(Apologies to Dr. Seuss and the whole DBZ scene)
Every Whoson
Down in Who-ville
Liked Christmas a lot...
But Piccolo,
Who lived...uh, God knows where,
Did NOT!
Piccolo hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, don't bother asking why, there are too many reasons.
It could be because he once lost a fight.
It could be, perhaps, his turban was too tight.
But I think the most likely reasons might be
Goku, Krillen, Yamcha, Vegita, the Ox King, Master Roshi, Kami, and Chi-Chi.
To name a few.
But,
Whatever the reason,
A spat or a hat,
He stood there on Christmas Eve hating the Whosons
Staring down from his perch with a sour Namek frown,
Resisting the urge to blast the whole town.
PICCOLO: Where is this place? What am I doing here? Who are you, Voice? What is the meaning of this?
(He is standing at the entrance of a damp cave wearing a bad Santy Claus coat that doesn't quite fit and red slippers that are two sizes too small. The cave overlooks a cheery (if oddly constructed) village below. Piccolo whirls as Bulma, improperly dressed but seemingly impervious to the rotten weather, comes bounding out of the cave and jumps into a snow drift. Piccolo stares in shock and confusion. He gets the feeling he'll be doing that a lot before this is resolved.)
PICCOLO: Bulma?
(She shakes snow off her blue hair and runs over to him, eyes wide, mouth open, and if she were a Sayian or a dog her tail would have been wagging.)
BULMA: Oh, good! You're dressed, Santy Namek! Ready to go?
PICCOLO: Go? Go where? Why are we here? What-
(He breaks off helplessly as she darts into the cave. She comes running back dragging an old sled and carrying a sawed-off antler and a piece of string.)
BULMA: Here you go!
(Piccolo stares. He gets the feeling he's going to be doing a lot of THAT, too, before the end.)
PICCOLO: What is this for?
BULMA: I'm your dog, but you need a reindeer. Go on, tie it on my head.
PICCOLO: What? Why?
BULMA (patiently): Make me a deer.
Then
She waxed the runners
On her old flexible Flyer,
Loaded on some Capsules
And fetched his hat from the dryer.
BULMA: I shrank it. It was way too big.
Then Piccolo muttered, "What?"
And Bulma pulled the sled down
Towards the homes where the Whosons
Lay a-snooze in their town.
PICCOLO: Whose voice is that? Bulma, what is the point of all this? Is someone manipulating our minds?
All the windows were dark. Piccolo's anger filled the air.
All the Whosons were dreaming sweet dreams without care
When she stopped at the first little house on the square.
BULMA: This is stop number one.
(Piccolo reads a plaque on the house.)
PICCOLO: This is the Son house? Goku lives here?
BULMA: Goku and Crew.
PICCOLO: He'll know what this is about.
BULMA: That I doubt.
PICCOLO: Stop rhyming everything. Wait here.
(He stomps over to the house through the snow. The door is locked. Out of patience with this reality and ignoring Bulma's frantic gestures towards the chimney, he zaps the lock and opens the door. The interior of the house looks like Better Homes and Gardens Christmas issue after a few rabid interior decorators had their way with it: decorations, presents, food, trees crowd the room. Piccolo scouts out this fire hazard and finds Goku and Chi-Chi all snug in their bed. Goku is snoring. Loudly. And drooling. Chi-Chi is curled up like a cat next to him, humming sweetly with each breath.)
PICCOLO: Wake up!
(Nothing.)
PICCOLO: Goku! Get up! Wake up!
(Nothing. Piccolo gives him a shake.)
PICCOLO: WAKE UP, GOKU!
(Nothing. If anything, Goku snores louder.)
PICCOLO: The world is ending, Goku!
(Nada.) PICCOLO: Freeza's back!
(No dice.)
PICCOLO: DINNER!
(THAT generates a slight reaction. Goku rolls over and resumes sawing wood.)
PICCOLO (under his breath): %&**$#@*&
(He stomps out. Gohan and Krillen are similarly asleep in bunk beds. There's a crib in the room and Piccolo assumes it's Goten and doesn't bother to look. He returns to the living room to think, ignoring Bulma waving in the window.)
And he thought and he growled for a moment or two
And he tried to decide just what he should do.
He glanced where the stockings all hung in a row,
"That laundry, the tree, this room - it's got to go,"
Then this old Namek Claus turned 'round in a snap.
He'd heard a small sound...like a wolverine with its foot in a trap.
