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DISCLAIMER: All events in this story are completely fictional. While some characters are based on actual people, all situations and events are the product of the author's imagination.
Over the course of the next several weeks, they spent a lot of time together. He took her to dinner and nightclubs and became a regular fixture at her gigs. She visited him on the set and more than once he came by the studio during her recording sessions. Still, for all the time they spent together and all the fun they had, they never managed to make it past the kissing stage and, every once in a while, she became frightened and tensed up or flinched when he moved too fast to touch her. He hinted again for an explanation, but she always seemed to find a way to sidestep his questions.
More time passed, and the closer they got, and the more difficult it became for Russell to understand why she wasn’t ready to take their relationship to the next level. At times, when he’d get frustrated, they would fight. Not about the actual problem, of course.
Instead, they’d argue over some other bit of nonsense that meant nothing in the grand scheme of things. He discovered that Nikki was capable of holding her own in any debate, but as soon as she glimpsed any sign of true anger from him, she would withdraw completely and sometimes it took as long as a day or two to bring things back to where they’d been.
One Sunday, Lisa and Brad invited them over to watch football (which Russell politely pretended to find half as exciting as the footygames back home) and early supper. After dinner, while Nikki and Lisa were getting baby Andrew ready for bed, Brad joined Russell out on the deck where he was smoking. He handed the actor a beer and they clinked bottles in a salute to their growing friendship.
“Thanks, mate,” Russ nodded pleasantly.
“You bet.” For a long moment they just stood there, drinking and watching the sky turn pink and gold.
“Can I ask you something, Brad?” Russell turned and leaned his elbows against the railing, giving the smaller man a long look.
“ You can ask, but…” Brad shrugged, knowing what was coming.
“What happened to her?”
“She hasn’t talked to you about it?” He stroked his short beard, as if for comfort.
“Nah.” The actor shook his head. “Not really. All I know is that someone hurt her very badly.”
Brad looked back inside and shook his head. He opened his mouth, closed it again and frowned. “I’m sure when she’s ready…”
“See, the thing is, I like her, Brad. Quite a lot, actually.” He paused to smile, raising his beer to his lips. He drank, then went on. “And you were right, she’s warm and sweet and wonderful, but I keep hitting these… fucking brick walls with her, mate. And I just don’t know what to do.”
“Do what you’re doing,” Brad shrugged, dark eyes full of empathy. “Be patient and hang in there. Maybe I’m biased, but I think she’s worth it.”
“Fuuck,” Russ sighed and drained the last of his beer. “Tell me one thing, at least, if you can.”
“If I can,” his host nodded.
“How bad was it?” Russell dropped his cigarette butt into the bottle where it sizzled out with a hiss. He watched the glowing ember die its last in a swirl of beer. “Did he slap her around, or what?”
“She almost died.” The words were quiet, a simple matter of fact, and Russ felt his heart drop down into the pit of his stomach.
“Hey,” Brad nudged him, a sad smile in his eyes as he attempted to lighten the mood, and Russell turned to see Nikki on the other side of the glass doors, Andrew’s russet head nestled against her shoulder. The baby was tired, eyes half closed and he blinked at the men sleepily as the girl smiled at them and waved before turning away to talk to Lisa. “Beautiful,” Brad sighed.
“Yeah,” Russell agreed and in that moment, he knew that he could be very very patient for a girl like that.
“I was thinking…” Nikki began as they pulled up in front of her apartment building.
“Don’t start that,” Russell teased, blue-green eyes sparkling withheld laughter. “You’ll ruin everything.”
“Seriously, “ she slapped his arm lightly. Her eyes darted to his, flew away with shyness, and then came back to rest on his face, watching his expression carefully. “I was thinking you might like to come over for dinner tomorrow night, maybe watch a video or something?”
“Yeah, sure,” he was quick to agree. In the weeks that they’d been dating she had never really invited him up for more than a minute or two. An excited grin tugged lightly at the corners of his lips. “What time should I be here?”
“Well, if you guys wrap on time, you should be able to make it by about seven thirty, right?” Her eyes softened as she saw the smile form and reach his eyes, making them crinkle at the edges.
“About that,” he nodded. “So, seven thirty, then?”
“I’ll see you then.” She leaned over and gave him a quick kiss then got out and walked to the security gate, pausing to wave before unlocking it and going in.
“Hi.” Russell appeared on her doorstep promptly at the appointed hour holding a large bouquet of flowers and a bottle of wine. He’s had to really hustle to get there on time, but the pleased look on her face made it all seem worthwhile. She laughed as he handed her the gifts and asked, “What, no chocolate?”
“That’s for later.” He gave her a kiss and she led him inside.
