Lunch Date 'NSanity
by Andrina
Starring:
*NSync, Adela, Judith, Jennifer, Ed (okay, so what if I don’t even know the guy I needed a guy other than the, ’N Sync guys in the story), Tamara , Samantha, Martha Stewart, Britney Spears, Johnny Bravo
**Disclaimer: The characters in this story are not fictional, but their actions, the scenes and their ages (everyone's in their twenties) in this document are fictional. I am not in any way affiliated with *N Sync, their management, families, boyfriends (oops!) yada yada yada… you know the drill. This story is my own, and the characters belong to me (LOL...well, other than *NSync, anyhow). Guys, tell me what you think, but please don’t be too harsh. This is just a stupid summer project that I started writing it at midnight 'cuz I couldn’t spoof "It’s Gonna Be Me". And Ed, if you ever get to read this, all I have to say is: I don’t know you and probably never will, so if you plan on assassinating me because I put you in a story with *NSTYNC, forgive me. I got the FBI patrolling my street, okay? (j/k) Hope you guys enjoy it!**
Luv,
Me
P.S. I gotta give Adela some credit--thanx for the hilarious ideas, gurl!
P.P.S: Hey Erica, remember our "Sheep Talk" days? They came in handy when writing this! Luv ya!
P.P.P.S: Nara, thanx 4 tha LAST MINUTE tips! Martha Stewart rules! (ughhhh!)
P.P.P.P.S: Laur & Ed (especially Laur!), you guys probably get the MOST credit for listening to me ramble on and on about these nutjob storylines, and for merely TRYING to endear and support them! Luv ya!
(The phone rings, JC gets up from his couch to answer it)
JC: Hello?
JUSTIN: What up, yo, JC in da house?
JC: (confusedly) Um… This is JC. Why are you talking like that, Justin?
JUSTIN: (doing that cute laugh that he does in "Bye x3") I always talk like dis, bra.
JC: ‘Bra’? Don't you mean, ‘bro’? (muttering under his breath) Wannabe.
JUSTIN: Sorry bra, my bad, my bad.
JC: (groaning) What do you want?
JUSTIN: Ya know those chicks we grooved wit' at da concert last night?
JC: (with over-exaggerated patience) No, Justin, that was last month’s concert. You mean those other chicks... what were their names?
JUSTIN: (without hesitation) Britney, Michelle, Lindsay, and Debra.
JC: (closes his eyes and counts slowly to ten) Justin, those are the names of your ex-girlfriends.
JUSTIN: Whatcha yappin’ about bra? My honeys were Mandy, Sandy, Candy and Dandy. Boy, Candy was a dandy...Whoo!
JC: Shut-up, idiot, you’re drunk. I think their names were Adela, Jennifer, Samantha and Judith. Why?
JUSTIN: Cuz, bra, Lindsay called Lancey-boy and asked him if we wanna max and relax wit ‘em at Starbucks.
JC: Yeah, whatever. I’ll call the rest of the guys and you… you just go take a cold shower. It’ll do you good.
JUSTIN: Naww, bra, I’m good, I’m good--
JC: (finally losing the last ounce of patience he once possessed and screaming at the top of his lungs) Arrrghh! Would you stop calling me bra!?!?!
(JC hangs up and, after some deep breathing exercises to relax him, starts dialing Chris’ number)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
(At Starbucks, the four girls and Ed are waiting impatiently)
JENNIFER: (in a frustrated tone) Forget it. They’re not coming. I told you that you shouldn’t have phoned that airhead Justin. He’s probably drunk out of his mind. Or whatever mind's left in there, anyways.
SAMANTHA: Drunk off of what? Kool-Aid? You think his mommy would ever let him drink?
JENNIFER: He’s a star, Samantha. Of course they get wasted after concerts.
ADELA: (rolling her eyes) No, you’re both wrong. He isn’t even past the drinking age!
ED: (chuckling) I’ll bet they hire a baby-sitter for him whenever the other guys wanna go clubbing.
JUDITH: (sighing in relief) Hey look, you guys, it’s JC’s...
ED: (his mouth falling open in disbelief) Station wagon?
SAMANTHA: (jumping up excitedly out of her seat) WHERE?!
ED: (comments in a dry tone of voice) Station wagon? The guy is a millionaire and all he can afford is a station wagon?
