Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.
Worry, God knows all about you.
Jesus is coming, look busy!
Jesus loves you! (everyone else thinks you're an asshole!)
JESUS SAVES... But Gretzky gets the rebound, he shoots, he SCORES!!
I've found Jesus... He's in my trunk
Suicide is a way of telling God 'you can't fire me, I QUIT!'
I have nothing against god, it's his followers that I can't stand
Heaven doesn't want me, and hell is afraid I'll take over
Geez if you belive in honkus.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
I FOUND JESUS...he's in the truck of my car...you can see him for five dollars.
Born again pagan.
God, please protect me from your followers.
God is living in Canada and doesn't want to get involved!
Do I look like a Hemroid? Then get off my ass
Backoff I'm a postal worker.
Of course you're faster, but I'm driving in front of you.
Now that you are on my ass you wanna get married?
I drive the speed limit. If you don't like it call a cop!
I'm not tailgaiting I'm drafting!
I am a slow moving disciple of the Swami Procrastinada
If you can read this, your to close. (Written in brail)
If you can read this, you're in phaser range
Too Close for Missiles, Switching to Guns
Do Not Tailgate. Or I Will Flick a Booger on Your windshield!
I'm not in heat SO GET OFF MY TAIL!
Go ahead and honk. I'm reloading.
This car protected by a pissed off mother with a .45 auto.
Hold on before you pass, I'm reloading.
I have PMS and a gun.....excuse me, did you have something to say?
Happiness is an automatic weapon with a belt feed
Driver carries only $20 worth of ammunition
I still miss my ex...but my aim is getting better!
This car protected by Smith & Wesson
Fight crime, shoot back
If guns are outlawed, only outlaws will accidentally shoot their children
Gun control means using both hands!
Gun control is being able to hit your target
Guns don't kill people, they just make it easier
My karma ran over your dogma.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
Friends don't let friends drive naked.
If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!
Caution! Driver's applying make-up
CAUTION : Driver Singing
The kids drive me crazy, I drive them everywhere
Why am I the only person on earth that knows how to drive?
FORGET ABOUT WORLD PEACE...VISUALIZE USING YOUR TURN SIGNAL
If you think I'm a lousy driver, wait until you see me putt
Hang up and drive
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. . . Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car
Evacuate the road!!! STUDENT driving!!
It was only a lane change!
I drive this way just to piss you off.
Go on speeding, we'll cut you out (of your car ) -- Your Fire Dept.
Go on, I'll see you at the next traffic light.
Get in. Sit down. Shut up. Hang on.
Caution I swerve and hit people at random.
So many pedestrians, so little time.
Lost your cat? Look under my tires
<----Passing Side / Suicide---->
Hang up and drive
I wonder how you'd drive with that car phone shoved up your ass?
Beautify Texas. Put a Yankee on a bus.
Welcome to Texas, now go home.
Carlsbad Caverns: 22% more cavities.
Save California; when you leave take someone with you.
I Cayman went.
Wisconsin: Smell our dairy air!
WELCOME TO IDAHO. NOW GO BACK TO CALIFORNIA
If Texas is so great, what are you doing in New Mexico?
DAMM - Drunks Against Mad Mothers
I may be drunk, but you are down right ugly, and I shall be sober in the morning
A man is not truly drunk until he can't lie on the floor without holding on
An Irishman is not drunk so long as he can hold on to one blade of grass and not fall off the earth.
Don't drink and drive--if you hit a bump you spill your beer
If I'm driving funny its probably becuase I'm drunk.
Beer isn't just for breakfast any more.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
I have a problem with drinking... two hands and only one mouth
Honk if you hate noise pollution
Clap one hand if you love Budda
Honk if you don't give a damn
Horn broken. Watch for finger.
Honk if you love cheeses.
Honk if you're illiterate
Honk if the twins fall out
Honk if parts fall off!
Mafia staff car.