She served dinner out on the deck and they enjoyed the warm fall night by candlelight. Afterwards, he helped her to do the dishes, which really meant loading the dishwasher, then she suggested they adjourn to the living room. “What should we watch?” Nikki asked, gesturing to her somewhat meager video collection.
“Well…” Russ surveyed their options, then a smile moved across his face. “Hey! You’ve got one of my favorites here.”
“Which one?”
“The Princess Bride.” He pulled it from the shelf and moved towards the VCR. “This is the one. Definitely.” He couldn’t help thinking that a bit of light romance might be just the thing to turn the tide of their relationship. He slipped the cassette into her video player as she used the remote to turn on the TV.
“I figured you go for something with a little more action,” Nikki giggled, ”but okay.” She curled up on the couch, sipping her wine. A moment later, he joined her and the movie started. She cozied herself up against his shoulder and Russell put his arm around her. They were about half an hour into the film when his attention began to wander.
Nikki sensed his inattention and looked up to find him watching her, a soft smile playing across his handsome features. “What?”
“I just realized that I’ve never been alone like this with you before is all.”
“It seemed like it was time,” she said simply, turning back to the movie, but he knew she wasn’t really watching.
“Hey…” He let his finger brush her cheek lightly. She glanced up at him and he said,” I don’t mind us taking things slow. And whatever happened before, when you’re ready to talk about it, I’ll be here to listen.” He took her face in his hands. “Just don’t shut me out, okay? I know I fuck up and get impatient or say stupid things sometimes, but I’m trying my best. I just wanted you to know that.”
For a long moment her eyes searched his. His promises seemed too good to be true, and her first instinct was to mistrust anyone who was this good to her. But, staring into his beautiful, soulful eyes, she saw no sign of manipulation or guile. These were eyes that exposed the soul of the man, eyes that she was slowly learning to trust, just as she was slowly learning to trust him. “Thank you,” Nikki whispered, kissing him and burying her face in the warm safety of his neck so that he couldn’t see the tears that wet her lashes.
That night she allowed him to sleep over on her pullout couch. It had a bar that pressed against his shoulders, but he hardly noticed. They were finally making progress. She got up early to make him breakfast the next morning and sent him off to work with a kiss and a smile and he sang along to the radio all the way to the set.
It took Russell some doing, but by Thursday she gave in and agreed to come to his house Saturday night for dinner…
He cooked steaks on the barbecue and served them up with greens and potato salad. Nikki couldn’t help noting that the potato salad tasted awfully familiar and he finally broke down and admitted that Lisa had made it for them. After dinner, he loaded some CD’s into the player, turned on the outside speakers and they took of their shoes and danced barefoot in the soft green grass by the pool, pausing now and then to sip wine or kiss.
“You sure are a man of many talents, Mr. Crowe,” she giggled as he sang along to Al Green in her ear.
“Baby, you haven’t seen the half of them,” he chuckled, spinning her around in his arms.
“Ooohh, really?” she laughed, arching an eyebrow his way. “That’s some pretty big talk, Cowboy.”
Russ laughed. This had become something of a nickname, something she called him when she was especially amused or pleased. The night was warm, he was slightly buzzed from the wine and she was moving easily in his arms, brushing against him as they danced. He felt good. Really good. “Let’s go swimming,” he growled against her neck.
“I don’t have a bathing suit.”
“Well, then, just to be fair… I won’t wear mine.”
His breath was hot in her ear and Nikki shuddered against him. Her breath came in hard gasps from a combination of desire and fear. God, how she wanted him, wanted to feel his beautiful hard body against her own, wanted to taste his flesh, wanted to feel him bury himself deep inside of her, but she was so, so very scared. It wasn’t so much that she was frightened of Russell. She knew in her heart that he was a good man, kind and funny, strong and patient. The problem was that she was afraid that being with a man, any man, would bring back the memories, memories that were always there, just waiting to surface. Josh had promised that he would ruin her for any other man and, despite the fact that she had survived his attack, she was becoming more and more afraid that he had succeeded.
“I want to see your beautiful body, Nikki.” His tongue snaked out to taste her lobe and the chills that passed through her were a mix of passion and distress.
“It’s not so beautiful,” she protested lightly, and in his overheated state he failed to see the warning light that had come into her eyes.
“Sure it is,” he chuckled wondering why beautiful women were always so insecure as his hands moved down to cup her breasts through her blouse. His lips moved from her lips, down her jaw, to the side of her throat, finally coming to rest on the soft spot that made her gasp.
She sucked in her breath with a sharp hiss. “Oh, God,” she panted, wriggling against him and her hips brushed against him and he gasped, too.
Russ stepped back and pulled off his shirt and tank top, exposing his hard well-muscled chest and arms. He fixed her with a devilish grin. “Your turn, luv.”
