A few familiar facts...

I'm a little worried about Clive. The giant squiddly fella has been relatively quiet recently...

He's been that way ever since the most recent hostage incident, which I detailed previously. Clive has been involved in a total of 17 hostage taking incidents now, and his criminal record would stretch to the moon and back if it were laid end to end. (And had been properly recorded...)

Considering the carnage Clive causes during his more active periods, you'd think I'd be glad of his little break. But the downside is that it means I don't have anything of any real interest to write about in here. (Ha, like I ever do...)

Clive's out at the moment, I think he's down the new pub, which happens to be called "The Squid and Thistle", and is actually the darkest corner of a nearby allotment; I eavesdropped on a conversation between Clive and his friends where they discussed whether watering old Norm's pumpkins with vodka would transform them into giant pumpkins in time for Halloween. Opinion was divided, but apparantly they're going to give it a try tonight, so I shall keep you informed of any developments in the next few weeks.

In the meantime, here's a few "interesting" facts about Clive the Squid that you may, or may not be aware of...

• Clive's favourite food is chihuahua. He has invented several methods of preparing the dogs for eating; fried chihuahua, boiled chihuahua, chihuahua flambee (burnt to a crisp) chihuahua sushi (raw) and his favourite snack food of all time, pickled doggy pops. (Clive's recipe book will be out in time for Christmas. He wishes to stress the fact that purchase of said book is mandatory...)
• Clive (unsurprisingly) has friends in prison, who he likes to visit from time to time. Visiting isn't allowed in this particular prison, but that doesn't stop Clive; squids are very flexible, and prison officers not necessarily that observant, so Clive finds it easy enough to enter the prison, have a few games of pool or cards with his mates, do a couple of tattoos, then be out of the prison before anyone notices. (Clive is probably the only person who's ever broken into a prison...)
• Despite his dislike for the monarchy, Clive celebrated the queen's jubilee this summer; after seeing Brian May's memorable guitary rooftop performance of the national anthem on that terrible jubilee concert thing, Clive was up on the roof at 5am every day for the next fortnight playing the national anthem on his instrument of choice; the dustbin lids. (The neighbours weren't happy...)_
• Clive once began a "chain postcard", which threatened whoever neglected to send the postcard on with a personal visit from Clive, where they would be dealt with in a manner befitting their crime against Clive. ("Failure to send postcard can result in a fine of the contents of your wallet, and a series of extreme papercuts...")
  It became the most successful chain ever, and would still be in circulation if the postmen hadn't kept eating them...

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Anyway, I must be off; by the sound of it, Clive's back from the "pub"... you know how most drunk people bring back traffic cones / bollards etc with them as a kind of magical souveneir of inebriation? Well, Clive goes one better than this, and brings back traffic wardens, before shutting them in the shed for the night.
It's a bugger to sort out; after all, it's not just like he can dump them in a skip the next day, or put them back before anyone notices... well, actually, he probably could... but I don't think the traffic wardens wouldn't like it much. And I wouldn't want to cause distress to such a nice bunch of people...

...saying that, I might leave him to it for now; it's not like it's that cold in the shed... and there'll be plenty of gnomes to keep them company... :D

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