Okay, so me and Cassie were having a lil' problem. Besides the obvious lack of updates on the site lately, we were quite NOT in the Christmas spirit. Don't ask us why, 'cause it's a mystery to us. I mean, I'm eighteen, so Christmas just isn't the same any more. But Cassie? Man, at fourteen I couldn't wait for Christmas to come! So I came up with an idea. One day when Cassie was hanging out at my house, I decided that we should do something drastic.

"Hey Cassie," I said, bouncing onto my bed and pushing her onto the floor, "I think I've got the perfect solution to our no Christmas spirit blues!"

"What?" she asked, getting up off the floor and wiping off her pants.

"We can write letters to Santa and harrass him!" I said excitedly, starting to do backflips on my bed. Once I slammed my head into the wall though, I sat my happy ass down and acted like I had some sense.

"You gotta be joking," Cassie replied, arching her eyebrow in disbelief.

"I'm not!" I answered with a bright smile on my face. "We can tell Santa what we want for Christmas and he'll deliver! I just know he will!"

"Are you okay, Tammers?" Cassie asked, scrunching up her face in confusion. "You're starting to scare me."

"C'mon, Cass," I said, rolling my eyes. "It's not like we have anything else to do."

So after Cassie finally agreed to do it, I broke out my paper and Crayons and we commenced to getting it on with Santa. "I'll dictate your letter for you, and you dictate mine for me, aight?" I suggested.

"How about you dictate mine and yours too?" Cassie grinned.

"Okay," I shrugged. After a moment of thought, I cried, "Hey! Wait a minute! You're not gonna trick me, Cassaloonie. I'll dictate your letter and you dictate mine."

"But technically," Cassie replied instantly, "isn't my letter your letter? So actually, you are supposed to be doing both. Handle your business, Master Writer."

"Hmm..." I muttered to myself as I sat at my desk and prepared to write. "There's something wrong with this somewhere. I'm doing her letter, and she's doing mine. But my letter that she's doing is technically her letter, and I'm doing her letter..."

"C'mon, T!" Cassie whined. "I gotta pee! Hurry up!"

"Alright, Dorkimus Maximus," I grumbled. "Start talking."

"Okay," she said, sitting on my bed and holding her chin in thought. "Alright, I'm ready. Dear Santa," she started, "I don't know why I'm bothering to write you. I mean, I've known since I was seven that you weren't real. Geez, the real "Santa" lives in Maryland with me and sleeps down the hall from me and puts me on punishment when I do something wrong. Anyway, I just wanna say that I think that you're a pervert. You're like some kind of fat, dirty, old molester man that probably sits on the couch on the other 364 days of the year and watches porn while eating pork rinds or something. And when Christmas finally does come, you let little kids sit on your lap and rub against your crotch. And I'm supposed to ask you for something for Christmas? No way. I hope you wind up going to jail for child molestation and all the prisoners beat you up and make you pick up the soap--"

"Cassie!" I snapped. "Stop talking so fast! And besides, this is Santa we're talking to! Be a little bit nicer. Geez…"

"Okay," she sighed. "But anyways… Like I was saying, Santa, there's not much I want for CHRIStmas. I mean, if you could perhaps find a way to get me into the CHRIStmas spirit, that would rock. I mean, CHRIStmas loses meaning to me more and more every year, so whatever CHRIStmas gift you could possibly give me would make my happy. I mean, I tried to write you on St. KIRKPatrick's Day, but I guess that's not your expertise 'cause I didn't get a KIRKPatrick's Day gift. But I know I'll get a CHRIStmas gift. And when you give my CHRIStmas gift, make sure there aren't any annoying fake, plastic dolls named Danielle in there, okay? Thanks a lot. Cassie." She looked up at me with a big smile on her face and asked, "How was that?"

"Very subtle," I answered rolling my eyes sarcastically. "Now, it's time for me to write mine. Leave me alone for a few minutes, alright?"

"No problem," she said, getting to her feet. "I gotta use the bathroom anyway."

So after she left, I leaned over my paper and started to write furiously with my bright orange Crayon. I think at one point Cassie came back in and was reading over my shoulder, but I was so into my letter that I barely noticed her. When I was done, the end product looked like this:

"Dear Santa,

Hi, my name is Tammy and like my cousin Cassie, I am not in the Christmas spirit at all. But maybe you can help me with that. For Christmas I only want three things, and here's what they are:

1. Peace on Earth and good will to all men.

2. For no more suffering to be endured by animals or people.

3. And finally, I'd like… anewcar,awholenewwardrobe,aboyfriendtomakesweetlovetoonNewYear'sEve,anewhouse,asuccessfulscreenwritingcareer,amansion,somehamsters,amillionbajilliongajilliondollars(betteryetmakeittwo),anewbestfriend,ahairweavekit,somemoreshoes('causemyotherbootsbroke),forpeopletostopstalkingme,theJaggedEdgeCD,formyVisatobepaidoff,didImentionanewcar?,ahorse,lotsofjewelry(Ilikediamondsandsapphiresandaquamarine),anewcomputerthatdoesn'tfreezeuponme,anewbedroomset,furnitureformynewapartment,howmanytimesdoIhavetosayanewcar?,andsomeWeightGain2000(or2001sincewe'regoingintotheNewMillenium).

Thanks Santa!

Much peace and love,

Tammy

P.S. Can I please have Lance Bass of 'NSync under my tree wearing nothing but a red bow tie? Thanks.

"Umm…" Cassie said hesitantly, "do you think Santa is gonna fall for that?"

"Fall for what?" I asked, sealing up our two letters.

"Nothing," she replied, backing up slowly and fearfully away from me. "I gotta be getting home, alright?"

"Sure," I said, "see ya later, alright? I'll let ya know if Santa answers."

"Yeah," she said, darting out of the room.

So I guess you're wondering what happened. Well, of course Santa didn't get us all that shit, he just lets the parents take care of that like the good little molester he is. But he did send me a letter back! Here's what it said:

Dear Tammy and Cassie,

I'm glad you see through my façade of innocence. Yes, I DO molest children, but only with their parents' permission. I enjoyed your letters very much and I want to say that I'm sorry that I cannot supply you with what you asked for. Especially a naked Lance. But I hope that this will tide you over. Enclosed is a sexy picture of Lance and a picture of Justin buck naked. Enjoy!"

AND HE WASN'T LYING, EITHER! SEE?