Ladies and gentlemen, here he is--the man who dangles your entire future from his fingertips...the academic mogul who rules DePauw with an iron fistfull of cold, hard cash...the big cheese himself--President Bob Bottoms. He's a rather secretive figure, preferring to remain secluded from the public eye in his office (which you'll probably only see the inside of if you kill someone or put cyanide in the gravy at the Hub or something of equally devastating proportions) or in his massive, barn-style mansion with his dog and his dear wifef. In fact, I think I only saw Bob live and in person about 8 times my entire freshman year. Bob-sightings tend to coincide with important campus events or tragedies. You'll get your first taste of our loveable, huggable president at the freshmen convocation. He'll then remain invisible for several weeks afterwards, giving you time to recover from the blinding glory he exuded during the ceremony. If a major speaker happens to come to campus, he'll introduce them, and then sit next to them as they speak. If their monologue becomes boring, you can always watch Bob as he struggles to remain concious on stage. On a very rare occasion, you may see him in the Hub, not eating that garbage, of course--just watching with fatherly pride as "his" student body rushes past in a flurry of activity. If you happen to be a prestigious Rector Scholar, please heed these words of advice. Most likely, as a Rector Scholar, towards the beginning of the schoolyear, you will be extended an invitation to join Bob Bottoms at his home for dinner. Whatever you do, do NOT:a).comment on the rather "barnish" appearance of the Bottoms estate. Truth be known, in a past life, the mansion WAS a barn, and a barn that the Bottoms family is bursting with pride over. Impress Mr. and Mrs. Bottoms--tell them you're Amish, and that you've never seen such an impressive beam structure.
b).point and laugh at the ancient oil paintings that bedeck the walls of the Bottoms mansion--that frightening guy with the white beard is actually Bob's mother.
c). make fun of Bob's dog--a white Bichon Frise. If you call her a "walking cotton ball" or something of equally true, but cruel proportions, you may find yourself disinvited from any subsequent dinners.
The number one thing to keep in mind about our dear University President is this: He's just human being like the rest of us, and even though he does hold your future in the palm of his hand, makes $320,000 a year, AND lives in a barn, he's still a normal guy trying to get by in the world, so show him a little respect.