A Strange Old Lady
 

A very weird thing has happened.
A strange old lady has moved into my house.
 I have no idea who she is,
where she came from, or how she got in.

I certainly didn't invite her.  All I know
is that one day she wasn't there,
and the next day she was.

She's very clever. She manages to
keep  out of sight for the most part;
but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a
glimpse of her there;  and when
I look into a mirror directly to
check my appearance, suddenly
she's hogging  the whole thing,
completely obliterating  my gorgeous
face and body. It's very disconcerting.

I've tried screaming at her to leave
but she just screams back, grimacing horribly.
  She's really rather frightening.
If she's going to hang around, the
least she could do is offer to pay rent.
But no!  Every once in a while
I do find a couple  of dollar bills
on the kitchen counter, or some
loose change on my bureau  or on
the floor, but that certainly isn't enough.
In fact, though I don't like to jump
to conclusions,  I think she steals
money from me regularly.

I go to the ATM and withdraw
a hundred dollars, and a few days
later, it's gone.  I certainly don't go
through it that fast,  so I can only
conclude that the old lady pilfers it.
You'd think she's spend some of it
on wrinkle cream. God knows,
she needs it.  And, the money isn't
the only thing she's taking.

Food seems to disappear
at an alarming rate.  Especially
the good stuff, ice cream, cookies, candy.
I just can't keep them in the house.
She really has a sweet tooth.
She should watch it; she's
really putting on the pounds.
I think she realizes that,
and to make herself feel better,
I know she is tampering with
my scale so I'll think that
I'm  gaining weight, too.

For an old lady, she's really quite childish.
She also gets into my closets
when I'm not home and alters all my clothes.
They're getting tighter every day.
Another thing: I wish she'd
stop messing with my files
and the papers on my desk.
I can't find a thing any more.
This is particularly
hard to deal with because
I'm extremely neat and organized;
but she manages to jumble
everything up so nothing
is where it's supposed to be.

Furthermore, when I program my
VCR to tape something important,
she fiddles with it after I leave the room so it
records the wrong channel or shuts off completely.
She finds innumerable, imaginative
ways to irritate me.
She gets to my newspapers, magazines
and mail before me  and blurs all the print;
and she's done something  sinister with the
volume controls on my TV, radio, and phone.
Now all I hear are mumbles and whispers.
She's also made my stairs steeper, my vacuum
cleaner heavier, all my knobs and faucets
hard to turn and my bed higher and a real challenge
to climb into and out of.
Furthermore, she gets to my groceries
as soon as I shelve them
and applies super glue to the tops of
every jar and bottle so they're
just about impossible to open.
Is this any way to repay my hospitality?

I don't even get any respite at night.
More than once her
snoring has awakened me.
I don't know why she can't
do something about that.
It's very unattractive.
As if all this isn't bad enough,
she is no longer confining
her malevolence to the house.
She's now found a way to sneak
into my car with me and follow me wherever I go.

I see her reflection in store windows as I pass,
and she's taken all the fun out
of clothes shopping because her
penchant for monopolizing mirrors
has extended to dressing rooms.
When I try something on, she dons an identical
outfit, which looks ridiculous on her and then
stands directly in front of me
so I can't see how great it looks on me.

I thought she couldn't get any meaner
than that, but yesterday she proved me wrong.
She had the nerve to come with me when I went
to have some passport pictures taken,
and she actually stepped in
front of the camera just as the shutter clicked.
Disaster! I have never seen such a terrible picture.
How can I go abroad now?
No customs official is ever
going to believe that old crone
scowling from my passport is  me.

She's walking on very thin ice.
If she keeps this up, I swear, I'll put her in a home.
On second thought, I shouldn't be too hasty.
First, I think I'll check with the IRS and see
if I can claim her as a dependent.

Author Unknown

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