MY OTHER TARDIS IS A POLICE BOX
My other car is a Zamboni
My other car is Christine, and she's right behind you!
My wife's other car is a broom.
This is not an abandoned vehicle.
Do Not Wash - this vehicle is undergoing a scientific dirt test.
Yah it stinks and is giving you a headache it's a deisel
This car is like my husband, if it ain't yours don't touch it!
We're staying together for the sake of the cats.
When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger.
I'm the man of this house and I have my wife's permission to say so.
I got this motorhome for my wife....BEST deal I ever made!
LOVE: TWO VOWELS, TWO CONSONANTS, TWO FOOLS
Dad's the boss. Right Mommy?
THE GENE POOL COULD USE A LITTLE CHLORINE
SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE ONLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO KILL THEM
Thank you for not breeding
YOU!!! Out of the gene pool
Learn from your parent's mistakes - use birth control
So many stupid people, So few comets
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Stop Inbreding! Ban country music.
When evolution is outlawed, only outlaws children will evolve.
A fool and his money are my best friends
It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.
Change is inevitable... except for vending machines
Money isn't everything...but it sure keeps the kids in touch!
Hit me, I need money
Thank God for the IRS. Without them I'd be stinking rich!
If money could talk, it would say goodbye.
A fool and his money are soon partying
IF YOU'RE RICH, I'M SINGLE
Bright red meat is good for you. Fuzzy green meat is not good for you.
Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter
There are only 2 choices on the menu: take it or leave it.
I didn't work my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables
I like cats, they taste just like chicken.
If we weren't meant to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Cat... the other white meat.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
Grow your own dope, plant a man.
Good Girls Go To Heaven, Bad Girls Go Everywhere.
Zero to Bitch in 4.0 Seconds
FEW WOMEN ADMIT THEIR AGE, FEW MEN ACT IT
I'm the person your mother warned you about!
Men aren't pigs....pigs are gentle, cute creatures!
Missing, Husband And Dog; Attention $100.00 Reward For Dog
If men had periods, they'd brag about the size of their tampons
When God made man she was only kidding!
It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
Normal people worry me
Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy, check 3 friends, if they are ok, your it
I DON'T SUFFER FROM INSANITY, I ENJOY EVERY MINUTE OF IT
Moody bitch seeks nice guy for love-hate relationship
Support mental health or I'll kill you
Sometimes I wish life had subtitles
If you're happy and you know it see a shrink
P.M.S ?!! Hell, this is one of my better days!!
Madness takes its toll--please have exact change ready
If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one?
I may be fat but you're ugly, and I can lose weight.
Life's too short to dance with ugly men.
Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
My other wife is beautiful.
Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.
Never fight ugly people they have nothing to loose
Us blondes aren't bumb
If you think I'm a drunk driver you're wrong, I'm a blonde
Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
HE WHO LAUGHS LAST THINKS SLOWEST
i souport publik edekashun
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of it's students.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I is a college student.
HUKED ON FONIKS WERKD FER ME!
My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.
The worst day fishing is better than the best day working.
The question of fishing is not a matter of life or death... it's more important than that.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish
My kid can beat up your honor student
My honor student fired your stupid kid
My child was inmate of the month at the county jail
My kid had sex with your honor student.
Take a Bite out of Crime. It tastes like Chicken.
Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
Hug a Logger you will never go back to trees
Support your local undertaker - DROP DEAD!
Archeologists will date any old thing
Join the Army: Visit exotic places, meet interesting people and then kill them
Please don't tell my Mama that I work on an oil rig... She thinks I'm a piano player in a whorehouse.
Give Blood Play Hockey
Guns don't kill people postal workers do.
U.S. MARINE CORPS.--Everything destroyed in 30 min. or the next one's free!
Support a Lawyer - Become a Doctor
FIREFIGHTERS FIND THEM HOT AND LEAVE EM WET
Dole for Pineapple, Not for President
Honk if you've been groped by Clinton
Auntie Em. Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own.
