Thoughts

ARCHIVE

1/12/01
Here's some random ones for you...I bought Soul Coughing's Ruby Vroom CD recently. It came out in 1994 But the very first song "Is Chicago, Is Not Chicago" makes reference to a man flying a plane into the Chrysler Building. Ironic huh? Life imitates art or art imitates life? ...Also, I was watching TV the other day. And I learned a theory about the Dark Ages. Some scientists and historians believe that this world wide "pause" in the evolution of man may have been caused by a meteor. Many historical documents from that time talk about "Dragons" coming from the sky all ablaze with long tails. Sounds like a comet to me. And the resulting dust cloud from impact and global winter could of very well covered the Earth in darkness and put humanity on hold. So maybe the Dark Ages really were dark.... Also, I was reading a book recently and the chapters I was reading brought forth 2 very interesting concepts. Society as a whole has grown so accustomed to and dependent on noise that they ignore the sound of thought, which is Silence. And also... nowadays you can get all the negative thoughts you want for free, just look around. What takes a lot to obtain are those positive thoughts. that's all for now....

12/23/01
Well... It's the Christmas season and I feel the need to comment. For those of you who don't know and who do care, last Christmas sucked for me due to reasons I won't get into. But a happy holiday it was not. So I just wanted to take the time to mention a few things that actually made it Christmasy around these here parts and how much it does really mean to me. Firstly, the Trans-Siberian Orchestra show took the Christmas songs that kinda fade into the background in the stores upon Christmas and threw them up to the front. With a rock and roll twist so of course I could get into the whole thing more. Then there's my family. For the first time in 27 years my aunt & grandmother can't be with me on Christmas. But I sent them a little gift package through FTD with cookies and a Christmas CD and they seemed quite overjoyed. They get their presents when they return to town. Next came work. I actually enjoyed the office Christmas parties and chatting it up. And my boss Charles and one of the Account Managers Joanne recognised me with gift certificates to Newbury Comics and Sour Patch Kids. I too gave out some gifts to a few special people at work who genuniely seem to like me for me and their faith in me was appreciated. I wanted to do something in return to let them know and they seemed quite touched. It's nice to see people's faces light up and see them get excited about things. Then one of my old work buddies, Steve, showed up and took Dave the shipping manager and I out to lunch. It was nice to see him and he didn't have to do that. It was a chance to catch up and we're both doing well so that's good. Then Billy actually baked some good stuff for me and my best bud Steve. Both of us we're quite shocked and basically responded with "Yum". Then my favorite Christmas Gnome, Scott, showed up on the scene. Somehow he found a way to find books that both Steve and I were looking at buying ourselves in the mall, and get them for us for Christmas. He wasn't even with us when we were looking at them. I think he was hiding in the bookshelves. But it was cool that they thought of us. I got Scott & Billy stuff also, I hope they dig it. Then I go out to play pool a Barbara, who's Jewish, gives me a Christmas card. OK, not only are you thinking of me when I least expect it, but you're a Jewish girl giving me a Christmas card. Talk about going out of your way. And lastly. Chris didn't get to go to Merry Mayhem with us. So Scott and I chipped in and gave him a shirt as Christmas gift. When I gave it to him he seemed genuinely touched that we thought of him. So basically, this is the first Christmas in a long time where so many people I know put aside the quibbling and were genuninely nice and appreciative of one another. So I want to take the time to thank each of you for making this Christmas a little bit more special for me than Christmas' past. Stay good to one another.

12/8/01
Short and sweet... A lot of stuff has been going lately. And people seem to have a lot of opinions of me and why I do and say the things I do when they don't know anything about what the hell is going on. And far too many people got shit to say behind your back that they can't say to your face. Or people judging each other when they can't even own up to their own flaws and get themselves right. All I am doing is trying, which is so much more than so many other can say. So, my opinion can be summed up in the lyrics from one of my favorite Guns N' Roses songs from Use Your Illusion I... "DON'T DAMN ME"

Don't damn me When I speak a piece of my mind 'Cause silence isn't golden When I'm holding it inside 'Cause I've been where I have been An I've seen what I have seen I put the pen to the paper 'Cause it's all a part of me

Be it a song or casual conversation To hold my tongue speaks Of quiet reservations Your words once heard They can place you in a faction My words may disturb But at least there's a reaction

