Clive, the giant squid

"Who needs a boring, CONVENTIONAL pet? Get a giant squid instead!"

Unofficial slogan used for 2 decades (1989-1990) on advertising billboards which nobody noticed.

Yes, I was one of the very few people who decided that a pet giant squid was the way forward. Following the advice of those wonderful ads, I rushed right out and purchased one from the travelling pet shop at the end of my road (just past the singing hobo).

Foolish youth that I was, I picked out the smallest of the squids on offer (as I figured it wouldn't grow as big as the others), paid my money (£9.99, a bargain considering baby giant squids cost in excess of £50 these days; inflation, you know) and asked the pet shop owner one important question. "Does it do any tricks?" The owner, an elderly woman by the name of Gertie, peered at me with her one good eye, scratched her head (in an effort to think with her one remaining brain cell) and grinningly replied, "Knittin'. Beast with 's many arms as tha' got to be gud at th' knittin'!"

Smiling, I believed her crazed answer and ran back home with my new pet, a giant squid who was smaller than the rest, but could KNIT! As I peered at him through his carry-case (which was actually a plastic bag filled with water) I thought of how cool everyone would think I was (nobody else I knew had a pet squid, after all) and pondered on a suitable name for him; a small cephalopod with an ink-weapon, a many legged beast of the deep, whose powerful ancestors had consumed innumerable fish, fought with giant whales, and even attacked great ships full of people...

I thought of the perfect name for such a creature; I called him Clive.

"A squid is for life, not just for Christmas"

So true that was, and I soon found out that I had greatly underestimated how much time I would have to spend looking after Clive, and the size Clive would grow to. He began as a creature small enough to fit into a cheap plastic bag, but soon Clive had outgrown the bag, the kitchen sink, and the bathtub, and there was nowhere to put him but the pond at the bottom of the garden.

At first Clive disliked the pond, and I wondered whether I should let him stay on his own there, with that gang of sinister looking frogs. I had no choice though, so consoled myself with the thought that Clive was a big squid now, and he was learning the ways of the world; his knitting was coming on, after all. The pond quickly became Clive's favourite place, though, and soon he was on speaking terms with all the frogs and even the dragonfly with the attitude problem who stopped by every so often.

Clive grew up fast, and was very soon bigger than the pond. His late night parties were disturbing the neighbours, and it was hard to walk down the garden without falling over his feet. Also, he was costing me a fortune in squid-food, so I suggested to Clive that he should "get out more, and see the world." He thought this was a brilliant idea, and set off right away on a trip around the world.

Unfortunately, Clive's trip had not been entirely successful. Clive had definitely become more intelligent, learning to speak English and catch a variety of foodstuffs. He had also gotten into some bad habits on his travels, and developed a bit of an attitude problem; his knitting needles were no longer used for knitting, they were for stabbing. When I asked him about it, Clive said simply: "They insulted my name."

Clive is a remarkable squid, and, in his way, a really great pet. But a word of advice to anyone thinking of buying a giant squid:

• Think how much it will cost you.
• Think carefully before you name your squid.
• Never underestimate the size it will grow to; a small squid is like a small onion. It might look innocent...

In fact, the best advice I could possibly give you is this: DON'T BUY A GIANT SQUID. EVER.

More stories about Clive!
1)Anteaters
2) Tour de France
3) Delia/Portaloos
4) Budgerigars
5) Clive goes to the zoo
6) Familiar facts
7) Halloween
8) Silence..

10 facts about Clive

• Clive has a short temper, most likely caused by his very un-squidlike name.
• Clive has 7 limbs, all of them angry...While most squids have 8 arms and 2 tenticles, Clive has only 5 arms. (He lost a few in that incident with the explosives and the busful of old people that drove too close to the lake...)
• Clive's favourite snack is pickled chihuahuas, a food which he discovered by accident (like all good snack foods)
• Clive has a very high IQ, unfortunately I have never been able to get him tested; Clive does not believe in formal examinations.
• Clive runs a weekly focus group called the Dangerous Animals club. They meet wednesday evenings and just sit around discussing how their dangerousness makes them superior beings.
• Clive likes holidays. Over last Christmas, Clive went white-water rafting in Blackpool, and returned with a variety of stupid souvenirs.
• Clive is a genuine giant squid, and is 50 feet long. That's why I keep him in the garden pond, not in the house.
• Clive was once mistaken for an octopus. However, this didn't annoy him nearly as much as the time he was mistaken for Dale Winton.
• Clive owns a giant pair of shades, which were made especially for him by an expert spectacle maker (whom he threatened)
• Clive communicates using an etch-a-sketch board and a series of increasingly violent gestures.

Find out more about Giant Squids with these amazing links below:

More of my mad squid related rantings at the home of all things stupid.
Dancing squid. Who needs hamsters??
150 Giant Squid links; for those of you who actually want to LEARN something...
Hide ye back to the main page of this site :)