Nikki closed her eyes and held her breath as he moved closer and began unbuttoning her blouse, slowly kissing each inch of skin he exposed. Two more buttons and his mouth moved down to the tops of her breasts, offered up to him like a succulent treat in the lace cups of her bra. A thrill passed through him as he undid the last button on her shirt and reached inside to pull her bare flesh to his. A moment later his hands moved up to ease her blouse from her shoulders even as his lips began to leave a wet trail down her body.
“Wait,” she gasped, and he realized that she was shaking violently in his arms.
“Awh, Nikki…” he soothed, pressing her to him. “I’m sorry, luv. I thought this was what you wanted.”
“It is… I do…” He could feel her hot tears falling against his bare chest. “I just don’t know if I’m ready yet.” He tightened his arms around her shoulders, rocking her slightly as her voice dropped to a choked whisper and her arms clasped tightly around him. “I know that I have no right to ask you to wait for me, Russell, so, if you need to see other… girls, I want you to know that… I understand. Just don’t tell me about them, okay? And, if you don’t want to see me anymore…” She broke off as heartbreak and despair overwhelmed her.
“No, baby, no…” He turned her tear stained face to his and kissed her gently. “It isn’t like that.” The look on her face made him want to take her heart into the safety of himself and hold it there until she felt calm and secure once more.
“I don’t want to be like this.” Fresh tears began to spill from her eyes and she wouldn’t meet his eyes. “I fucking hate this, you know? You are like, the most amazing man I’ve ever met and all I want is for things to be easy and perfect… and I hate that everything is so fucked up, and I hate him…” Her voice turned hard on the last word, then cracked and dropped to a hoarse murmur. “I fucking hate him so much for doing this to me… because it’s like he won after all.” She crumpled into his chest and began to cry again, even harder than before. “Please… don’t let him win.”
“Nikki, please,” Russell’s voice was soft as he held her in the protective circle of his arms. “I don’t understand, baby. I don’t know who he is or what he’s done, so I don’t know what to do to help.” He was shocked to feel the sting of tears in his own eyes.
He was surprised as she took his large hand in her small trembling one and pressed it against her side just under the edge of her bra. “Can you feel it?” she whispered through trembling lips.
“I’m not sure.” Russell was at a loss, not sure what she was trying to show him as she moved his hand down over her ribs.
Without a word she stepped back and shrugged off her blouse letting it drop down onto the grass. Russell gasped involuntarily as he saw what she’d been trying to show him.
There were two scars; pale welts of raised skin, one that ran from just under her bra in a curve almost four inches long towards her chest. The smaller one was shorter, about an inch and a half long, placed between two ribs. They looked like knife wounds. He thought suddenly about the little scar on her nose, the one he liked to kiss, and he began to understand.
“Do you see now?” Nikki turned away from him in shame, crying harder than ever, hair falling across her face. She took two steps away and Russell went after her, catching her just in time as her knees buckled, and eased her down onto the soft grass. “Do you fucking understand?”
“Oh, baby…” Russell gathered her to him and rocked her in his arms like a child. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.”
“He tried to kill me,” Nikki sobbed against his chest. “He beat me and he raped me and then he cut me…” Her words came in a hard rush now, each one punching out the last almost before his mind could fully grasp the meaning. “He… he said he’d make sure no other man would ever have me, one way or the other… “
“Oh, baby, I’m sorry…so, so sorry…” Russell said it over and over again until the words became senseless. He held her and rocked her and tried to will her to feel safe there, holding her awkwardly until she fell quiet, spent and limp in his embrace and her tears began to dry on her cheeks.
Knowing that she was exhausted, he stood, scooped her up into his arms and carried her inside. She was drained and didn’t protest as he lay her gently across the bed in the master bedroom. Nikki caught his hand as he turned to go. “Don’t leave me.”
“Shhh, luv.” He quieted her again with a cool hand to her flushed cheek. “I’m not.” He moved to the dresser, pulled out one of his flannel shirts and brought it to her. “Only, I thought you might like something to sleep in.”
“Thank you.” She still wasn’t meeting his eyes as he helped her to sit up and dress She pulled her bra off under the shirt and set it on the table by the bed. While she was doing that, he wet a cloth and, sitting beside her on the edge of the mattress, used it to gently clean her face.
“Can I get you anything else?” Russell asked gently.
Nikki shook her head, eyes on the cloth in his hands.
“Okay.” He got up to leave her to rest.
“Russell?” Her voice stopped him in the doorway. “Don’t go. Please?”
“Are you sure?” His eyes searched her face and this time her eyes met his, if only for a moment and she nodded and reached out for his hand. He lay down and curled his body around hers, wrapping her protectively in his warmth. “Like this?”
“Yes,” Nikki whispered, listening to the low comforting rumble of his voice in her hair. “Just hold me.”
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