Sometimes I wanna kill Sometimes I wanna die Sometimes I wanna destroy Sometimes I wanna cry Sometimes I could get even Sometimes I could give up Sometimes I could give Sometimes I never give a fuck

It's only for a while I hope you understand I never wanted this to happen Didn't want to be a man So I hid inside my world I took what I could find I cried when I was lonely I fell down when I was blind

But don't damn me When I speak a piece of my mind 'Cause silence isn't golden When I'm holding it inside 'Cause I've been where I have been An I've seen what I have seen I put the pen to the paper 'Cause it's all a part of me

How can I ever satisfy you An how can I ever make you see That deep inside we're all somebody An it don't matter who you wanna be But now I gotta smile I hope you comprehend For this man can say it happened 'Cause this child has been condemned So I stepped into your world I kicked you in the mind An I'm the only witness To the nature of my crime

But look at what we've done To the innocent and young Whoa listen to who's talking 'Cause we're not the only ones The trash collected by the eyes And dumped into the brain Said it tears into our conscious thoughts You tell me who's to blame

I know you don't wanna hear me cryin' An I know you don't wanna hear me deny That your satisfaction lies in your ILLUSIONS But your delusions are yours and not mine We take for granted we know the whole story We judge a book by its cover And read what we want Between selected lines

Don't hail me An don't idolize the ink Or I've failed in my intentions Can you find the missing link Your only validation is living your own life

Vicarious existence is a fucking waste of time So I send this song to the offended I said what I meant and I've never pretended As so many others do intending just to please If I damned your point of view Could you turn the other cheek

But don't damn me When I speak a piece of my mind 'Cause silence isn't golden When I'm holding it inside 'Cause I've been where I have been An I've seen what I have seen I put the pen to the paper 'Cause it's all a part of me Don't damn me I said don't damn me I said don't hail me Don't damn me

Copyright Guns N' Roses 1991

11/18/01
Well, my aunt's memorial service went about as good as memorial services can go. I kept it together pretty well and so did everyone else. I think a lot of it came to do with the real lack of shock. It was more a rememberance of a life. Which is cool. My dad and my cousins new bride Roian, as well as some of my aunts old friends did a good job up on the podium. And I guess "Endure" was pretty well taken. The minister encouraged me & hoped I was sharing my gifts with the world. Since I could write a whole page on that I will save it for later and just say I appreciated all the compliments and I am sure I will have more projects in the works. Now, on to Saturday night ...
I absolutely hate writing things like this because they piss me off greatly. But I felt this needed to be said. Last night I was going to pick up one of my friends. Well, he decided that he would save me a little bit of trouble and start walking to meet me. Turns out that 3 guys cracked a beer bottle off his head and when he fell to the ground started beating him. Then took 20 bucks and his CD's. Now apparantly these guys are wanna be gangstas and my friend, if he could be classified would be more punk rock. What runs through my mind is trying to understand the rationale for this? Does behavior like this make you feel like more of a man? Three guys and a beer bottle from behind to take out one guy who is guilty of doing nothing more than walking down the street. It really takes a hard ass to do that. Is it because he was alone? Is it because he was punk rock? What the hell are they going to do with those CD's anyway? And is it really worth $20? I have so much of a problem trying to figure out what goes through people's minds anyway that makes them think some of their decisions are good ones, but when you see police cars and ambulances on the street corner and realise that they are all checking on your friend it can't help but make your blood boil. What kind of place do I live in that you can't be safe walking the street? By the way, somebody was murdered 2 blocks from my house on Friday. This is madness. There is really no need. Even though I can say that I wish I could of been there, and if I was and it was straight up we would see who the police and ambulance would be for, I will quote Rodney King and say..."Can't we all get along?" How much longer are we going to do things like this? Lash out at other people because they're different? To prove we're better? For what purpose? Well, I just think the whole thing in dumb. And the irony is, I'll be honest. It makes me want to lash out at someone, it makes me want to destroy. I just don't know anymore. Existance always has to be so damn complex. Yet still I search for answers.

