'NSync Goes To Mars
Okay, you guys knew it was coming sooner or later. Hell, 'NSync has done three albums, they're doin' a movie, hell, they're even gonna be in an episode of "The Simpsons"! Why not recruit our favorite little pop stars to go explore Mars? Shit, they've done everything else!
(The boys of 'NSync are sitting in cock pit… control panel… whatever the hell it's called-- of the space shuttle awaiting instructions from NASA)
Voice on Loudspeaker: Mission Control to 'NSync. I repeat, mission control to 'NSync! Do you copy?
Justin: Hell no! For the last time, we aren't trying to be like the Backstreet Boys! Jeez, they've never even been on a space expedition before. We, on the other hand, were in "Armagedd'NSync". So there!
Mission Control: Not that, cock rocket. I mean, can you hear and understand me?
Justin: (rolling his eyes) Of course. We're responding to your comments, aren't we?
Mission Control: Unfortunately.
JC: How soon do we leave?
MC: As soon as possible. We've detected life on Mars and we need it to be checked out as soon as possible. Now, we are about to engage ignition.
Joey: Engage? Hold on! We don't even know who this ignition chick is!
Justin: Yeah, can we atleast have sex with her first before we decide whether or not we wanna spend the rest of our lives with her?
Lance: Besides, isn't bigamy illegal on Mars?
Chris: (looking at Lance weirdly) When have you been to Mars?
MC: Please! Just shut up and start the damn shuttle!
JC: And how, O Insightful One, do we do that?
MC: (sarcastically) Ya see that button that says "launch"? Try pressing it, that might work. And if that's too hard for you, press the button that says "start". And if it still isn't easy enough, just press the big green button that says "GO" in the big black letters.
Chris: And where, might I ask, might these buttons be found?
MC: See that big panel with all the shiny buttons? It's a long shot, but they just might be up there! Jesus, you guys are retarded.
Chris: (looking for the buttons) Jack off…
MC: Dumb ass…
Lance: Prick!
MC: Dorks!
Joey: Ignoramus! (everyone looks at him in shock) What? I know big words, too! Like "clitoris".
JC: That's Joey for ya. No shame whatsoever.
Justin: Ya got that right. Now where were we? Oh yeah… butt fucker!
MC: Would you guys shut the hell up and start the rocket?!
(Chris finally finds, then pushes, the button marked "GO!" and the rocket takes off into the air. Unfortunately, the boys have not been properly trained to be astronauts and the G-Force nearly rips them into two pieces. Their fearful, high-pitched screams can be heard round the world and the high-pitch wails could put Chris' singing to shame. Finally though, they make it into space.)
Lance: (raising his arms up in the air… or space… or whatever) Woo-hoo! We're here!
Justin: Where's "here"? Mars? Already? Aren't we supposed to be seeing some red dirt or something?
Joey: For the love of all worldly sex, Justin, please shut the hell up. Thank you.
Lance: Bass to Mission Control. I repeat, Bass to Mission Control, do you copy? (looking giddily at the others) You guys don't know how long I've wanted to say that!
MC: I copy.
Justin: (snickering to Chris) He copies the Backstreet Boys! I dare you to ask him what the shape of his heart is.
MC: I'm not gonna tell ya again to shut up, Timberfuck.
JC: Excuse me, Mr. Mission Control, but how long 'til we actually reach Mars?
MC: Three months.
Chris: (grabbing his cheeks a lá Kevin from "Home Alone") Three months?! What are we gonna do for three months?
Lance: (smiling suggestively) I can think of a few things…
JC: (smiling also) Oh yeah. If you're talking about what I think you're talking about, then I'm all for it.
Joey: (looking at Lance, then blushing) You mean…? (Once Lance nods impishly, Joey grins widely) Oooh, you're so bad!
Justin: (unbuckling his belt) Absolutely sinful. This will definitely keep me occupied for three months…
Chris: I can't wait to get started. Me first! Me first!
(**Author's Note: Okay, am I the ONLY one pickin' up on the homosexual vibe up in here? Man, this is gettin' a little scary, and I think that we should leave these five corndogs alone for the next three months, then check back in to see who… er, I mean, how they're doing, capeesh?)
