Deadhead Jokes
My Favorite:
After Jimmy Buffett dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on a
tour. He shows Jimmy a little two bedroom house with a faded parrot banner
hanging from the front porch.
"This is your house, Jimmy. Most people don't get their own houses up here,"
God says. Jimmy looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one
sitting on top of the hill. It's a huge two-story mansion with white marble
columns and little patios under all the windows. Tie-dyed flags line both
sides of the sidewalk and a huge Grateful Dead banner hangs between the
marble columns.
"Thanks for the house, God. But, let me ask you a question. I get this
little two bedroom house with a faded banner and Jerry Garcia gets a mansion
with brand new Grateful Dead banners and flags flying all over the place.
Why is that?"
God looks at him seriously for a moment, then with a smile, God says,
"That's not Jerry's house, it's mine!"
You Know You're a Deadhead When....
* You spend more money on blank tapes than you do rent.
* None of your tapes have names on them, just dates.
* You have over 50,000 lines of your email received by your account every month.
* You swear the guy walking by you at the football game just said, "Doses."
* You prefix every noun with "kind" or "ice cold."
* You spend more money at the post office than you do at the gas station.
* You still have the parking tag from NYE 1976 hanging from your rear view mirror.
* On forms, you list your occupation as "?".
* GDTRFB, SSDD, BIODTL, SOTM, TLEO, NFA, all mean something to you.
* At any given moment, you can compute how many days, hours, minutes and seconds it's been since Alligator was played.
* Someone asks you what you do for a living, and you just smile real wide.
* The first entry on your MCI Friends and Family List is 415-457-6388.
* You got that last one.
* You try to tell your Russian history professor that Marx stole the phrase, "One man gathers what another man spills" from Robert Hunter.
* You think $1 for a grilled cheese sandwich is pretty damn cheap.
* Your professors notice members of your family only become deathly ill when there happens to be a show within a 1000 mile radius.
* Your Windows background is a picture of Jerry Garcia, your cursor is a Steal Your Face skull, and sometimes you swear its leaving 'trails'.
* The mainframe sysop wants to know how the 400 page file entitled, "Lyrics to 300 Grateful Dead Songs" that you sent to the new laser printer relates to the CS456 project you've been working on.
* Whenever you walk through a parking lot, you instinctively hold your right index finger in the air.
* You can install a new cylinder head on a '68 VW microbus with your eyes closed.
* You have more tie dyes than neckties.
* You find it amazing that people fill balloons with AIR.
* You try to convince your grandmother that Aoxomoxoa is an acceptable play for a Scrabble triple word score.
* Your dog is named Bertha.
* Your kid is named Althea.
* You spend New Year's Eve with your cassette deck instead of your spouse.
* Your license plate spells, "HEY NOW."
* Your stock portfolio includes 50 shares of stock in the Hanes Black Tshirt Division.
* You consider "a miracle" to be a ticket to tonight's show.
* You can't leave the house without wondering where the tickets are.
* Left unoccupied, your hand instinctively taps the beat to Not Fade Away.
* You actually are in search of the "eternal buzz."
* You're still waiting for that second verse of Dark Star that they started back in May of 73.
* There are 10 people still shacking up at your house from the summer 1990 tour, and you still don't know any of them.
* You consider Veggie Burritos gourmet.
* You can remember an Other One that wasn't followed by Wharf Rat, or a Throwin Stones that wasn't followed by Not Fade Away.
* You try to claim gas to and from shows as an income tax deduction.
* You know the zip code for San Rafael, CA by heart.
* You have the postal rates memorized.
* Your copy of Deadbase has long since broken out of its binding, and the ink is beginning to wear off the pages.
* You spend all morning looking for this killer Playin Jam that you think is on this tape from 71, probably at the Fillmore, and you know its a Maxell with the label on upside down, but it doesn't have a case, and you know the tape starts with Sugaree, but the last time you think you saw it was in 83, and it was under your friend Brian's refridgerator, or maybe it was just a filler on that Alpine Valley 89 show, which you think you probably listened to in that dude's bus on the way to Deer Creek this year, but his phone number is on the back of the ticket stub that you think is stuffed in your soundboard copy of the 7-8-78 set II, and you have NO idea where that is, so you pull out the Deadbase and start looking through every show since '71 that even had a Playin, but by 77 or so, you forgot what you were looking for because you got wrapped up in the nice version of He's Gone where Mickey starts playing the beam with dead cat, etc. etc. etc...
* Lately it occurs to you What a Long Strange Trip Its Been!
Q: How many deadheads does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 40,000. One to change the lightbulb, 499 to tape the event, 15,000 to dance and twirl in ecstasy, 5000 to sit and grumble that "they used to change 'em better in the old days", 5,000 to wander around outside with (mix and match) one finger in the air, calling out "doses", "da kine", "veggie burritos", "groovy dyes", "guats", "spare change", "gas/motel/food money", 4000 to wander around outside dancing at the cars with the tunes blasting from the tape decks, lining up at the balloon trucks, 100 scalpers selling fake bulbs, 400 state/local/federal officers looking for all the above...oh, yeah, and 10,000 to follow the old burned out one to the next town.