(Vegita enters the living room, tripping and cursing as he comes. He's dressed in a frilly pink nightgown that's so tight around his feet he has to walk on tip-toes. He's wearing his body-armor over the nightie, and Chi-Chi has edged it with lace. His hair is gathered high over his head by a tiny pink bow. He'd look adorable if he were anyone but Vegita. His teeth are clenched and his hands are balled into tight fists.)
VEGITA: Alright, Santy Namek! Why? Why are you stealing our Christmas tree? Why?
PICCOLO: Vegita! Snap out of it! Someone or something is controlling our minds!
(Vegita frowns, looking twice as pissed as, oh, about twelve seconds ago.)
VEGITA: I'm Veggie-Lou Who and I'm not yet tw- (Catches sight of Bulma looking and waving in the window) -AH! Woman! What is this foolish play? What is that growth on your head?
PICCOLO (in disgust): She thinks she's a dog masquerading as a reindeer.
(Vegita looks as confused as he deserves to be.)
PICCOLO: Snap out of it, Sayian! You're Prince Vegita of Vegita, not Veggie-Lou Who!
(Vegita looks down. Sees pink and lace. Panics.)
VEGITA: AAAAGGGGHHHH!!! Sant-ah! Piccolo! What's going on here? Who's responsible? Why are you dressed in that ludicrous garment?
PICCOLO (ruffled): I could ask you the same question. Nearest I can figure, we're being held in some twisted dimension where some voice that keeps following me is in control of events.
VEGITA (looking for something to blast): Who else has been abducted?
PICCOLO: Goku and Chi-Chi are asleep in the next room. Krillen and Gohan are here, too. And Bulma.
VEGITA: Who thinks she's a dog.
PICCOLO: Apparently she thinks she's here to serve as my assistant in some capacity. She seems to expect me to steal something.
VEGITA: Do you know what? It may be the key to our escape and punishing whomever is responsible for this wardrobe.
PICCOLO: Christmas?
VEGITA: That's not a Sayian word.
PICCOLO: In Namek it means...dust bunnies.
VEGITA: It must be a human thing. Let's wake Kakarot. He would know about something so stupid.
PICCOLO: I tried already. He must be drugged.
VEGITA: Hmm. How about your dog? She may know.
(Bulma is let in, tracking snow and mud on Chi-Chi Whoson's floor. She's insanely, inanely happy to be inside and to see people and won't keep still. Vegita just stares at the antler tied to her head and she stares at his bow.)
PICCOLO: Bulma, what is Christmas?
BULMA: What you're supposed to steal.
PICCOLO: But what IS it?
BULMA: A holiday, silly! With presents and food and songs and trees and decorations and Namek Claus.
PICCOLO: How can I steal an intangible object?
(Bulma blinks blankly.)
VEGITA: Steal the trappings of it, Namek! Steal the tree, the fan dangles, the roast beast, the Who Hash. Take it all! Damn it, I'll even help you, Namek! Find a means of transporting all this trash and we'll get rid of everything! I'll get Krillen up. He can help.
(Moments later, a bleary-eyed Krillen wanders out of the bedroom, followed by Vegita. A moment later Gohan bounces out of bed and barrels into Piccolo.)
GOHAN (awed): It's - it's Santy Namek! Krillen, look, it's really him!
PICCOLO: Gohan, I'm Piccolo.
GOHAN(thrilled): He even knows my name!
KRILLEN: I dunno...
GOHAN: Santy, what long ears you have!
KRILLEN: I always thought Santy had more hair than me.
GOHAN: And what big teeth you have!
KRILLEN (dubiously): I don't think that's Santy.
(Goku comes wandering out, mostly asleep, dressed in Dr. Seuss underoos, with his hair doing the typical Sayian bad hair thing.)
GOKU: WOW! Namek Claus! Awwwwww! Hey, guys, look!
(Piccolo gives up on father and son.)
PICCOLO: Krillen!
KRILLEN: Whoa! Ahhh!
PICCOLO: Quit it with the reindeer in the headlights routine, Krillen. Vegita and I need your help.
KRILLEN: You mean Veggie-Lou? But - but - but-
PICCOLO: Silence.
KRILLEN: Eeep!
PICCOLO: Go help Vegita. NOW!
GOHAN: You're a mean one, Mr. Piccolo.
GOKU: Hey, Gohan, want some Who-Hash?
GOHAN: Yeah!
(They run off for the kitchen before Vegita, Krillen, and Bulma can raid it. They're oblivious as the others begin to stuff Christmas into capsules.)
THEN
They did the same thing
To the other Whos' houses
Filling capsules
With Christmas
Those Scroogy grouches!
KRILLEN: Ooooh! Chi-Chi's not going to like this!