Three months later…
(We check back in to the boys of 'NSync and hear some groans, moans, and loud cheers. As we nosily look to see what the hell is going on, we see that alas, our minds have been in the gutters of space, for the boys are not, er… fudge packing like we had suspected. Using Justin's belt, they have hung a large poster of the Backstreet Boys on one of the walls and are throwing darts at it like it's a voodoo doll or something.)
Chris: (concentrating on throwing a dart at AJ's face) Hi, narrator!
Lance: (hitting him on the back of the head) Shh! You're not supposed to talk to her!
Chris: Why?
Joey: 'Cause she's not really here, dummy. You can't see her.
Chris: Well, I talk to God, and I can't see Him.
Justin: Chris, shut up and throw the damn dart or I'm taking your turn.
JC: Alliteration.
Justin: Wha?
JC: Throw, the… damn, dart… taking, turn. Alliteration. Cool, Justin.
Justin: (beaming proudly) Thanks!
(Chris has successfully managed to lodge his dart in AJ's crotch and cheers loudly. He then says, "That's what you get for screwin' wit' my leftovers, punk." He then passes the dart to Joey.)
Lance: Careful, Joe. Be sure not to hit Brian in the heart with the dart.
Joey: Why?
Lance: 'Cause he had surgery for a little hole in his heart. It wouldn't be right if you hit him there. Ya know, bad karma.
JC: As a matter of fact, just don't hit Brian at all.
Joey: (hitting Howie in the forehead with the dart) No problem.
MC: Okay, guys. We're approaching the planet Mars, so I need you all to buckle up.
Joey: But that seatbelt chafes me!
MC: Tough. Buckle up, fat ass. And as for the rest of you, don't touch anything as you’re landing. The atmospheric pressure on Mars is very different from that on Earth, and the last thing I need is for you anal pores to fuck up a ten billion dollar piece of equipment.
JC: We're not stupid, Mr. Mission Control Man. God, cut us some slack!
(But alas, as the boys are landing, Chris manages to touch something, hence fucking up a ten billion dollar piece of equipment like the anal pore he is.)
Chris: (fiddling with some knobs and buttons) Hey, hows about landing music? Any song requests?
Lance: (starting to sing loudly) It's the end of the world, as we know it…
Joey: (joining in) It's the end of the world as we know it…
JC and Justin: It's the end of the world as we know it…
All: …And I feel fine!
(Suddenly, the ship starts to shake, rattle, and roll as it plummets through Mars' atmosphere, and of course, the guys scream like little girls. Lucky for them though, the crash isn't all that bad…)
MC: What the hell happened?
Chris: Remember how you said not to fuck up a ten billion dollar piece of equipment?
MC: Yeah…?
Chris: (turning red) Sorry…
(As the Mission Control operator goes into spasms and unleashes a barrage of curse words, Justin leans over and calmly flips off the radio.)
Justin: Let's explore! See if there's some life on this planet…
JC: Yeah! This'll be cool! Besides, I know we'll find life.
Chris: How do you know?
JC: My mom says there's lots of Black people on Mars.
Chris: (leaning over and slapping JC on the back of the head) God… dammit, JC! What'd I tell you about saying stuff like that! People are gonna think you're a closet racist!
JC: But I'm not. Am I, Justin?
Justin: Nope. Okay, guys, get ready. I'm goin' out there! Wish me luck!
(Justin, being the dumbass he is, runs to the door of the shuttle and tries to open it. Before he can successfully pull it open, Lance pulls him back.)
Lance: Justin! What the hell are you doing?
Justin: (rolling his eyes as if it's the most obvious thing in the world) I'm going outside. Duh!
Chris: You can't just go out there, Juman. You need a space helmet.
Joey: Yeah, if you don't have one, then your face will swell up and turn red and your eyes will bug out like Arnold Schwarzenegger's did in "Total Recall". Remember that, guys?
Lance: Yeah, and I said that that's how JC looks after he snorts baby powder. Ha!
JC: Eat me. Let's put on our space suits and go look around.
(So our happy little space cadets don all the space gear needed to survive the Mars climate, then climb out of the shuttle. They are instantly mesmerized by all of the red dirt surrounding them.)
Justin: Hey guys, do you really think there's life on this planet?
JC: If so, then I don't see any proof of it yet…
(Just then, the five hear a loud rumbling, then a very distinctive sound…)
Voice: (sounding very flat and digitalized) Oooh, yeah…
JC: Oh my God! What the hell is that?!
Joey: It's the most awful sound I've ever heard! I've never heard anything like it!
