A picture of some nasty looking fire ants on a table.
There's been a great number of ants outside my house at present, despite the fact that they're not supposed to be there until at least mid-june (according to the charter of ants, section 3/ 242a)
They swarm there, like some antsy rabble, and have even began venturing into the house. (especially the mat by the front door, and the kitchen.)
One crawled onto my foot the other day. I was not happy. This young upstart was just pushing his luck way too much... so, I had him dealt with. (I now fear repercussions from his fellow ant-istic friends...)
The worst thing about ants, is that you can't kill them. They are indestructible. You can try and crush them, spray them with those insect death sprays with the ridiculous titles (typical title, Ant-away)or even burn them... nothing seems to work.
(I even tried talcum powder one year, which is supposed to be guaranteed to make them bugger off, posthaste. But all that happenned was a few of them complained of dry skin... you can't get ant moisturisers, you know.)
If ants were larger, they would take over the world. Being able to lift ten times their own body weight, and having the ability to make those interesting ant hill things, makes them very interesting insects indeed... I almost have an admiration for the little many-legged beggars...
This admiration, however, has its limitations; the small sods will get on your shoes (and if you let them, in your foodstuffs)... And they will barge their way into your house without your say so. (Even vampires need to be invited in!) All this, and the general air of antagonistic ignorance they carry with them cancels out any real admiration you may have for them.
I fear also that any day now, the crazy creatures will go mad with power (the foot thing may just have been a warning) and attempt to take over a larger part of my fine "dwelling". This would obviously be a terrible thing; when your house is full of ants, it doesn't really encourage people to visit.
(Just like "Welcome" mats don't really send out the desired message when there's a swarm of ants wandering around over the top...)
So, unless I am prepared to swap all of my old friends for entomologists, I have come to the conclusion that there is only one thing for it. We're going to have to call in "The Anteaters".
Reason for the "quotes", colourfulness, and use of the definite article? Well, "The Anteaters" work as a kind of mafia, who tour the world, staying in various pool tables as they go. They are very well travelled, and fairly famous, so it was only a matter of time before they met Clive, squid about town, on one of his own wanderings.
They got on like some ants on fire, and have been keeping in regular contact ever since.
Even though I don't particularly like the thought of my house being inhabited by a small squadron of irreverant Anteaters with attitude problems, it looks like I have no alternative; they are the only way to solve the long-term problem of those ant-squatters.
Clive has arranged for the 'eaters to arrive next week, when they will despense with the great ants in their singularly methodical and effective way.
The ants suspect nothing, and are still swarming about the floor in that self-satisfied arrogant way of theirs, with superior grins on their talcum-less faces, and safe in the knowledge that they are near indestructable...
See who's smiling soon, ants! You'll all pay for your illegal sure-footed swarming! Because "The Anteaters" have never been beaten yet, and say they never shall be, at least until ants become larger than people.
And there's no fear of this happenning, is there?
No.
Those ant creatures might be able to carry heavy things, and they might live in large (threatening) groups all around the world, and as much as I admire them for their cheek, this is all outweighed by the fact that I'd rather not have them in my house. (I'm afraid it's simply that old thing of "not in my backyard"...)
The ants have to go... and their days, at least around my house, are sadly numbered. (That'll teach 'em for not sticking to the terms and conditions in the charter of ants...)
Some links to a small number of vaguely ant-related sites
Bugstamps.com~ A website featuring insect related postage stamps.
You can never have too many gloves, shoes, and bug stamps. ¬
A gallery of insect photos
By a photographer who specialises in the photography of insects. Hm.
Insect chat room!!
A chat room which lets you talk about insects, with other insect-crazed insect fans... you know you want to.