VEGITA: Good. Bulma! Put that Whosiphone back! Stop playing with the toys!
It was quarter past dawn...
All the Whos still a-bed
All the Whos still a-snooze,
When they packed up the sled...
PICCOLO: Is that everything?
VEGITA: Yes.
KRILLEN: W-what are you going to do now?
VEGITA: Blast it into smithereens. Got a problem with that, baldy?
KRILLEN: But-but-hey, Vegita, why are you wearing a dress?
VEGITA: I think I'll kill you for that, human.
Then far down the street there arose such a clatter
They all turned around to see what was the matter.
PICCOLO: There it is again! That voice! Where are you?
(The door pops open on the Whoson house and Gohan, Goku, and Chi-Chi skip into the square. Other doors open and more of the cast come piling out into the snow. Master Roshi and King Kai are walking down the street towards them. Both are dressed as Santa and they're arguing.)
MASTER ROSHI: I'm a much better Santy than you. I have a beard. Besides, Santy isn't blue.
KING KAI: Who ever heard of a skinny Santy?
GOHAN (singing): I'll have a blue Christmas without you!
GOKU (joining in): I'll be so blue just thinking about you!
(Vegita smacks his head in disgust as his only two subjects act like morons. Soon all the Whos down in Who-ville are crooning away, holding hands and doing everything BUT harmonizing. Bulma starts howling. Gohan joins her.)
VEGITA: NOW what is that woman doing?
KRILLEN: Why don't you just marry her?
VEGITA: Why don't I just vaporize YOU?
KRILLEN: AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!
(He dives behind the crowd of caroling DBZ cast and crew.)
Then far down the street there arose such a clatter
They all turned around to see what was the matter.
PICCOLO: Now it's echoing!
(Suddenly Dende, dressed in a really bad felt suit and hat with a blond curl on his forehead comes running down the street at top speed. He's being followed by a similarly-clad, pointy-eared elfin lynch mob waving woodworking tools and yelling in squeaky voices.)
DENDE: PICCOLO! HELP!
ELVES: Dende doesn't like to make toys! Dende doesn't like to make toys!
Shame on you!
PICCOLO (protecting Dende): I've had enough!
VEGITA: It's about time, Namek. Shall I?
PICCOLO: NO. They're mine.
(He reduces Santa's helpers to a black smear.)
GOKU: Hey! That looks like fun! Are there any left?
(Vegita nails a straggler.)
VEGITA: Nope.
GOKU: Hey, nice bow, Veggie-Lou. Hiya, Dende! Coming to dinner?
PICCOLO: There's only one thing left to do.
GOKU (scratching his head thoughtfully): Well, there is a colony of Smurfs on the other side of Mount Crumpet...
PICCOLO: Not that, Goku!
(He turns and glares up at the author. She jumps in her seat. Piccolo shoots a beam of energy at her and singes her bangs.)
PICCOLO: That was a warning shot! Next time, kiss that ponytail you've been trying to grow good-bye!
MAGNES (weakly): Heh.
PICCOLO: Get us out of here. NOW.
GOKU: Hey, Dende, Vegita, who's he talking to?
VEGITA: Voices in his head.
GOKU: Really? Like Chi-Chi does to me?
VEGITA: At least as bad.
GOKU: Ooooooh.
MAGNES: Tell me again why I like you guys?
PICCOLO: You LIKE us? You like us and you do this to us? What do you do to the anime characters you hate? Put them in the steerage section of the TITANIC? Write them into Hanna-Barberra cartoons? Have them guest-star on 'The Simpsons'?
MAGNES: It was just a cheap ploy to get Vegita in a dress.
VEGITA: I heard that! Kakarot, where are those Smurfs?
(Piccolo looks...dangerous. Magnes decides it's not worth her hair.)
MAGNES: Okay, okay, don't get your knickers in a twist. Where do you guys want to be?
GOKU: Eating!
PICCOLO: Earth.
DENDE: Namek, please.
(Vegita mumbles something the author doesn't quite catch MAGNES: What was that, Vegita?
VEGITA: mumblemumblemumble.
MAGNES: Dude, work with me. I can't read voiced-over lips.
VEGITA:OUT OF THIS DRESS AND ON A DATE WITH BULMA, YOU STUPID POET WANNA-BE!!!!!!!
MAGNES: Gotcha. Guys, it's been surreal. Go have fun. Still want to get those Smurfs?
ALL: YES!!
MAGNES: Sic 'em fellas.
(And she wrote everyone a happy ending after all. Everyone, that is, except the Smurfs.)