Episode

6

Nobody Can Take Care of Miss Nanami, DUH

Episode Six: Nobody Can Take Care of Miss Nanami, Duh.

Nanami is walking around in the dark somewhere.

NANAMI: Boy, do I love parking garages!

Suddenly, a black car comes and nearly runs her over. There's a loomy man floating off in the distance somewhere near Mexico. The driver goes:

DRIVER: Stupid, stupid duck-loving nail! You almost got run over! ...You know, you're not supposed to do that........

NANAMI: Ooch...my knees.

Later, Miki, Touga, and Nanami are sitting is some sort of raccoon- populated sunlit spot in front of a background with very vague trees and stuff. Touga goes:

TOUGA: Dude! Someone's trying to assassinate you? I wouldn't be surprised like a dog.

NANAMI: Yeah! A pot, like, totally almost fell on my head when I was at Home Depot yesterday or something totally accidental like that!

MIKI: Face it. You're just a klutz.

NANAMI: Help me, lover brother bougenvillia! I simply cannot stand a spinning globe that cannot comprehend how completely vital, attractive, stylish, and absolutely, monumentally adorable I am!

TOUGA: You should stop reading, man. Those big words confuse me. Excuse me while I go to finish up some work or something.

MIKI: Oh-hoh, you know what THAT means.....

Later again, Nanami is sitting with Miki and her three weird hair cuts. A small package peanut flies through the air.

NANAMI: My brother should be protecting me like a boy with absolutely no life!

MIKI: GOD, siblings are annoying....

NANAMI: Wutchu sayin', Willis?

MIKI: I mean, how many people have you, like, annoyed in your life so far?

HAIR CUT #1: She never does the dirty work or something you're supposed to read between the lines for and stuff like that.

NANAMI: I swear, somebody wants me dead like an upside down goldfish.

Suddenly, the package peanut becomes a baseball and buries itself into Nanami's forehead or something totally bad-timish like that. Utena comes running up, holding her hat lovingly, and goes:

UTENA: Aww, maan! Do I have good aim or what? Sorry about that and stuff! Hey, where'd the ball go?

NANAMI, MOJOJOJO STYLE: It was you....It was you....

UTENA: Oh, cool! You sound like Igor!

NANAMI: It WAS you or something totally convenient like that! You dropped the pot on my head, you unleashed the rabid logs on me, you pushed me down the stairs!

UTENA: What the Hellven or something totally compounded like that? I think you have something on your nose.

NANAMI: That's all that I can stand!

The hair cuts try to hold Nanami back while she dramatically flails her arms around as if she's some sort of Utena threat or something.

UTENA: Look, whatever, just gimme my ball back.

Suddenly, Nanami isn't a homicidal freak and she starts to walk down this really long hallway with Utena and Miki. Utena goes:

UTENA: You're a flamin' moron, eh? I don't have a motive to kill you or something totally alibi-ish like that.

NANAMI: But my brother wants you or something totally non-related like that!

UTENA: No, he's just in love with my left pinky.

MIKI: Hey, the greenhouse is otherwise occupied with an occupant.

Suddenly, they decide to spy on the people in the greenhouse. They are Touga and Anthy. Touga goes:

TOUGA: Finish the job, you ADHD-prescribed little idiot, you.....

ANTHY: No, I won't!

TOUGA: You must kill. The plan cannot be changed or something to make Nanami get the wrong idea like that. I want the killing done at once!

MIKI: Did you hear that?

UTENA: Yeah, I never knew that potatoes could talk! Shh, I think it's saying something else...

TOUGA: What's wrong with killing vile vermin like them or something almost alliteration-esque like that?

ANTHY: A life is a life, man! If we leave them alone, they might migrate to Canada by themselves!

NANAMI: It's my brother.....it was him all along....

Suddenly, grayscale people show up for Nanami's Looking-Glass-ish imagination.

TOUGA: Oh, yes....nothing can come between us now....

ANTHY: Then why am I a head shorter than you and why is that gigantic, red rose dividing our bodies?

TOUGA: Never mind the rose, we can just drop its pot on Nanami.

ANTHY: Oh, Touga! Mi perra latina atractiva del amante!

The grayscale people get colourful again as Nanami storms into the greenhouse like some sort of dramatic moose.

NANAMI: How could you?!

TOUGA: Uh...........?

Nanami runs away screaming and Miki calls after her in a girly voice or something totally gender-confusing like that.

UTENA: I misjudged you, Touga! ..........it's not your fault, anthy.......... You may be the Student Council President, but you can't just plot to kill your own sister! ...........i'm not blaming you for anything, anthy.............. What kind of a potato do you think you are?!

TOUGA: Uh...........?

ANTHY: Look at my bug spray can and obtain infinite knowlegde or something!