When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS).
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
Eschew obfuscation.
Will Rogers never met a lawyer.
Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Is there life before coffee?
Never play leap frog with a unicorn.
The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.
Nuke the unborn baby whales.
I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
There's one in every crowd and they always find me.
Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats.
If it's too loud, you're too old.
Wink. I'll do the rest.
Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing.
Who cares who's on board?
Die Yuppie Scum.
No radio. Already stolen.
Exxon Suxx.
Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn't exist.
I don't care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be.
Pray for Whirled Peas!
It's not how you pick your nose, it's where you put the boogers.
It's not how you pick it, but where you flick it
They say you can't take it with you... But they also can't come and get it!
Humpty Dumpty was Pushed.
I'd rather be over the hill than under it.
I've run out of sick days, so I am calling in dead
Defecation eventuates.
Fleece on earth, good wool to ewe.
If there is a tourist season, why can't we shoot them
Nonconformists are all alike.
Hug your kids at home-belt them in the car!
Car will explode upon impact
Don't piss me off. i'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Don't laugh at these fogged up windows it's your daughter in here
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit
Do what you did when you were a kid: fly a kite, go fishing hunt a dinosaur
CONSCIOUSNESS: THAT ANNOYING TIME BETWEEN NAPS
DIPLOMACY IS THAT ART OF SAYING "NICE DOGGIE!"...TILL YOU CAN FIND A ROCK
I LIKE YOU BUT I WOULDN'T WANT TO SEE YOU WORKING WITH SUB-ATOMIC PARTICLES
LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION, I CAN FIND IT MYSELF
ACCORDING TO MY CALCULATIONS THE PROBLEM DOESN'T EXIST
PRIDE IS WHAT WE HAVE - VANITY IS WHAT OTHERS HAVE
WE HAVE ENOUGH YOUTH, HOW ABOUT A FOUNTAIN OF SMART
PURITANISM: THE HAUNTING FEAR THAT SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE MAY BE HAPPY
End racism...kill everyone
Indians discovered Columbus
Never Underestimate The Power Of Stupid People In Large Groups
If you love your life as much as I love my car then you won't steal it
Hire Teenagers while they still know everything!
Conserve Water; Shower with a friend
Let me tell you about my bowel movements.
If you are not the lead truck, the scenary never changes.
All generalizations are false.
If I roll up my windows and lock the doors, its because you smell horrible
Custer got Siouxed
Compost happens
Bad cop...no donut.
I'm pro choice, I choose to hunt, trap, eat meat and wear fur.
Due to recent cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
The light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train.
Just visiting this planet
Next time you think you're perfect, try walking on water.
DAM : Mothers Against Dislexia
Dislexics of the world... UNTIE!!
I will never put off 'till tomorrow what I can forget about forever
Do Not Meddle In The Affairs Of Dragons For You Are Crunchy And Good With Ketchup.
Where There's A Whip, There's A Way.
Sorry, I just haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister.
HELP! I've tripped and I can't get down!
I said "no" to drugs, but they just woudn't listen.
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
One who farts in church sits in his own pew.
I do everything my rice krispies tell me to do
Earth first! We'll strip mine the other planets later!
Very funny Scotty, Now beam down my Clothes!!!
STOP CONTINENTAL DRIFT!
I Hate Coffee--It Keeps Me Awake at Work.
I want to make love in the worst way--standing up in a canoe
There was nothing Great about the Depression.
HELP END POVERTY--EAT THE POOR
The more people I know, the more I love my dog.
The best way to change someone's mind is with a rock
Don't show your public hair, while in pubic.
Bad spellers of the world enight!
Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
Hard work has a future payoff, but laziness pays off now.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
A friend in need... can be a real pain in the ass.
If you must burn our flag, please wrap yourself in it first.
BE KIND TO YOUR CHILDREN; THEY CHOOSE YOUR NURSING HOME.
Not tonite dear, I have a modem!
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't
