LEMONS. Worst fruit EVER

Why's that lemon smiling? Suspicious behaviour for a citrus fruit, methinks...

Ever wonder what the point is in lemons? Or is it just that I spend my time worrying about insignificant stuff? Hmm.

"Seriously", though, lemons are useful on just one day. That day is known as pancake day, a day which brightens up the evil February month considerably (just 28 days of stupid coldness... grrr!) The rest of the year, lemons are good for nothing. Except occasionally lemonade...

Why? I'll tell you why...

• You can't eat them without sugar. And lots of it.
• They always squirt in your eye, as do grapefruits (another disgraceful fruit)
• They feature in many dishes, but apparantly add nothing to the flavour.
• Jif lemon is just pointless; lemon juice squeezed out and re-packaged into a fake plastic lemon? Oh please!

The Lemon Pixie

However useless they may be in "real" life, there exist some interesting stories and theories about lemons. One of these is the little seen "lemon pixie", a result of a very unholy union between a fairie and a fruit.

Legend has it that the lemon pixie exists somewhere on another world, in a place they call "PixieLemonWorld". (Well nobody ever accused lemon pixies of having much imagination...)

"Well, I was coming home from me local pub, can't quite remember whether I was with anyone, or she'd just got her coat and taken off... anyway, it was dark! But the thing was, you see, a lorry went by just as I was helping them over the kerb. And wouldn't you know, a pixie appeared out of his right nostril... was rolling in the gutter by then, but there you are... or was it a lemon? I don't know. But the important thing is that it sang. Westlife. And that made me logy."

Undeniable evidence, I think you'll agree, that the lemon pixie does exist, and is up to no good.

The Story of the Chinese Lemon

This fascinating story was told to me by a very wise and powerful person, Mervin the Magician, master of the Merrrrrr (who happens to be female) and is a fascinating tale of the thoughtlessness of lemons and people.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful lemon. He lived in China and he was the most beautiful lemon in all the land. His skin was bright yellow and he was juicy and ripe. He had lovely dark chinese eyes and long eyelashes. All the best chinese chefs wanted to use him in their cooking but because there were so many people wanting to use him he didn't know who to choose (of course the lemon got a choice in the matter).

One day, namely Monday 29th September, the lemon had a fabulous plan. he decided to have a competition of the cooking variety and whoever made the best kung-fu-ying-choo-chop-chan (a very popular stir fry at the time) would be allowed to use the lemon as they wished. so the lemon phoned the emporer of China and asked him to organise the competition.

Soon chefs began to flock to the lemon's home town and on the morning of the competition over 526 people turned up. By 11.18am the air was filled with the delicious smell of kung-fu-ying-choo-chop-chan. Soon, after a bit of flash frying, the Emporer of China came up to the lemon and told him that it was time to start the competition. It was at this unfortunate moment that the lemon realised that he didn't have a mouth. He realised that he would have to smell the kung-fu-ying-choo-chop-chan to judge it. so he did. all the kung-fu-ying-choo-chop-chans smelt ravising, but of course there could only be one winner. The lemon eventually chose Cho-Yong. Cho-Yong was a short man with a moustache, and he smiled to show white teeth as the emporer handed the lemon over as the prize.

The lemon was now very excited about the prospect of being cooked. Although very beautiful, the lemon was rather stupid and he didn't realise that being chopped up would hurt.

As Cho-Yong lowered a huge knife the lemon felt a huge burst of pride, which was suddenly replaced by a huge burst of pain as the knife slit his skin. Cho-Yong worked quickly and soon the lemon was lying in small pieces on a chopping board. The lemon looked around at all the smiling faces of the people watching. This was his last sight before Cho-Yong cooked him... to death

The moral of this story is not to eat lemons. They have feelings too you know.

THE END

Proof not only of the existance of intelligent Chinese lemons, but also that there are people out there who are just as crazy as me ;)

I find some comfort in that thought, but not much...