Chris: (clutching his ears in agony) God, I feel like my ears are bleeding!
Lance: (clutching his stomach in pain) Yeah, it sounds like a cat is puking up an accordion!
JC: There's only one person I know who's voice sounds like that. It's…
Justin: (happily staring at the silhouette in the distance) Britney!
(The other four guys writhe in agony as Britney Spears and her male dancers execute the entire video of "Oops! I Did It Again!" as Justin smiles widely and even does some of the gay ass dance moves as he watches her. Just then, they reach the interlude, where Britney walks over to Justin…)
Justin: Britney, before you go, I have something to give you. (He pulls out a big black rock.)
Britney: Wait, isn't this--?
Justin: (grinning stupidly) Yeah…
Britney: But I thought the old lady dropped it into the ocean in the end?
Lance: (confusedly to JC) What old lady? And at the end of what?
JC: Ya know… the old lady at the end of "Titanic" who threw the blue diamond into the sea.
Lance: But that doesn't look like the blue diamond. It's looks like the same black rock that that other astronaut had in her video the first time. God, they suck.
JC: I know, but let the two retards live in their fantasy world. You know he's always wanted to be Leonardo DiCaprio anyway.
Justin: Yeah, but baby, I went down and got it for you.
Britney: (taking the rock and starting to walk off) Aww, you shouldn't have.
(But just before she can leave, Justin grabs her by the arm and pulls her back.)
Justin: (raising his eyebrows expectantly) Um, I don't know if you heard me, but I said that I went all the way down to the bottom of the fucking ocean to get this fucking rock. I know I shouldn't have, but I did. Now whatcha gonna do for me?
(Britney, after looking confused for a moment, kisses him on the cheek.)
Justin: Oh no, honey, I don’t think so. You gotta go lower than that.
(She kisses him on the neck…)
Justin: (in a sing-song voice) Low-er.
(She kisses the chest of his space suit…)
Justin: (whispering) Lower… lower…
Chris: (turning away from the two love birds) I definitely don't wanna see where this is gonna lead…
JC: You can say that again.
(The four walk away a bit, only to be immediately surrounded by Britney's male dancers. Keep in mind that I don't know their names except for TJ's… all I know is that my favorite is the black guy who looks all scary and wears all that mascara and eye-liner. LOL)
TJ: (grabbing Lance's arm) We are so glad that you guys are here!
Lance: (pulling his arm away and looking at the boy like he's crazy) Right…
Scary Mascara Boy: For real! We been so bored up in here just doin' the dance over and over! It was time for us to get some big, sweaty mens up in here!
Some other dancer: That's right, girlfriend! (blowing a kiss to JC) We gots us some new playmates now, honey!
TJ: (snapping the air) So who's it gonna be? Bachelor number one? Two?
Scary Mascara Boy: (licking his lips at Joey) Maybe bachelor number three…
Joey: Oh my God, it's like Sodom and Gomorrah on this planet! We gotta get outta here!
Some other dancer: Why the rush, honey?
Joey: (nearly in tears) I'm not your honey! Get away from me!
Justin: (walking up to the guys while looking VERY angry) Remind me to stay the hell away from Britney. That girl is such a tease.
Lance: (wrenching himself away from TJ) What happened, Justin?
Justin: You know that same old song she sings. On one hand it's like, "Hit me baby one more time, give me a sign, blah blah blah…". On the other hand, she's all, "I played with your heart, got lost in the game… you think I'm in love… I'm not that innocent." Well, I know she ain't innocent, and that's the side I wanted to see! Man, this planet is gay.
JC: (subtly moving away from Scary Mascara boy and his sidekick) I'm glad you noticed.
Justin: Okay, we've proved that there's life on this planet, let's get the hell outta here.
Chris: We can't. We don't have a way home. Our shuttle is busted.
Lance: (looking fearfully at TJ) Uh-oh. You know what that means, then.
TJ: (doing the "Carlton dance") Yeah! It's party time!
(The boys of 'NSync start to cry as Britney's dancers start to sing, "It's raining men! Hallelujah! It's raining men! Hey, hey!")
The End
**Note: I don't think that Britney's dancers are gay… well, most of them. Some of them I just wonder about… 'specially TJ. But still, I don't think that they're homosexuals and don’t particularly give a shit about the lifestyles they choose to lead. Peace.