JC: (running excitedly up to the table) Hey guys!
ADELA: Hi!
JENNIFER: You made it.
JC: (yawning tiredly) Yeah. I could use an espresso, though.
ADELA: (looking around) Where’s everybody else?
JC: Well, Justin’s sleeping in the backseat. I practically had to drag him by his cornrows to get him out of his house. (shrugs) He got drunk after the concert last night, so he’s not exactly in the best shape.
JENNIFER: (grinning smugly) Told ya.
(The girls glance at the backseat of JC's car, only to see that Justin is curled up in the back seat muttering to himself while hugging and kissing a plush, pink Care Bear.)
ED: (raising his eyebrows and muttering) That is one hell of an unhealthy Martha Stewart obsession.
(Sam continues to peer suspiciously at JC’s car and sees a pile of "Martha Stewart’s Living" magazines in the passenger seat. Loud snoring is heard.)
JUDITH: (wrinkling her nose in confusion) What’s that noise?
JC: (rolling his eyes) Oh, that’s just Mr. Timberlake. Here, maybe this’ll wake him up. (He grabs Ed’s glass of water and walks back to his car, promptly dumping it over Justin's head.)
ED: Hey! That was mine!
JUSTIN: (groggily) Oh, c’mon Debra, baby, don’t leave, I’m not goin’ out with Michelle! (Justin starts to wake up.) Where... Where am I?
JC: (icily) At Starbucks, dumb ass. Now get your wasted ass outta my car before I beat the hell out of you.
JUSTIN: (scrambling to get out of the car) I’m cool, bra! I’m cool!
(Adela and Judith share a look that clearly says, "I gotta get away from these people". Just then, Lance, Chris and Joey pull up in Chris’ BMW. Chris sticks his head out the window and screams "CAPPUCCINO!" As he springs out of the sunroof, his foot gets caught, and he slams down face first on the sidewalk. Pedestrians sidestep around his twisted body to avoid him.)
CHRIS: (in a weak voice) Cappuccino-o-o-o-o......
(Lance gets out of the car and gingerly kicks Chris. No response.)
LANCE: (shrugging) Oh, well. Shit happens. (smiles brightly) Hey! I just said, "Shit"!
JC: (muttering to himself) Wouldn't be the first time…
JOEY: (bending over Chris in concern) Well, assuming the gravitational pull of the earth is measured at 9.8 meters per second squared… and that Chris’ fall was at approximately--
LANCE: (snorting) Hey Joey, wanna do me a favor? Sit down, shut up, and quit acting like you know what the hell you’re talking about. Stop trying to act smart, ’cause quite frankly, our acting skills suck… and you aren't any different. Hey, why’s Justin all wet? Did he forget his Pull-Ups...? Oops!
JC: (mouth falling open in terror) Shut up, Lance! Do you want the press to hear you? This could mean the end of our eminent career!
LANCE: (shrugging like he doesn't really give a rat's ass) Sorry.
(The ’NSyncers scrape up chairs to sit next to the others, and start small talk. That is… everyone except for Chris, who is still flat on the sidewalk squeaking "cappuccino". JC and Samantha are engaged in a serious conversation concerning the evils of telemarketing.)
ADELA: (glancing at Chris) Uh, maybe someone should get a cappuccino for Chris... he doesn’t look so good.
JUDITH: (looking alongside JC and feeling uneasy) I agree with Adela. You guys just kind of left him there.
ED: (glancing at Chris also, then looking away) Forget that loser.
LANCE: (nodding) He’s faking.
ADELA: (her voice full of annoyance) Y’know what? Since JC or Sam don’t seem in a hurry to go anywhere, I think I’ll go get Chris the cappuccino.
JUDITH: (jumping up quickly, as to escape Justin’s infamous "Mom's money shot" {See the "HBO Concert"… or Tammy's review… FREE PLUG!} look that he's directing at her) I’ll go with you!
JUSTIN: (grabbing her arm) No, wait, Judith, there’s something I wanna ask you.
(Judith gives Adela a pleading look, but Adela mouths, "I’m sorry" and goes to buy Chris the coffee. Meanwhile, Lance is staring at Jennifer, licking his upper lip like he wouldn't mind having her with a side of coffee.)
ED: (glaring at Lance) Hey man what’re you staring at?
