Clive's got the idea in his head that if he finds the right animal, and trains it correctly, he'll be able to do the same with multiple animals, until he's got enough for an army. This will, quite probably, allow him to take over the world (or at least those areas of the world he feels are worth taking over; he doesn't want to bother with the Isle Of Wight.)
The first animal he tried to train was the humble budgerigar (aka Parakeet). Clive planned to start relatively small, so he attempted to train a small flock of the colourful birds to fly into peoples houses and steal their jewellery. This wasn't altogether successful, tho; all that happened was they learned how to swear in unison, and offended a couple of old ladies. (I told Clive he should've gotten magpies, but well, you can't tell a 44.4 foot tall giant squid anything.)
While the offending incident amused Clive a little, the whole budgie training episode just wasn't as profitable as he'd hoped; in Clive's opinion, cursing is never an alternative to a mugging, and it looked likely that budgies could never cope with the stringencies of army life. So, just for a laugh, and because he could, he fed his budgie-clan some coffee grounds. When he was sure it had taken effect, Clive took the caffeinated birds, and paid a visit to the local church. He set the hyper-parakeets free in the middle of a christening, resulting in two unfortunate siblings being forever burdened with the names Get-the-bloody-hell-away-from-me, and Jesus-It's-On-My-Face Johnson. (The vicar was also severely chastised for his blasphemy.)
Nobody knows what happened to the budgies; they were last seen heading across the channel to France, and they could, perhaps, be anywhere now... mesuspects the amount of caffeine Clive gave those birds could fuel a journey to the moon and back... so be on the lookout, and if you see a suspicious looking bunch of birds, do not approach them. At all.
I fear that in my week away from home, Clive will bring home some kind of wild animal; he was watching with interest a documentary all about Siberian Tigers, and even making notes on his Etch-A-Sketch. This is a very disturbing concept; if Clive can do such damage with a few humble budgies, then imagine what he could do with a vicious gaggle of wildcats... Back to main Clive page...