So Nanami is running, sobbing like an ambidextrous chicken who really wants to eat lunch. But a horse randomly escapes and tries to run her over, but before it can, a guy in an ugly teal suit comes and saves her. The horse has a nuclear meltdown and vanishes into the final frontier. Miki and Utena throw their voices onto the screen.

UTENA: A prince appeared and saved Nanami??

MIKI: Yes, just in the tiny dot of time.

UTENA: Hey, that's my job!

MIKI: He left without saying his name or something totally mysterious like that.

UTENA: Sexy, kinda.

MIKI:I didn't think a prince could impress Nanami so much. Isn't she a lesbian?

Suddenly, Miki and Utena don't have to throw their voices anymore. They appear on screen.

UTENA: Beats me. Hey, she's walking toward that idiot with his eyes closed like he's going to collision himself into a wall or something!

MIKI: Is she into older men........?

UTENA: Hey, she's talking to an old, ugly guy with kickin' blue shades or something non-personality-suiting like that!

MIKI: Does she like them plain?

UTENA: She's talking to a boy with purple legs!

MIKI: She likes YOUNGER men???

BOY: Hi, Nanami, you dropped the whites of your eyes!

NANAMI: Tsuwabuki Mitsuru.........will you go out with me?

UTENA, MIKI, AND THE THREE HAIRCUTS COLLECTIVELY: EH????????

Suddenly, it's the afternoon and the skinny shadow freaks slap themselves onto a wall again. They go:

SHADOW FREAKS: Camping! Yay!

SHADOW FREAK #1: I love eating curry while camping or something totally sicklish like that.

SHADOW FREAK #2: But you're such a lousy cook.

Miki and Utena are eating, since that's what people do. Miki goes:

MIKI: It tastes pretty good.

UTENA: I was talking about Nanami, not the school lunch, you retarded squid. She's dating an elementary school kid or something totally pedophile-ish like that!

MIKI: She's not serious. She just wants Touga. This might be bad.

UTENA: Tastes fine to me.

MIKI: I wasn't talking about the lunch, you dancing pineapple.

UTENA: But if she got Touga, that would be incest.

MIKI: She loves her brother, the only man who's always been close to her or something that you can relate to me as well like that. Everyone else is just parsley to her.

Everybody starts to sprout parsley out of their ears.

UTENA: I KNEW she hallucinated!

MIKI: Look, Nanami and kid are actually hanging out or something brotherish like that!

So Nanami uses Tsuwabuki as a secretary, an answer sheet, and an easel.

UTENA: That's not how you should treat your boyfriend or something that I wouldn't know about like that!

SAIONJI: Even when you're abused, you're still happy to be near the one you love. Yes, love. Love can take many forms. Yes, love. Like the one Anthy and I share. Yes, love.

Silence.

SAIONJI: Hidden love.

UTENA: Who the Hellven asked you?

Later, Tsuwabuki beats up three Hi!School guys or something totally impossible like that because Nanami said so. Utena gets mad. She goes:

UTENA: You can't treat Tsuwabuki like so, Nanami!

NANAMI: Can too. Ja.

Nanami walks away and Tsuwabuki goes:

TSUWABUKI: I don't mind. I saw Touga save her from a gigantic, Bavarian bull once and have wanted to be her cool older brother ever since. Now I must protect her for all eternity and be cooler than Touga. Excuse me while I plot to throw a cactus at her head.

Nanami suddenly appears with recording and stereo equipment or something totally relvolverated like that. Tsuwabuki freaks out. She goes:

NANAMI: It was YOU who did all of those things!

UTENA: No. Kids.

NANAMI: I don't CARE, maaaan!

A kangaroo comes out of nowhere and tries to punch Nanami. Tsuwabuki protects her and his eyes bug out a lot or something totally headache- inducing like that. Utena tries to be a prematurely gray black man again.

UTENA: Stupid kangaroo! I'll kill you with this wooden telephone pole!

The kangaroo punches her away as if she's some kind of melting ice cream cone or something. Utena and Miki make the cutest, fearful, twitching faces as the kangaroo steps forward to introduce them to their maker. Suddenly, Tsuwabuki throws a cactus at its head. Nanami comes and saves Tsuwabuki from doom.

NANAMI: You can't DIE, I need guys like you to be my personal slave since nobody's ever going to beat Utena!

Touga jumps out and kills the kangaroo. A large, semi-circular tooth spins through the air. Chuchu dings a bell. People cheer.

ANTHY: Shut up, you guys! I'm trying to tell Utena that the vermin were killed!

MIKI: Touga never wanted to kill you. He wanted to kill the bugs.

NANAMI: I love you, brother! Tsuwabuki, let's break up.

TSUWABUKI: Adopt me? Please?

The three of them walk away. Utena goes:

UTENA: I just saw Touga with his shirt off. He's quite a guy.

Touga can read minds, so he turns around and flashes her a grin.

END

To be continued after Dios stops having unusually large hips for a man.