Episode

3

Nights Can't Have Balls, DUH

Episode Three: Nights Can't Have Balls, Duh.

So later, Utena starts yammering about friends and stuff to Anthy, who's not listening because she can manipulate her level of deafness appropriately or something totally kickin' like that. So Utena starts, like, walking really fast like some kind of mean tape dispenser and everyone calls her 'Utena-sama' because Anthy told them that it pisses her off or something. So Utena's all like:

UTENA: Dude, just make some freakin' friends already. I like whole wheat bread or something totally nasty like that, cuz it's healthy.

TOUGA: Hi, I'm the Student Council President who will have sex with anything with a hole in it, and I'm a whole wheat bread boy. Stand still while I rub this chicken grease off in your hair.

UTENA: Go away, cocktail shrimp. Your milkfish antics won't seduce me.

TOUGA: Ok, then let's just be, like, chums or something.

UTENA: Sick, sick.

Meanwhile, Anthy is bored, so she walks away, and some kind of queer hair cuts come up and slap her or something totally stupid like that. But this bovine-esque blond shoos them away and says:

BLOND: OMG, I'm so popular and I, like, know you're nominated as the dance queen in the Michael Jackson category or something totally off-topic like that. So you should, like come.

ANTHY: Ok, Nanami. I named my chicken after you.

NANAMI: How thoughtful.

So later, this bagel of a Hi!Schooler rings Utena's doorbell and drops off this totally bile-inducing frill fest of a dress sent to her and Anthy from Touga. And Touga's message with the dresses was, like:

TOUGA: See you at the dance or whenever you decide to wear this or something. I bought it for you because I'm all impressively rich and stuff and I thought you should know.

So, like, later, Anthy and Utena are at the dance in their totally roadkill- like bunches of cloth, and Nanami is Touga's sister. So Touga goes:

TOUGA: I wore so much mascara tonight just for you, Utena. I love that dress on you. I picked it out myself.

ANTHY: Thanks for my totally puke-green dress, too, Mr.President.

TOUGA: I didn't send you a dress, you incestuous clam.

NANAMI: Anthy, here, come with me so I can introduce you to my large, blurred mass of friends with no pupils or irises and stuff.

ANTHY: Mm.

UTENA: Oi, she has friends already and stuff. That's, like, such a cool ego boost for me cuz I was right.

TOUGA: Dance with me in that dress or something totally romantic like that. I love you.

Meanwhile, some klutzy faggot sprays nonalcoholic apple cider all over Anthy and it was all Nanami's fault because she's an evil psychotic witch and stuff and Anthy's dress melted because it was actually Nanami's or something and she's some kind of exhibitionist. So Utena pulls a super-man and rips off her own dress to reveal her pointy-like school uniform that shows off her gigantic expanse of legs or something and makes a toga out of a plastic table cloth for Anthy, and Anthy's all like:

ANTHY: OMG, I love you and stuff, you're so nice.

UTENA: I'm sorry, what? Those rose petals are all, like, getting in the way of my lip-reading abilities again. They stalk me, just like you.

ANTHY: That's no coincidence.

NANAMI: OMFG, my plan didn't work! I'll humiliate anyone who, like, is better at Monopoly than me.

TOUGA: Milk duds.

END until Dios stops trying to break Utena and Anthy's ribs in that strange ending, man.