Episode

7

Juri Hasn't
Been
Filled,
DUH

Episode Seven: Juri Hasn't Been Filled, Duh

JURI LOOK-ALIKE: Miracles are bad. Hey, don't touch me there!

People are fencing. Squeaks and clangs abound. Miki sits in the corner like a girl.

JURI: You suck. Next! You suck. Next! You suck. Next!

MIKI: Wow, Juri, you just beat, like, seventy-three amateur fillettes in a row. You're so talented like a child who drinks McArthur or something.

JURI: I....do not like show and tell. Hmn.

After locker room blues and student council epaulettes are applied, a strange man with a grayish-coloured business suit walks up to Juri and goes:

MAN: Yo, yo, yo. You're keeping up the tradition like Confucius and stuff. Represent. Will you go out with me?

JURI: Whatever.

In the next window or something totally conversation-splitting like that, the bald guidance counselor is suffering from menopause. She goes:

COUNSELOR: You have no respect for the rules!

UTENA: I have no respect for you, either, man. Can I go now; you're going to make me commit suicide due to lack of interest or something.

COUNSELOR: You brought a pet to school!

UTENA: I only brought my Captain Planet lunch box here. I know that qualifies as a crime to society, but I'm positive that it doesn't break any school rules.

COUNSELOR: Forgetting that you're bringing a monkey to school has always been against school rules!

UTENA: Ok, now you're really BSing me.

The counselor further steams up with anger like a gigantic, chrome tea pot. She replies like the die-hard Pink Panther fan that she is:

COUNSELOR: Do you have a license for your monkey?

Chuchu puffs up in disgust and floats away.

COUNSELOR: OMFG, he ran away!

She runs off to go catch Chuchu, who deviously bounces fifty feet away so that Juri can say:

JURI: Howdee, partnur.

UTENA: ¡Ay, bueno dias! ¿Como estas?

JURI: Muy bien, gracias. ¿Y tu?

UTENA: Oh, muy bien. ¿No está usted en el consejo del estudiante?

JURI: Si. ¿Podemos hablar, Miss.Tenjou?

COUNSELOR: Tenjou, you flaming moron! Come help me catch this haphazard hazard to the majority of the student body or something totally English- bashing like that!

UTENA: Sorry, I have to go deflate my pet now. Coming, Miss!

COUNSELOR: We've got him cornered, shut the door! Quick!

UTENA: ..........I'll refrain from commenting on that.

The man comes back and goes:

MAN: Sorry for the wait, Juri. Vamos, let's go.

JURI: There's a guidance counselor in that room over there. Go flirt with her instead.

MAN: Doggonit. My plans are foiled again.

So the VP and the GC prance away while talking about eels or something totally slimy and japanese like that. Utena proceeds to refrain from commenting. Chuchu peeks out of the door.

JURI: So do you have time now?

UTENA: That was a miracle or something totally obviously symbolic like that!

Juri twitches.

UTENA: So people are saying, like the gossiping faggots they are, that you're an Ice Queen.

JURI: I was thinking more along the lines of a wild animal, but whatever.

UTENA: So the rumors are true?

JURI: Tsk. Like I would know?

UTENA: Are you fighting for the Rose Bride as well or something that'll piss me off if you say the wrong thing like that?

Anthy walks out of the rose garden and waves. It's hard to tell if she's carrying a rose or an ice cream cone.

JURI: We all fight for her because of two reasons. One: she makes killer snow cones, man. I mean, WOW. And two? Whomever owns her has some sort of godish power to revolutionize the agricultural system of Utah or something. It's quite cool.

Utena randomly does lunges. She goes:

UTENA: So do I have this 'power' or something that you'd have no clue about like that? Because maybe I could actually pass my Agriscience academy finals with it or something. Are you serious?

JURI: Miracles are bad like a goat.

UTENA: Tru dat. Hey, I hear Christmas bells. I guess that means I have to go before Anthy can catch up with me. Ja.