11/17/01
I am careful how much or how little of my personal thoughts I share in this area, but since I haven't been doing updates lately and I started thinking about why I figured it was a nice story to share. I think it's interesting and shows why I haven't been around. I'll start with work. I have so many projects going and so much stuff on my hands that it constantly amazes me. Plus I get to work with some really cool people and have some great experiences. I can't really get into specifics here, but anyone who knows how I used to feel about work should know that I hated every second and damn near every person. I always seemed to do something wrong and supposedly I had no future. Well, now I really feel excited doing what we do. But the more things change within the company the more interesting things get and the more of my time is taken doing various things. As a side note, I have been doing MATV work, which put me back in the studios of my youth and having a good time doing it. This is so far removed from just 1 short year ago when none of this seemed possible. Sure gives me a lot to think about. And a lot to put on my resume.
While all this was going on I ended up going to my cousins wedding. This cousin has always been a smartass. A bigger smart ass than even I. And one day I wake up and he's almost 40, wise & responsible, and getting married. It was a day of great joy to see him married. But it was also great sadness as his mother, my great aunt, was definately on the losing end of a decade plus battle with cancer. And her dog was very sick with Epilepsy. Both of them could barely move. She watched the wedding out the window. But then, since I was taping the whole thing I brought it in to show her the parts she couldn't see. I also pinned a little red, white & blue ribbon on her and she held my hand. And I made sure to pet the dog and say goodbye to both of them when we were leaving. It really left me with mixed emotions. Especially because my aunt had said to me that her and the dog were going to go together. Now as someone who is deeply regretful that I didn't get to say goodbye to a lot of people who have died in my life it was comforting to me that I got to say goodbye and have that finality, in addition to the fact that my aunt would no longer have to suffer, but I still felt odd when I got out of the studio one night and called home to tell my family that my work was going to be shown on MATV only to be told that the dog, Spike, had passed away, to be followed by my aunt 30 minutes later. More joy, more sadness. More strange feelings. Especially after my aunt basically predicting what was going to happen. When she went to bed after the wedding the dog lay at the foot of the bed for 36 hours not eating or sleeping until he set forth on his journey for her to follow.
When I got home that night after the wedding my 1990 Pontiac Grand Prix overheated. And basically signalled to me that the end was near for it. Coincdentially though, just as that was happening something fell into my lap that I had been waiting for a very long time
And it looked a little something like this...

I had the chance to buy a 1994 GMC Jimmy from my mechanic. It took a little bit to work out the details. And I drove a Camry around for a few days (Thanks Dad) but I finally took ownership on Nov. 8th, which is the birthday of a certain ex girlfriend of mine. So, more irony. But I got this vehicle with alarm, remote starter, CD player, 4 wheel drive, and tons of other little goodies. Only 85K. I definately baby this one and I don't drive like as much of a maniac anymore. In fact, this week I washed her. bought her air freshener and a leather steering wheel cover. She will be well taken care of. I was in the position to take my savings and purchase a vehicle that I wanted totally on my own with everything as I wanted and I am still not in debt. Someone once laughed at the concept that I could manage money. Now I have the money and the truck. So HA! Obviously a lot of my time has been taken up with work and personal projects, noodling with the Jimmy, dealing with family issues, and also figuring out my ever revolving concert schedules & love life. Aerosmith cancelled and that was kinda a downer but immediately after I found out about Billy Joel and Elton John. I am so there. A lot of people find it odd that the first album I ever bought was Billy Joel. But this will make my 5th time seeing him. So Aerosmith and The Cult is an acceptable loss. As far as the women folk go, yes.. John is single... has been technically for quite a while. But I seem to be "talking to" a lot of different people and getting my head rubbed a lot. I really haven't picked a favorite, so I consider myself still single. If any of you who are reading this are a part or cause of my romantic confusion, or want to be, Here's a tip... don't beat around the bush with me. Just come out and show me. I don't like playing vaugue little games and I'm finding a lot of people interesting. Who's going to be the one to really make themselves stand out? Peak my interest and you'll see what's in store for you.
As I write this the clock just struck 3 am. So I will leave you with the words I bring to my aunt's memorial service tomorrow, or should I say today and catch a few zzzzz's before I get up to order tickets for Billy. It's going to be a long emotion packed Saturday. But irony has been par for the course lately. Anyway, this one's called...ENDURE....

"Endure"

I heard you let go the other night
That's OK
That's alright
It's about time that you rest

We all saw your courage
Silent strength behind a veil
Never one to give up fighting
But sometimes it's OK to fail

No one would blame you
And we're all very proud
It was your love for us that kept you around

Showing how a life should be led
When memories are alive
Nothing's truly dead

Remember us as we do you
And we'll try to smile and not to cry
But when you're away from someone you love
How can it not bring a tear to your eye?