This head is in Austin for spring tour and he goes into the hotel bar after the show and orders a beer. He remarks that the bar is 50 feet long. "Sure", the bartender replies, "everything is bigger in Texas". The bartender brings him his beer, and it must be 64 ounces! The bartender says "Yep, even the beers are bigger in Texas". The head has to relieve himself after such a large beer, and asks the barkeep where the toilet is. He's still a little addled from the show, and goes through the door on the left instead of the right and falls into the pool. Panicked, he yells, "don't flush, don't flush!"
Two heads were discussing a recent show. "It was terrible, the mix was bad, Jerry forgot lines, the playing was uninspired, it was torture to listen to," said the first. The second added, "I agree, and it was too short, too!" .
Cosmo the deadhead is at the end of his rope. He's broke, half a continent away from his folks and he needs to get home. All he has left is his dog, Astro. He spies a likely yuppie couple on the way to their Porsche. He says, "Excuse me, I'm broke and I want to sell my dog for bus money. He's special dog, he even talks! Ask him something." The man seems appalled, but the woman is intrigued. "Oh Dale, that would be so kewl! OK, doggie, what's your favorite dead song?" Astro barks "Wharf, wharf, wharf". The couple laugh at this and leave, without buying Astro, of course. Astro looks at Cosmo and says, "maybe I should have said Playin'."
Deadhead Zeke was seeing a show out of town, and was going to crash at his pal Cosmo's place. However, Zeke missed Cosmo after the show, and was feeling pretty lost and disoriented. So he called Cosmo asking how to get to his pad. Cosmo told him to look at a street sign to find out where he was, and he would go pick him up. Zeke looks at the street and says, "I'm at the intersection of Walk, Don't Walk". Cosmo replies "Dude! that's right outside my building!"
How many deadheads can fit into a VW bus?
One more... and his dog.
How many deadheads does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to twist it and one to light it.
I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours. Great song!
A hippie was walking down the street one day when a pixie pounced on him. "Today is your lucky day!" said the pixie. "I'm gonna give you two wishes. What will the first one be?" The hippie thinks for a moment and then says, "I want a never-ending joint." So the pixie snaps his fingers and there is this king-sized joint. The hippie jacks it up and starts puffing. After five hits the joint is still the same length. Next the pixie says, "...And number two?" The hippie replies, "This is so cool man! Gimme another one!"
Send me your Deadhead Jokes!
My "On the Bus" story
I got on the bus in 91. The weird thing is, it wasn't the Grateful Dead that drew me to the show, it was the hippies! I wanted to check these freaks out for myself. When I arrived at our campsite, I smiled like a cheshire cat. I instantly felt the love and kindness. I saw it in every face.
At my first Dead show, I didn't know any of the songs. I remember a brother grabbing me by the hand and told me I needed to dance to this song..."its one of the good ones!".. it was Sugar Magnolia. I have grown in the music many worlds since. "Mama, Mama, many worlds I've come since I first left home."
I love this place! This zone, this free spirited feeling, being so touched by the music. That feeling only a Deadhead knows. The internal grooving, the intense love and excitement.. wow what a feeling!! Don't you feel sorry for "normal" people who haven't experienced the music?? Oh, if they only knew what they were missing.
Next came tape collecting, a whole new level. The kindness and willingness to share and spread the music in this circle is mind blowing! When I listen to these shows, I can feel the deep energy going on at that time. The Grateful Dead is so wonderful for allowing taping. Taping is a way of capturing the music's history, so we can continue to enjoy the show over and over again. This promises millions of future smiles and good energy for those who couldn't be at the show, and the memory of those who could...its awesome.
I never knew when I wanted to check out the freaks, what great joy was awaiting me...that I would fall so deeply in love on so many levels. For this, I am eternally grateful!
Send me Your "On the Bus" Stories!
Favorite Deadhead Bumperstickers
Weir Jammin!
Weir Everywhere
He's gone, but Weir still truckin
Bobby spit on me
Good planets are hard to find
Thank you, for a real good time
Daddy, what were forests like??
Are you kind??????
Garcia for President
Shut up and dance!
Ain't no time to hate
Nothin left to do but smile, smile, smile
Teach Peace
Only animals should wear fur
We will survive
Bare feet, not arms
Good people come in all colors
Love your mother, feed your brother
Dead Serious
Let there be songs to fill the air
Without love in a dream it will never come true
Thank you Jerry
Teach your parents well
Mean people suck
Mean people REALLY suck
If you don't vote, don't bitch
It will be a great day when our schools get all the money they need, and the airforce has to hold a bake sale to buy a bomber.
Send me your favorite Deadhead Bumperstickers!
