Actually, in between thoughts of Valentine's and Random Kindness thingys, i thought to myself "Screw it! i'm not gonna bother writing one this week. I'm too depressed to be cynical, too tired to be witty and too horny to think about anything but sex (yes, i am good at giving out more information than you really wanted to know, thank you =-) )" So i stayed in bed for four days, only draggin myself out to go to work and the bathroom. I didn't even bother to check my email (not that i got that much, anyway) Now, don't get me wrong, i'm not like depressed, depressed, i'm depressed because everyone else is depressed, so i'm depressed (got it?) And yes, the fact that Valentine's day is Sunday, and for the 23rd straight year, i'm valentineless doesn't help much either, but that's nothing new, so i'll get over it.
Then, somehow, i cheered up a bit (don't ask me how, i sure as hell don't know...i think it was the fact that i got off work) and i came up with all the previous topics. I still haven't been able to make up my mind, so i figure let's go for all of the above.
For Random Acts of Kindess...well, i've composed a random list of people who should act tword me, and how they can be kind...
Bill Gates: We all know that this man has WAY too much money, right? So, i think dear ole Bill should donate 1 Billion (with a B) dollars to the Onyx Wants to Get a Life fund. Now, some of you may be thinking that's a bit extreme, however i will only be keeping $100,000 of that money...The rest will go to various charities i believe in such as the Onyx Needs Financial Security So She Can Quit Her Shitty Job fund, the Onyx Wants to Buy Back the House in the Country Her Parents Sold When They Moved fund, the Onyx Wants to Buy Herself a Valentine fund, oh, and let's not forget the Who the Hell Cares, Onyx Wants to Party With All Her Friends fund (ok, so i'd probably give some money to the homeless, amnesty international, PBS, and the Let's Immortalize Onyx and Build a Statue in Her Honour Cuz She's So Great fund)
James VanDerBeek: We all, (ok, most of us) know him as that adoreable hunk Dawson from Dawson's Creek...he can be kind to me by being the valentine i buy with part of the aforementioned 1 Billion dollars. Yeah, he's a year younger than me. Yeah, he's blonde (Ony don't go for blonde boys too often) Yeah, he's probably not interested in a tub of lard that looks like a reject from a Stephen King novel, but hey...if money can't buy me love, it can buy me at least a week of unadulterated sex, right?
Bill Clinton: i REALLY shouldn't go here...BUT when have i ever done anything i should? Billy Boy can start out by gettin himself castrated. Then we'll have something happen a'la 'Liar, Liar' where Slick Willy will have to tell the truth for 24 hours. During this day, he will be on television where he will admit to every single wrongdoing in his life. Ok, maybe the truth serum will have to last at least a week...See, i don't care about what's happening right now...tho i wish our Legislative Branch would miraculously grow a spine, i just want to hear ONE truth pass from his lips. Then again, the strain might be too much and he'll die of a heart attack. Ok, maybe that wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing...
Hillary Rodman (sorry, Rodham) Clinton: Please, please, please, please, PLEASE!!!! This is a VERY bright woman...for her one act of kindess DIVORCE the man!!!!! Preferably BEFORE he leaves office. 'Nuff said.
Now...Plastic surgery...i've been giving this a lot of thought lately. Not that i will ever have the money to do anything about it (unless Uncle Bill comes thru =-) ) but it might be interesting. I wouldn't have anything done to my face (yeah, i complain, i insult myself to no end, i whine, but i admit it, i'm DAMN cute...now forget you ever read that) I don't think i'd ever be able to have liposuction done (tho God knows, i need it) because i've seen one too many horror stories on 20/20 about it. I wouldn't change my breasts, i'm happy with the size of em (and i still love telling the story of how pissed my mom got when she had to buy a bra for me that was bigger than hers)
I would however, like to have an Ass-Reduction. See, the way i figure it, if you can have breast implants and breast reduction surgery, you should also be able to have an Ass-Reduction for those of us who have too much, and Ass Implants, for those poor souls who have no ass to speak of (they know who they are, i mock them ruthlessly) I'm sure it's not that hard, and not unheard of, but you don't see any specials on that...the media seems to center on all forms of plastic surgery BUTT (pun intended, obviously) you never hear anything about cosmetic surgery for the buttocks.
I say we start a campaign. You know, take polls, do surveys (hopefully ones that aren't 130+ questions long) make our own t.v. specials about Cosmetic Surgery for the behind. It will be the next fad. Instead of talking about Pamela Anderson's increasing and decreasing chest size, people will be talking about who's getting the most ass these days. Howard Stern has already paved the way for us, it's our duty to butt-in a little.
Alright, i've gone on enough for now...For those interested in contributing to any of the aforementioned funds, donations are always readily accepted, no matter how many billions you don't have =-)