LANCE: (not seeming to hear Ed, and therefore saying to Jennifer) Wanna be my girlfriend? Or hooker? Or one night stand? Whichever comes first after two pints of liquor.
JENNIFER: (glowering at him) Get a life, Blondie. I already have boyfriend.
LANCE: (grinning as if he doesn't believe her) Oh yeah? Who?
ED: (balling his hand into a fist and cracking his knuckles menacingly) Me, you prick.
LANCE: (sighing in annoyance) Dammit! Joey, Plan A isn’t working. Joey, are you listening to me?!
JOEY: (looking up from the enormous slice of carrot cake he is devouring) Hmmm?
LANCE : Did we have a Plan B?
(Jennifer and Ed stare at them peculiarly)
JENNIFER: (looking at Ed) You wanna leave?
ED: (getting quickly to his feet) Good idea! These people are just a little too stoned for me.
JENNIFER: (to Adela) Me and Ed are leaving. Meet you at three at your house?
(Adela nods and waves goodbye. Lance and Joey then advance to JC and Sam’s secluded table.)
LANCE: (smiling brightly) Hi guys! Wanna talk?
JC: (giving him a look of annoyance) Do you mind?
JOEY: (frowning in confusion) What? Do I have a mind? JC, that's a really dumb question. But, to answer your question… I think so...
JC: (looking scornfully at him) For your information, we were talking about Marth--
SAMANTHA: (interrupting him and laughing) It’s okay, Josh ...so guys, tell me about what happened on tour…
(Meanwhile, back at Judith’s table…)
JUDITH: (looking very nervous and kind of afraid for her life) What was it you wanted to ask me?
JUSTIN: Well, you know, since I figured I’m fly, and you’re like, kinda fly, but not as fly as me, I got this for ya.
(He opens a case containing a diamond ring practically the size of a boulder)
JUSTIN: Ya wanna marry me? I mean, true it won't be a real marriage, since the public or my family can't know about you, and all I really need you for is to be my personal cook, housekeeper, groundskeeper, sex slave, and mother of my nineteen children, but I think that with a little love and a lot of hot, sweaty horizontal tangos, it could work.
JUDITH: (screaming in horror) No! God, no! (gaping at the glittering jewel) Besides, how much did that cost you?
JUSTIN: (in a bragging tone of voice) Oh, I dunno. I just gave the guy my Master Card and told him to charge it.
JUDITH: (laughing harshly at how much of an idiot he sounded like) Well! You should try to take back that rock to that crook who ripped you off, but I bet you wouldn’t even know how to identify him in a crowd of one since you’re too drunk to remember your own name… but do me a favor. When you do go, take JC with you, okay?
(Justin looks heartbroken for a second, but shrugs and turns to look at the slim blond at the next table.)
JUSTIN: (grinning nastily) Hey, baby, you da--
*****SLAP!!!*****POW!!!!*****
(Justin has just been slapped by the blonde, then punched out by the blonde’s boyfriend. Poor Justin. Judith takes her chance and jumps out of her chair to join Adela.)
ADELA: (crouching down and shaking Chris by the shoulder) Chris? Chris? Are you okay?
CHRIS: (blinking rapidly and murmuring dimly) Cappuccino?
ADELA: (nodding) Yeah, I brought you a cappuccino.
(As she sets down the cup. Judith jumps from behind her and grabs her arm, blurting out her previous encounter with Justin and their need to get the hell out of there while the getting is good. Adela nods in mortification. Tamara is walking down the street reciting her poem for French class, blowing bubbles with a bubble wand.)
TAMARA: Tra-la-la, Où est la fleure, tra-la-LAAHHHHHHHHH!!
(Tamara stumbles over an unconscious Chris. Judith and Adela both scream.)
TAMARA: (in an enraged tone of voice) WHAT THE HELL IS THIS GUY DOING LYING ALL OVER THE SIDEWALK?! What are you, some kind of wannabe hobo? I could have died!
(Tamara empties her soapy water for her bubbles on Chris’ pants)
ADELA: (mouth falling open in shock) What did you do that for?
TAMARA: (shrugging nonchalantly, her anger starting to fade, she mumbles) I dunno, I was mad.
(Tamara gets up, brushes herself off, looks at Chris, who is still slightly unconscious, and instantly feels her anger rise again.)