I'd like to think that things have a purpose
That you hung on until you knew we're alright
Now you've gone to a better place than here
That's where you were off to that night

There are those that go before us.
To set the stage and make everything right
We'll all see you there when it comes our time
Until then
I Love You, God Bless, and Goodnight

10/27/01
Parents! Interesting lot aren't they? Well, here's one from Mom followed by one from Dad. Both started me thinking.

Maybe God wanted us to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.

Maybe when the door of happiness closes, another opens, but often times we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the one which has been opened for us.

Maybe the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

Maybe it is true that we don't know what we have got until we lose it, but it is also true that we don't know what we have been missing until it arrives.

Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back. Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart; but if it does not, be content it grew in yours.

It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

Don't go for looks; they can deceive. Don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.

There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real.

Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do.

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to make you happy.

Always put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the other person, too.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

Happiness lies for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives.

Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear.

The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you are the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

Please send this message to those people who mean something to you, to those who have touched your life in one way or another, to those who make you smile when you really need it, to those that make you see the brighter side of things when you are really down, to those who you want to let them know that you appreciate their friendship.

And if you don't, don't worry, nothing bad will happen to you.

You will just miss out on the opportunity to brighten someone's day with this message.

The Shoes

My alarm went off It was Sunday again. I was sleepy and tired, It was my one day to sleep in.

But the guilt I would feel The rest of the day Would have been too much, So I'd go. I'd pray.

I showered and shaved, I adjusted my suit and tie, I got there and sat In a pew just in time.

Bowing my head in prayer Before I closed my eyes, I saw the shoe of the man next to me Was touching my own. I sighed.

With plenty of room on either side, I thought, "Why must our soles touch?" It bothered me, his shoe touching mine, But it didn't bother him much.

A prayer began: "Our Father" someone said, I thought, "This man with the shoes has no pride. They're dusty, worn, scratched end to end, Even worse, there are holes on the side!"

"Thank You for blessings," the prayer went on. The shoe man said a quiet "Amen." I tried to focus on the prayer, But my thoughts were on his shoes again.

Aren't we supposed to look our best When walking through that door? "Well, this certainly isn't it," I thought, Glancing toward the floor.

Then the prayer was ended And the songs of praise began. The shoe man was certainly loud, Sounding proud as he sang.

His voice lifted the rafters, His hands were raised high, The Lord could surely hear The shoe man's voice from the sky.

It was time for the offering And what I threw in was steep. I watched as the shoe man reached Into his pockets so deep.

I tried to see what was pulled out, What the shoe man put in, Then I heard a soft "clink" as when silver hits tin.

The sermon really bored me To tears, and that's no lie It was the same for the shoe man, For tears fell from his eyes.

At the end of the service, As is the custom here, We must greet new visitors And show them all good cheer.

But I felt moved somehow And wanted to meet shoe man So after the closing prayer, I reached over and shook his hand.

He was old and his skin was dark, And his hair was truly a mess But I thanked him for coming, For being our guest.

He said, "My names' Charlie, I'm glad to meet you, my friend." There were tears in his eyes But he had a large, wide grin

"Let me explain," he said Wiping tears from his eyes. "I've been coming here for months, And you're the first to say 'Hi.'"

"I know that my appearance "Is not like all the rest, "But I really do try "To always look my best."

"I always clean and polish my shoes "Before my very long walk "But by the time I get here, "They're dirty and dusty, like chalk."

My heart filled with pain and I swallowed to hide my tears As he continued to apologize For daring to sit so near.

He said, "When I get here, "I know I must look a sight. "But I thought if I could touch you, "Then maybe our souls might unite."

I was silent for a moment Knowing whatever was said Would pale in comparison. I spoke from my heart, not my head

"Oh, you've touched me," I said, "And taught me, in part, "That the best of any man "Is what is found in his heart."

The rest, I thought, This shoe man will never know. . . Like just how thankful I really am That his dirty old shoe touched my soul.

You might be best friends one year, pretty good friends the next year, don't talk that often the next year, don't want to talk at all the year after that. So, I just wanted to say, even if I never talk to you again in my life, you are special to me and you have made a difference in my life.

I respect you, and truly cherish the memories of our friendship.

Send this to all your friends, no matter how often you talk, or how close you are, and send it to the person who sent it to you.

Let old friends know you haven't forgotten them, and tell new friends you never will. Remember, everyone needs a friend, someday you might feel like you have no friends at all. Just remember this e-mail and take comfort in knowing somebody out there cares about you and always will.