Be forewarned, this is one of my 'stream of conciousness' essays, so i have no idea where i'm going with it. Bear with me.
When i was a kid, i used to wonder why women weren't allowed to be priests in the Catholic Church. Not that i'd ever want to be one. God forbid!...oh wait...according to the Pope, She already does. However, in thinking about it, i realize exactly why women could (and should) NEVER be priests. Wanna know why? Tough...i'm gonna tell you anyway ;-)
Can you imagine what confession would be like? With men as priests, all you get is a couple hail mary's, our fathers, your word that you won't do it again, and repentance. With women...oy vey! It would be more like: 'You did WHAT? Listen, buster, you've just condemed yourself to a month of cleaning out the pews after each service. And don't think i don't know who you are...i know where you live, and i'll hunt you down if you're even thirty seconds late on Sunday. Three months since your last confession? more like ten years.....' and so it would go, about five more minutes of lecture.
Not that i know anything about confession. Last time i went was the first time i went. Fifteen years ago...give or take. Good Catholic girl that i am, i have no need to confess anything. Or is it more like i'd have to go for a month of sundays and even then i'd probably still have another years worth to go before i'd confessed it all...things that make ya go hmmmmmm...
Ok, moving on...those of you that know me also know i'm not exactly the world's most approchable woman. I tend to have this 'stand-offish' appearance to me...like the world can go to hell, and i won't notice. So, in the past few days, i've had no less than FIVE (count em, one, two, three, four, five) guys come up to me and hit on me. Whatthehellisupwiththat?????? We're talking about a girl who hasn't been hit on in...well, longer than i care to remember (heck, i can't even remember if it's EVER happened before, it's been so long). There has to be a logical explanation for it, there just HAS to be...but search me if i know. All right, so it might be the 400 pounds i've lost...it might be the actual honest-to-god REAL smile i've had on my face lately...it might be that the rest of the world has finally lost it's mind (the odds are strongest on that one)
So get this, i actually had a DATE the other nite. Onyx, who hasn't had a date since the spanish inquisition. We're talkin actual he-picked-me-up-took-me-out-to-dinner-paid-for-it-and-was-a-total-gentleman-the-whole-time D-A-T-E. You coulda knocked me over with a feather. I'm so used to complete and total jerks, i didn't know what to do with myself. I kinda sat there the whole time with this 'uh, duh' expression on my face. Not to mention the nonsensical babble that spewed from my mouth whenever he dared ask me a question. I swear, i might have a rather high IQ, but if i had to take a test that night, i probably would have scored lower than anyone ever thought possible.
But let me go back to that whole Catholic thing for a minute here...I don't know how many of you have AOL instant messenger (i do...like, duh)...and if you have the 'news ticker' option up and running (once again, i do...like, bigger duh). So i'm sitting here, playing games on my puter, and every once in awhile, my eyes stray upwards to that news ticker crawling ever so slowly (to me) across the screen, and i see the word "Catholic" in one of the headlines, so naturally, my interest is piqued to read the rest of it as it turtle-crawls in it's little box. So i read "Catholic Disease Created in Texas. " Ummmmm....excuse me?? a disease in texas that's exclusively for us Catholics? I read it again (like i said, that thing is slower than molasses on a january mornin...seems like it takes a minute just for one word to crawl across), and sure enough, once more i see "Catholic Disease Created in Texas". I figure this is an article i HAVE to read. I open up the news, look for the article, find the headline...yeah, y'all know i was reading it incorrectly..."Catholic DIOCESE Created in Texas"...well, color me flabbergasted. Texas never had a catholic diocese before this article came out? weird, considering it's such a large state. Oh..a NEW diocese (you have to actually read the article to find that out) well, why did i bother? I don't care about any new diocese that might be created...now, a Catholic DISEASE...now THAT'S interesting. But, i digress.
BTW, news on the living front...(yeah, i'm still living, that's not news), I'm planning on moving (again). No, not out of the L.A. area (as a few people dearly wish i would), but into (hopefully) a house with the one, the only SuzBich...it's going to be hell on our neighbors (our laughter will probably be heard a few cities over), but it's gonna be a blast, and will provide plenty of C.V. fodder, i'm sure. If anything, i'll end up writing more of these to get away from her ;-)
So until then, my lovelies, keep this in mind: Every day you live is a gift from God (or whatever it is you choose to believe or not belive in)...wrapped in the most gawd-awful paper you could ever imagine, designed to confuse the ever-lovin hell outta you until you wonder what the point is and are just about to give up...until you realize THAT'S the point. As long as you stay above that 'Just About' point, it's all good.
Unless you're a cynic...then you realize that everything i just said in the above paragraph is a load of bull and the true answer to the question of life, the universe, and everything is exactly what Douglas Addams said it was: 42.
