N Credible? (What the fuck is this? The title?)

On No Strings Attached, N Sync trade wussy for wussup in an 'illn-advised bid to get jiggy with... something By David Browne (Okay… so the first album was wussy and the second one is supposed to ghetto… ten to one says this guy is a yuppie from Wall Street. Let's see how many "ebonics" words he manages to create.)

For the past decade, the pursuit of credibility-- both artistic and "street" (I'd give my right arm to know what exactly he's trying to insinuate by putting the word "street" in quotes)-- has been a curse upon the land of pop. Many have wrestled with it, and the struggle is never pleasant to behold. In rock, Kurt Cobain and Eddie Vedder once shrank into pained fetal positions while trying to bridge the chasm separating their record sales and anti-mainstream, indie-rock ethos; conversely, platinum-selling rappers keep pumping up the thug-life volume to ridiculous levels in order to offset accusations of softness. (What is he? A psychologist now? I'm like this: you don't live in their heads, you don't know WHY they sing what they sing, or what they rap what they rap. Get the stick out of your ass and open your mind a bit. I'm gonna write a letter to this magazine, man.) Either way the music suffers. (Says you… I think music is evolving beautifully, and until we can wipe out all the asses that don't like when different music genres merge, we will never reach music utopia.) When was the last time you played Pearl Jams 'No Code'? (Speak for yourself. When was the last time you played it? The last time I played it was last week.) And was there a more absurd sight last year then Puff Daddy going gangsta on the Public Enemy-sampling single "PE 2000"? (Puffy? Gangsta? Same sentence? I really hate when people write about shit they obviously have NO knowledge about. Go back to the Upper West Side, asshole. Puffy did NOT go gangsta on that single? What were you thinking when you wrote that?!)

Current teen pop would appear to be immune to the credibility gap, but it's begun creeping into the same genre as well. For Christina Aguilera and the Backstreet Boys, cred means gaining respect (and sales boosts) from grown-ups by way of homogeneous, in offensive light FM ballads. The trend continues with NSync's "No Strings Attached", on which the gawkiest looking teen idols ever manufactured (LOL… he's gulping down a tall glass of "Haterade") attempt to demonstrate they're not well mannered and groomed careerists but hip-hopping party boys. (Is that why they did it? I thought they were just trying to grow with us and evolve musically by branching out. But then, I MUST be wrong since I didn't go to college for four years to write reviews all my life. I mean, the critic knows, right?)

The overhaul began with January release of "Bye Bye Bye" the first of the albums many string of singles. (He covers up his lack of talent for writing with his pathetic play on words… amateur.) With its stuttering beat and blasts of laser-gun synths, (Where does he get this stuff? I mean, really, his phrases reek of mediocrity.) the song is more robust than anything on NSync, their wimpy debut, (Wimpy debut? What was wimpy about it? Besides "I Need Love", I mean. Other than that, since when are ballads and pop songs "wimpy". **sigh** I'd give anything to debate with this guy face to face.) and the kiss-off lyrics are meant to exhibit a new found virility. For the duration of "No Strings Attached" Lance, JC, Joey, Justin and Chris are equally determined to prove their get-downess. (What?! What the fuck is "get-downess"? What'd I tell ya about these yuppies making up words?) On the positive tip--as boys would no doubt say-- (and your wack ass, obviously) they've made a livelier, more groove friendly record than have any of their male peers.

In a not so positive tip, they do so by adapting a high school lockers worth of harmony, agonizing contrived African-American vocal mannerisms. (What's so agonizing about it?) In the gauzy funk of "Its Gonna Be Me", they stretch words like "babe" into "bayyyyb", resulting in unintentional parodies of R&B singing. (O-kay… so? Pop and R&B merge frequently. Look at Janet Jackson… she just now graduated into the world of R&B with "The Velvet Rope", all before then she was pure pop. Sisqo's goin' into the pop world a bit now, too. But they don't catch flack because they're black. As a black girl, I can honestly say that people need to stop with the stereotypes. It's getting pretty annoying.)

Their cover of Johnny Kemps '80's hit "Just Got Paid" is dutiful but the sound of 'N Sync crooning phrases like "lookin fly" and "pump up that jam while I'm gettin down" only illustrates how white they are. (Of course it does… since apparently black people are the only ones who can use phrases like, 'lookin' fly" and "pump up that jam while I'm getting' down"… bastard.) And lets not get started on "Bringin' da Noise," a drip-hop hooray that sports the years most excruciatingly faux title to date. (Yeah, please don't get started… I'm tired of your pompous attitude already.)

As we all saw at this years Grammy's, pop songs are mutating into beasts that are part Broadway production number, part Olympics opening ceremony. (Well, pop music IS a lot about entertainment. It's not just singing, it's about supplying a pleasing visual effect also.) Similarly, "No Strings Attached" is overstuffed with tracks clearly concocted with the concert stage in mind. (Well, "Space Cowboy" is more of a club jam to me… "It's Gonna Be Me" is what I'd listen to if I just wanted to dance around my room or sing in a talent show and win.) Its all too easy to imagine choreographed dancers and elaborate sets serving backdrops during tour performances of the doffy cosmic Western romp "Space Cowboy (Yippie-Yi-Yay)" (feat. a cameo by Lisa "Left Eye" Lopez of TLC another cred move) and the somewhat creepy "Digital Getdown" (on which they swap naughty online photos with a woman and get freekin'). On record, though, these numbers are synthetic-funk spectacles, not songs. (Which is your opinion, not fact. Don't get it twisted. They sounded like songs to me.)

As children of dance and hip-hop culture, NSync may be completely sincere about all these seeming affectations. But they're also products of show business; JC and Justin, after all, were stars of '90's Mickey Mouse Club. As a result, their street-savvy posing is less about singing then acting-and not particularly persuasive dramatics at that. (Ahh… so now they're ACTING like they're from the street. They don't even sing anymore according to this guy. Oh no! What's next? A drive-by? This guy is so stereotypical that I wanna run him over with my car… oh wait, since I'm black, I guess I gotta get my "heater" and "bust some caps in his bitch ass".)

In fact, the group's best performances on "No Strings Attached" arise only when they drop the pretenses. (Once again, opinion… and a bad one at that.) The album's least contrived and most pleasurable moments are its ballads- The Richard Marx (!)- penned "This I Promise You," with its earnestly angelic harmonies, and "Ill be Good For You," which has a effortless light R&B swing. Neither is as great as the Backstreet Boys "I Want it that way," (Oh my God!!! WHY does everyone feel that "I Want It That Way" is such a great song? How many people did the Backstreet Bitches bribe into saying that? That song was one of the stupidest ones they ever came out with. "Love Is All I Have To Give", "I'll Never Break Your Heart", and even "Show Me The Meaning of Being Lonely" was better than that shitty ass song. Kevin sounded flat, as usual… Howie sounded gay, and Nick sounded pre-pubescent. Then they say all through the song that they want it some type of way which we never find out, and the melodies are bland. Music's going to hell in a hand basket, y'all. Keep the 'NSync pride alive.) but at least 'N Sync stop trying to be little bunishers (What's a "bunisher"? See what I mean about making up these dumb ass words?) and finally revel in their Limp Bizkit selves. (This comment doesn't even make sense, so I won't even refute it. It's just stupid.) C- (That's his grade… I give it a B+, but only 'cause I could have done without Justin and JC rapping on "Just Got Paid"… plus that whole "Makes Me Ill" track is up for debate in my mind. It sounds like it could be good, but I refuse to pass judgement until I hear it.)

Get it while the gettin's good, bay-bay!!