is everything okay at the farm?"
"Yes everything is the same. I need to make some changes however."
"Do you need my help with something?" He said motioning his father-in-law to the small table and chairs in the corner. "Would you like a cup of tea?"
He nodded and while Johnny made the tea he started talking. "Do you know where Lachlan is?"
Johnny started, almost dropping the cup in his hand, "Why would you ask about Lachlan after all this time?"
Mr. Anderson ignored that question; "Do you know where he is, and if he is married?"
Johnny looked thoughtful for a moment, "I heard from Lachlan right after I came home, he had been mustered out as well, and was headed to a little town in Australia. I don't know if he is married, but I would doubt it. He never really got over…"
Mr. Anderson interrupted "Lil."
Johnny looked surprised, "You knew?"
"Yes Lil told me shortly after my son died. She said she had "met the wrong man at the wrong time and it was wonderful", now I think that it was the wrong time, but the right man."
"Come in the house. I kept that letter from Lachlan, and I answered it so I must have an address."
"Good, I wouldn't tell your wife what I'm up to however, she probably won't approve. She never understood what happened between those two, not really."
"Your call. What are you going to do?"
“I'm going to telegraph Lachlan, and tell him Lil needs him, and see what happens. I am not going to tell Lil what I'm doing and would appreciate it if you didn't either."
He left the house and drove straight to the telegraph office before losing his nerve. He had never interfered in his daughters’ lives, until now. It didn't feel natural, but it did feel right.
High summer in Ottawa was a beautiful time, Lil was plowing and looking at the blue sky and feeling the welcome warmth. She remembered the first day she had met Lachlan was on a day like this. The plane had come out of the sun, almost the same color landing in their field. She had been covered in dirt and manure; he had been dashing in his yellow plane wearing his uniform. She giggled when she remembered shaking hands and leaving manure in his. Who would have thought a beginning like that would turn so different, so quickly. Lil had found a quiet acceptance and was actually more at peace. Somehow letting her memories flow as they will, she had spent a good bit of time with Frank and had found absolution from some of the old guilt. She remembered Lachlan as well and found the memories for the most part good. She had dreamed of him a few times, and had actually awakened several times thinking he was there. The last time was so real. She woke feeling his hands on her face and his lips on hers, but then the sun in her room revealed no Lachlan. That had been the hardest moment. Her sub-conscious had shown mercy, she still dreamed of his touch, but now knew it was only a dream. Lil was nearing 28 and had no intention of accepting the attentions of the men who still looked in her direction. She had decided to stay on the farm, it was a good life, and her Father needed her. Lil saw someone in the field next to hers’ she wondered who would be out her at high noon on a Saturday, she shrugged and reaching the end of the row turned the tractor to start in the other direction.
Two months earlier Lachlan has gone to town for groceries, and had a telegram delivered to him. They had tried to find him but were unsuccessful, so the telegram had stood unread and answered for a week. After looking at it for two days he had opened the telegram, and read what was written. He was angry at first, not one word from Lil in 4 years and now he was supposed to come help with something. But then he remembered that her brother was dead, and that Johnny had come back in bad physical shape. His anger became something else. If he could just see Lil, that would be enough, so he had hired a man to watch the station and climbed on a boat going to the Hawaiian Islands. From there he had hitched a ride as a navigator on a plane going to California. He ended the trip on the railroads that snaked across America and into Canada. He had seen some amazing country, some of it reminding him of home, some so alien he could have been on Mars. Once he had started he never considered going back, but the closer he got to Ottawa and Lil the more nervous he became. All the telegram had said was, Lachlan, can you come to Canada. Lil needs you. Mr. Anderson. Stop. He had read it a hundred times but it still didn’t tell him anything more. He had shown up at the house an hour ago, and found Mr. Anderson. They had talked for a long time. He knew Frank was dead but that didn’t mean Lil wanted him, she had never tried to find him. He started out across the fields afraid to go, but more afraid not to. He had to see Lil, even if she didn’t want to see him. Just one more look. Lachlan saw the tractor, and Lil. He started to call out to her but he just stood and watched as she turned away from him and continued down the long narrow field. He remembered this field, and a day like today, and Lil on a tractor. He moved on toward the end of the row she was plowing, he would just stand there and give her a few minutes to get over the shock of seeing him.
Lil turned to the next row, moving back toward the sun. She pulled down her hat to shade her eyes. She squinted, there was someone standing at the end of the field. It didn’t look like her Dad or Mr. Gruber from the farm down the road. She kept getting closer, and suddenly she knew. Either the veil between imagination and reality had collapsed or Lachlan was standing at the end of the row. She stopped the tractor and squinted, he was still there, she shut her eyes and opened them again, still there. Lil started to laugh, and jumped down from the tractor. She didn’t care why Lachlan was here. She was just happy. She ran toward him. Lachlan felt like he was stuck in mud, he couldn’t move. He moved when Lil hit him full force arms around his neck laughing, crying, and calling his name. He swung her up in his arms and spun her around and around. When he finally put her down they were both unsteady and a little dizzy. They stood clinging to each other and laughing.
“I love you Lil,” he said.
“I love you too, Lachlan.” she replied.
Lachlan sobered looking in her eyes. He reached up and ran a finger down her cheek, caressing her lower lip with his finger he bent and followed it with his lips. He kissed her gently on the lips and she thought she heard him say something as he kissed her. He trailed kisses down her neck and she felt his voice vibrating against her throat. She was torn between the rising passion and the mystery of what he was saying. He nuzzled her neck and gently bit her earlobe she then heard what he kept repeating. "Lucky,Lucky, Lucky". She giggled at the shiver going down her spine from his warm breath in her ear, and turned her face to kiss him, feeling very very lucky indeed.
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