I recently had the pleasure (misfortune?) of going to the Ruff Ryders/Cash Money concert. The misfortune might have been the fact that I took Justin Timberlake of 'NSync with me. Oh boy, was it an experience to record.

First off, we got to the Hampton Coliseum and me, Isabella, my friend Candace, and Justin walked in. Everyone was giving me and Belle high-fives and sayin' "Wassup", 'cause me and her are known like that. One guy stopped us and said, "Yo Tam, want me to call security? There's this corny ass white dude followin' you everywhere you go." I looked to where he was pointing and said, kinda embarrassed, "Oh, that's just Justin." The dude shrugged and chuckled, "What's with the do-rag?" I blushed and replied, "Bad hair day." I was determined not to have Justin make a fool out of himself, though, so I quickly dragged him up to where I was so he couldn't wander off and do something worthy of a beat down.

We finally found our seats (front row, to the left of the stage) and sat down. Over the next twenty minutes, Justin was suckered into buying over $70 worth of pictures. He got pictures of Eve, DMX, Juvenile… all of 'em. Man, everytime the guy walked by, Justin would lift his hand and say, "Hey, can I get a pic? Lemme get another one!" LOL So the concert starts and this comic comes out. (I forget his name.) He starts talking about 'NSync and Backstreet Boys. Me and Isabelle scrunch down in our seats so Justin won't be noticed (hopefully), but guess what Justin does? Jumps up on his chair and screams, "Preach on, my brother!" The comic took one look at Justin and busted up laughing. He starts talking about Justin's afro, saying he looked like a really tall, white Gary Coleman. Em-bar-ass-ment. Me and Isabella decided to hide under our chairs as Justin cheered and said, "Yeah, boy! Gimme some more! Give it all to me!" The comic looked at him strangely and said, "You like this abuse? Man, you the coolest white boy I've ever seen. You officially one of us tonight. I'm givin' you a Brotha Card." Justin went teary eyed and replied breathlessly, "Really? You mean it?" The comic goes, "Yeah, sure. The Brotha Card entitles you to all the sistas you can handle…" "I can barely handle one," Justin shrugged. "… and a dime bag of weed," the comic finished.

After all that was over and Isabella and I were able to show our faces again (Candace didn't really care 'cause she doesn't embarrass easily), the Cash Money Millionaires come out in this helicopter. We got really hyped 'cause we love these guys, but man, Justin just went through the roof. He's like, "Oh my God! This shit is off the chain!" He kept repeating that same phrase throughout the whole intro. The Cash Money guys launch into "I Need A Hot Girl" and all that, and afterwards, started the "Back Dat Ass Up" contest. They pulled all these skank ass girls on the stage and told them to shake their asses 'cause the winner would get to dance on stage. Well, the first seven looked like crap according to the Hot Boys, so they got dissed, even though Justin was DROOLING all over the floor. The final girl was shaking her butt (me, Candace, and Isabelle were gagging and getting totally grossed out), and she showed her THONG… Oh gross! Man, I was about to lose it right there except… Justin fainted. Dead away. The sight of a sista's ass in a thong was too much for the kid, I guess. Juvenile looked at Justin's seemingly lifeless body and drawled, "Damn! Dis girl definitely da winner, wardie. She shook her ass so good she made da boy fall out." Candace leaned over and slapped Justin, trying to wake him up, which didn't help. My friend Dango happened to see the problem and came up to Justin with a smelling salt… or rather, the closest thing you could get to smelling salts at a Ruff Ryders/Cash Money concert. He held a small bag of weed under Justin's nose and laughed as his eyes fluttered open. "Damn," Justin murmured, "this is some good shit. Roll me one, brotha." We pulled Justin to his feet as all the Hot Boys stared at Justin with a mixture of amusement and disbelief at what just happened. Lil' Wayne just smiled and said, "This for you, hot boy. I think it describes your state right now." They open this box that has this HUGE pink balloon that was in the shape of , uh… well, let me put it like this… it wasn't a finger like I first thought it was. Justin smirked and says, "That's what mine looks like." After Isabella slaps the shit outta him, we are able to fully enjoy the rest of the Cash Money Millionaires' performance, 'cause Justin doesn't embarrass us or act stupid or anything. He just danced to the music with us (and tried to ride our asses a couple of times, earning him some more bitch slaps).

Then comes the moment I've been waiting on. The Ruff Ryders. The music comes up, the motorcycle rises, and my baby DRAG-ON comes out. I screamed sooo loud that it surprised even Justin. Drag looked sooo good. I was in the process of climbing onto the stage to molest him in front of tens of thousands of people, but Isabella and Justin held me back. L . Eve came on after that and we had to restrain Justin from jumping on the stage and proposing on her. Okay, let me just say one thing. Drag came back out and rapped with Eve on this duo they have and guess what? Drag looked at me! There's this part where he raps: "I wanna talk about b****es I f***ed. I'm a dog so I can't stand a b**** that hounds I'm far from a clown. If I'm not knockin' down, Drag's probably not around. So I'm not the one to claim by either one of you dames, and if y'all catch Drag wit' a dame, trust she got my last name." When he said, "Trust she got my last name" he looked right at me. Also, he blew a kiss at me (well, at the audience… in my direction), and guess what Justin did? Reached waaay in front of me and pretended to catch the kiss. Pseudo-gay little… but I won't go there. I think he was joking and just wanted to annoy me. He made me really mad with that, though. Then Candace AND Isabella had to restrain both me and Justin from jumping on the stage and getting our molest on with Drag-On and Eve. ~LOL~

Finally, the coup de grace… (pronounced "Coo day grah"… Cassie's not the only one who can speak French. :-P) The top dog, the Dark Man himself, DMX came on. He rocked of course, so I'll skip to the weirdest part of the night. When DMX did his prayer, he started to cry… L It was so sad… Candace grabbed my arm and gripped it tightly. "Look at him!" she cooed. I nodded, "I'm 'bout to cry myself, girl." But just when the night couldn't get any weirder, you can count on Timberturd to succeed at such a feat. With tears running down his face, he jumps onto the stage and wraps DMX into a big bear hug, sobbing. He says (still sobbing), "Your words have touched me, man." DMX was cool, though. He hugged Justin back (awww…) and says (also still crying), "Cry on, dog. Cry on." Justin sinks to the floor of the stage, still crying. DMX has stopped crying by now and is looking at Justin quite strangely, who was by then rolling on the floor like he got some kind of holy ghost. Justin then hopped up and wiped his nose on D's shirt. He looked DMX right in the eye and said seriously, "As a brother, I must say… I love you man. And I can say it and not be gay 'cause the comic said I'm black tonight." DMX looked at Justin like he grew another head, but was cool about it as usual. He threw his arm around Justin and said into the mike, "I love y'all… good night", leading Justin backstage.

Thinking that Justin was in for a major beat down, we headed backstage also. We saw all the Ruff Ryders and stuff, and looked for Justin. We found him later (ahem… after I molested Drag-On FINALLY…) in the back with DMX. Ironically, the two were still crying. They each had one arm around each other and with the other hand were clumsily peeling onions, tears running down their faces. It was the most touching thing I had ever seen, y'all.

The End

This was, of course, A COMPLETE LIE, and if you believed a single word of it, please give me your name, address, and directions to your house so I can go over there and hit you in the head with a sledgehammer for YOU ARE A RETARD!!! The only true thing about this was that me and Candace (not Isabella, she was in Puerto Rico at the time) went to the concert and were in the fourth row (not first) and had a great time. Oh yeah, Drag didn't blow a kiss to me, but he really DID look at me.