TAMARA: (violently kicking Chris) Humph! The nerve of these pop stars!
(Tamara walks away shaking her head. Then she breaks off into a wild run when she sees Justin lying in a pool of blood.)
JUDITH: (trying not to laugh) Oh my gosh. Look at Chris. He looks pathetic.
ADELA: (nodding in agreement) Well, I did my share… I got him a cappuccino. I say we split. These guys are freaking me out.
JUDITH: What about Samantha?
ADELA: Oh, she’ll be fine and dandy, right along with Martha Stewart’s number one fan. I don’t think they even realize Justin is slowly dying beside them.
JUDITH: (looks at Justin) Ouch! Maybe we should call an ambulance...
(Judith and Adela glance at each other and grin sly.)
JUDITH, ADELA: NAH!
(The two girls slowly sneak away. Meanwhile, back at JC’s table...)
JOEY: (waving his arms excitedly to demonstrate) ...and then, Justin throws out his arms and knocks Lance off stage!
LANCE: (muttering) I didn’t fall...
JOEY: Sure you did. And he didn’t crowd surf, either. The audience just piled on top of him. It was hilarious. Kind of like when Chris threw his mannequin into the audience at the "'NSync Live" thingy and all the fans just ravaged it… only Lance is flesh and blood… lots of blood. (chuckling) We had to stop the song.
LANCE: (bitterly) Oh yeah? Well think of how fun it would be to half a bunch of pre-pubescent girls throwing themselves on you!
SAMANTHA: (sympathetically) That must’ve hurt. Sorry.
JOEY: I think I’ll go get another piece of cake.
(He pushes his chair back, only to have it bump into Justin head. Joey twists his head around to see what's blocking him from his precious pastries, then screams.)
JOEY: OH MY GOD, Justin's dead!
LANCE: (rolling his eyes for the millionth time that day… a common result of engaging in conversation with Joey) Go to hell, Joey.
JOEY: I’m serious, man, look at him!
JC: (in an bored tone of voice) Oh. I’ll call an ambulance.
(JC takes out his cell phone and dials 911. Nobody has noticed a mysteriously wet Chris still lying on the sidewalk.)
SAMANTHA: (clasping her hands together as she smiles at him, hero worship written all over her face) Oh, JC, you’re so heroic!
JC: (with false modesty) I amaze myself sometimes.
(Joey starts slapping Justin’s face to revive him.)
LANCE: (snorting and rolling his eyes yet again) Oh yeah, Joey, knock him out more than he already is!
(Joey looks around for help, but notices an ice cream shop a block away. He drops Justin’s bloody head and motions to Lance.)
JOEY: (nodding at the shop) Lance, look! An ice cream shop!
LANCE: (jumping to his feet) Really? I'm there!
(The men sprint towards the ice cream parlor, leaving Samantha and JC alone.)
JC: (sighing with relief) Thank God those two left.
SAMANTHA: (saying hesitantly after glancing at the two fallen 'NSyncers) But what about Justin and Chris?
JC: (waving his hand dismissively) Oh, I’m sure our bodyguards will find them--
(JC is once again cut off, this time by a thunderous explosion which rattles the neighboring buildings. While the smoke clears, the outline of two cars indicate a head-on collision. Only one of the cars, a lavender minivan is unscathed.)
JC: (aghast, leaping to his feet) Holy shit, that’s Martha Stewart’s six-star safety minivan!
(JC springs out of his chair and hurries to the scene, with Sam inching cautiously behind him.)
JC: (flailing his arms wildly) MARTHA! MARTHA!
(A rowdy crowd gathers around the "wreckage". JC shoves his way towards the minivan.)
MARTHA: (head buried in airbag) Nnnnnmmmmm, phhhhhroooo!
(On the passenger seat, there is a plate containing vegetable peels of all kinds. On the floor, there are a bunch of blue satin pillows with the frills half sewn on. The backseat is overflowing with bright green plants and lovely flowers.)
SAMANTHA: (cringing, noticing the OTHER car) Oh, heck.
(The other car, a has-been Mercedes, is now reduced to a heap of blackened, definitely shattered and defective, scrunched up piece of crap. Johnny Bravo, the driver, escaped safely and is now mourning the loss of his vehicle.)
