Sometimes I hate you, Chakotay.

You helped me with the rough spots on this journey, and now, when my life has reached it's roughest spot, you're not here. Not here to put a comforting arm around me, to dry my tears, to say comforting words. To let me say what I never could force myself to say.

God dammit, Chakotay! I love you. There, I said it. But it'll do no good, seeing as your coffin was sent into space this afternoon. I should have been able to tell you earlier. But I did what I had to do. I'm the Captain, for God's sake! I did what I had to do!

Maybe I was afraid. If I was, it was justified. All the men who have ever been important in my life have been violently ripped away from me. Dad, Justin, Mark. It's not as if your previous love life had been perfect. Seska hurt you pretty badly. Somehow, you got through it, better than I ever would have.

We're ravages of spirit/conjured this temptuous rage/created you a monster/broken by the rule of love/but fate has led you through it/you do what you have to do/but I have the sense/to recognize/that I don't know how to let you go

I can't go anywhere without seeing something that reminds me of you. Tuvok sits in your chair now. Somehow, it feels wrong to have someone who doesn't smile sitting in that chair. I miss your smile, Chakotay. I miss your laugh. I miss those warm brown eyes. I miss you.

Every moment marked/with apparations of your soul/however, swiftly moving/trying to escape this desire/the yearning to be near you/I do what I have to do/but I have the sense/to recognize/that I don't know how to let you go

I have a song in my head...it turns out Ensign Snowdon has an affinity for Sarah McLachlan. This song seems to speak to me, which is why certain sections seem to be entering my thoughts. That last part, about desire...I don't know if you ever realized how much I wanted you, Chakotay. But a Captain does what she has to do....and jumping in bed with her XO is not exactly good conduct. But I know it would have been more than that. What's that Betazoid word? Imzadi. We would have, perhaps, touched each other's souls. Gods, sometimes I felt like that when our hands touched.

Glowing embers/burning hot/and burning slow/ deep within I'm shaken/by the power of existing/for only you/I know I can't be with you/ I do what I have to do/but I have the sense/to recognize/that I don't know how to let you go

I feel these tears rolling down my face again. I don't know if I remember a time when I didn't cry...the only other thing I remember is you. Gods, Chakotay, how can I carry on like this? I don't think I can do it!

I don't know how to let you go.