Anthy suddenly runs up next to Juri but decides to stop there before it looks like she's actually partaking in any physical activities. She hands an orange rose to Juri. Juri suddenly uses her leet slapping skills to strike both the rose AND Anthy's face at once.

JURI: Sometimes, I even amaze myself. Don't get too familiar. Otherwise, I might actually recognize you in the hallway or something.

Suddenly, it's Chicken Time in the land of gothic elavators. Touga starts throwing knifes at Miki.

MIKI: A duel is scheduled to take place this week.

TOUGA: I call seconds!

Miki turns his head, skillfully dodging Touga's blade as he confronts Juri with a single pearl of wisdom.

MIKI: WTF? You don't have a motive!

TOUGA: Hoo-haow! She wants to disprove the power of pumpkins.

JURI: Miracles.

TOUGA: Uh! Miracles. Right. Sorry.

MIKI: But why? How? When? Where? I'm turning into Freud?

TOUGA: Puzzah! Hoah! For the one she loves.

MIKI: But I thought you were just an anti-social girl who's in love with fencing--

JURI: Yes, I was in love...

Flashback time. But the characters are selectively not black.

BOY: Cool, you beat me at fencing. Awesome.

GIRL: Juri. Believe in the miracle that they will one day know your feelings! Take this orange rose and understand why you slapped Anthy for virtually no reason!

JURI: It was she who told me to believe in the power of miracles.

GIRL: I wanted him so much. So I took him away from you. Told him that you didn't like him. I regret my actions. You probably hate me. Everything's going downhill.

JURI: As I read your letter seriously, I seriously realized that my serious feelings hadn't lessened seriously. Whatever happened seriously back in those serious times, I realize that the three of us were still truly serious.

Flashback Juri knocks stuff off of a table. Flashback ends.

Tragedy. Drama. Joyful Utena segway.

It's night time and Utena goes:

UTENA: You're such a wimp, Chuchu! Go to sleep already! Hey, is that you, Juri? Duuude, you're wearing a girl's outfit. Sexy, kinda.

JURI: Hence the fact that I'm female. You're wearing a boy's.

UTENA: Hence the fact that I'm--Oh, nevermind. It's because of my prince or something.

JURI: I'm going to flirt with you. Gasp in shock.

Utena gasps in shock. She goes:

UTENA: Miss Juri?

Juri leans closer, about to steal a kiss, when all of the sudden, teenage hormones run rampant-

JURI: OMG, I HATE YOU!

UTENA: Aww, man. I thought I was going to have a lucky streak there for a moment.

JURI: The locket will overpower the ring. Haha. You don't deserve it.

Utena kicks Juri in the stomach. If Juri had been pregnant, she would have had a miscarriage.

UTENA: My ring's the only link I have to him! Neu!

JURI: Prove me wrong! Show me a miracle or something that doesn't relate to this conversation at all!

UTENA: ................ Der.

JURI: I'll force an answer out of you with my steely sword!

Later:

ANTHY: Rabbit dance!

Later:

SHADOW FREAK #1: I can't go to the zoo! I'm so happy!

SHADOW FREAK #2: No you're not.

SHADOW FREAK #1: ...............Am I truly so transparent?

So Utena and Juri are duelling. Utena's losing like a constipated amateur. Juri's all like:

JURI: When's your miracle going to kick in, you stupid girl?

UTENA: Rawr!

Utena suddenly looks like Dios. Then she doesn't. Then she does. Then she doesn't. Then she does. Then she doesn't. She almost knocks off Juri's rose, but Juri screams about miracles again really loud and knocks Utena's sword away.

JURI: You're done for.

The sword comes down from the sky and knocks Juri's rose off.

JURI: *dies*

UTENA: Oh-hoh! Another ego boost!

ANTHY: Realize, bay-beh.

JURI: I say, I say, I resent that remark.

Suddenly, we realize that Juri's heart doesn't belong to the boy from the flashback, but, rather, to the girl! A revelation is made! A new sexuality is realized! The viewer is stunned!

JURI: I hate you, I hate you all.

END

To be continued after I stop celebrating the Marlin's win of the world series.

That won't be for a while, mind you :D