JOHNNY: (weeping hysterically, his Elvis Presley drawl even more annoying than usual) Oh, mama, mah baby, mah sweetie, mah life, mah PRETTY CAR! What am I gonna do?! Mama's gonna be so mad!
(Johnny trudges away, crestfallen. He notices the same blonde Justin attempted to approach earlier.)
JOHNNY: (doing a series of karate moves, flexing his muscles, and combing up his blond hair) Hey there, Pretty Mama!
*****SLAP!!!*****POW!!!*****
(Well, you get the picture. People are still trying to decipher Martha’s muffled cries.)
SAMANTHA: (very irritated now) What is she saying?
JC: ..."Knit one, pearl two"?
(Sure enough, on her lap, Martha is blindly knitting a Victorian-era-like sweater.)
SAMANTHA: (moaning and covering her face with her hands) Okay, this is too much. I need to get OUT of here!
JC: (grabbing her sleeve) Hey, you wanna go to Chapters across the street? Maybe they have the NEWEST Martha Stewart’s "Garden"... OH MYGOD! Is that the new Harry Potter book?!
SAMANTHA: You like to read? (incredulously) You know how to read?
JC: (screaming at the top of his lungs) I LOVE TO READ!
(They skip to Chapters. Fifteen minutes after they leave, Britney Spears is cruising down the street in her bright pink convertible, blasting "Tearin’ Up My Heart". She sees Justin sprawled all over the sidewalk. She leaps fearlessly out of her car in a hot pink tank top and white shorts.)
BRITNEY: (in her fake accent) Oh mah God, Justin! Baybee!
JUSTIN: (gasping) Brit?
BRITNEY: Hunny, who did this to you?
JUSTIN: Ohhhhh....Ah luv you, Britney! I always will...I need help...
BRITNEY: Hang on, baybee! I’ll save ya!
(Britney hauls Justin to her convertible and throws him on the floor of the backseat. She sees Chris almost half-dead and contemplates taking him with her. She hears sirens, then decides not to. She jumps back into her car, and notices that she broke a nail.)
BRITNEY: Damn! Ah’m gonna kill you, Justin!
JUSTIN: But… Ah luv you, Britney...
BRITNEY: (rolling her eyes) Oh shut-up!
(So poor Chris is left stranded on the sidewalk. His cappuccino has long gone cold. Someone happens to kick it and the coffee splatters all over his face. He wakes up and realizes that his pants are damp. Then, he sees a fuzzy image of someone running towards him. It was the girl who was yelling at him earlier.)
TAMARA: (snickering with laughter) So they left you here, eh? You poor, tormented soul. I knew they would. That’s why I came back.
(The ambulance whizzes right past Tamara and Chris.)
TAMARA: I guess the person who called 911 for you gave them the wrong address. I wonder who it could have been. Joey, perhaps?
CHRIS: (sitting up wearily) No, Joey doesn't know the number to 911… or how to use a phone for that matter.
TAMARA: (putting her hands on her hips and staring at the sky, wondering what she did to deserve this) Anyways, I’ll bring you to the nearest hospital.
CHRIS: You will?
TAMARA: If you give me your car.
CHRIS: My Jag?
TAMARA: (pointing at BMW) No, THAT one.
CHRIS: Whatever. I have, like five of those.
TAMARA: It’s a deal.
(Tamara grabs his arm and starts to carry him on her shoulder.)
CHRIS: OUCH! Watch it, I got that arm insured for 2 million dollars!
TAMARA: (mockingly) Yeah, and I bet you got your flat, hairy ass insured for 10 million.
CHRIS: Close, 9.5 mil.
(Tamara shakes her head and walks off into the sunset carrying a whining Chris on her shoulders)
The End
Andrina would like to send a HUGE thanks to Cassie and Tammy, the webmasters of this kick-ass site, for putting up this story for others to read. No amount of gratitude will show how thankful she is.
**Side note from Tammy and Cassie**
Cassie: (rubbing her hands evilly) I guess you could say she owes us now, huh? Hahahahaha...
Tammy: (laughing evilly) Yes, we will send forth our legions of evil demons for you when we need you, young Andrina. For now, just enjoy your freedom.
Any comments, concerns, or suggestions about this story? E-Mail Andrina! Back to "Humor" Back to Main