Copyright 2001 Fine Wit Fo Productions All rights reserved PILLSBURY PARK BY KIAH PIERSON EXT. IN FRONT OF OLD CREEPY HOUSE-DAY We see three small six year old kids, JASON, BRODIE, and DOMINIC, approaching the front door, apprehensively. They are talking excitedly. JASON Duuude,there is something seriously wrong with this place. BRODIE Totally, dude. DOMINIC Quit being a pair of little bitches. JASON You said a bad word! DOMINIC Shut the fuck up. BRODIE C'mon, man, you've been "ding-dong- ditch"ing this guy's house everyday for the last two weeks! He's probably gettin' pissed! JASON Yeah, what if he's caught on to your little prank and is, at this very moment, lying in wait, prepared to ambush our unsuspecting selves? DOMINIC You are such a retard. DOMINIC goes up to the front door, presses the doorbell, and runs away. Immediately, the door bursts open, and an OLD BLIND MAN storms out, holding a rifle. OLD BLIND MAN Goddamn you kids, it's high time I learned ya a lesson! OLD BLIND MAN shoots, hitting a fleeing JASON in the knee as he scampers away. INT. BRODIE'S HOUSE, 11 YEARS LATER Brodie is running around frantically, getting ready for school in an extremely rushed manner. In the background, we hear his MOTHER yelling at him about sleeping in. Brodie grabs a camera off a shelf while he's running around. He runs around some more, grabbing his backpack and a Pop Tart before going up to a door marked 'BATHROOM'. He walks in, and half closes the door behind him. We see a bright flash as he takes a picture. He then runs out of the house, his mom yelling after him. MOTHER You little shit! What the Hell's wrong with you, taking a picture of your own mother while she's in the shower?! BRODIE Sorry, Ma, but I gotta sell the picture this afternoon on the internet to afford that new DVD player I want! MOTHER If you don't come back here, I swear to God I'll-- INT. SCHOOL BUS DRIVING ON A HIGHWAY-MORNING ANN, the bus driver, is screeching at the top of her lungs in a British accent, trying to settle the unruly KIDS down. ANN Sit your asses back down in the God damned seats, you bloody bastards, or I'll come back there and snap your scrawny necks like twigs! KID #1 Fuck you! KID #2 Yeah, fuck you! You blow goats! KID #3 Go back to Scotland, you limey whore! KID #1 I gonna fuckin' kill you, and rape your husband! After the last remark, the whole bus goes dead silent. KID #1 Right? Right? KID #3 Hey, you European slut, turn on some music! ANN Sod off, you stupid wankers! I'm tryin' to drive here! KID #2 Turn on some Billy Idol! KID #1 Yeah, turn on some Idol! KID #3 We wanna hear some fuckin' Idol back here, you moron! ANN Alright, alright, have your bloody Idol, just shut up so I can concentrate on the road! ANN turns on the radio, and "Dancing with Myself" starts to play. All the kids on the bus sing along merrily, in unison, until ANN shoots herself. The bus veers off the road, and into a ditch, where it explodes. CUT TO THE INT. OF BRODIE'S CHEVY NOVA Inside the car are BRODIE, BRIAN, and RONNIE. They are smoking so much that the smoke is leaving a trail behind the car from the half open windows. BRODIE Did you guys just see an explosion? KEVIN Hey, play this. BRIAN What is it? KEVIN Tribe Called Quest. BRIAN Oh, all right then. ROLL OPENING CREDITS, CUT TO EXT. IN SCHOOL PARKING LOT BRODIE, BRIAN, and RONNIE all step out of the car and close the doors. BRIAN and RONNIE light up cigarettes. The three begin walking towards the ALLEY. BRIAN You goin' to the Alley? KEVIN Yeh. BRODIE Hey, can one o' youse two bum me a smoke? KEVIN Nah. BRIAN Uh-uh. BRODIE What? I bum to you guys all the time! KEVIN And we pay you back. BRODIE So why can't I get one off you now? BRIAN Dude, he's only got two left, and I bummed this one here off him already. KEVIN Yeah. They enter the ALLEY, where MATT and PAUL are standing, talking. PAUL Sup? BRIAN Nothin'. BRODIE Hey man, either one of you got an extra smoke? MATT Dude, last one. PAUL Me too. BRODIE Damnit! BRIAN So Kevin, what's with you and what's her nuts? KEVIN Julie? Oh, as usual, I'm gettin' tired of her constant yappin' in my ear. PAUL Dude, I've never heard her say anything. KEVIN And ain't that the bitch of the whole thing? When you guys are around, she's muter than Marcel Marceau! I get her all by our little lonesome, and she's a constant buzz in my ear. PAUL Who's Marcel Marceau? BRODIE I don't know, dude, bum me a smoke. BRIAN Will you fuckin' drop it, already? BRODIE C'mon, man, gimme a couple drags at least. MATT Man, you've got a problem. You're addicted to this shit. MATT lights up a new cigarette with his old one. BRODIE What the FUCK, man! MATT What? BRODIE You said that was your last one! MATT Well, what I meant was that this one is-- PAUL Oh, shit, it's Officer Beck! OFFICER BECK enters the ALLEY. He's a real fat ass, and his face is horribly broken out. He and his badge are a joke to the law enforcement community. The group fears him anyways, and everyone hastily disposes of their cigarettes. BRIAN, perhaps too hastily, just stuffs it in his pocket. OFFICER BECK Is it just me, or did I just see a bunch of minors smoking tobacco products? PAUL You are such a tool. OFFICER BECK What was that, Mr. Alderhook? PAUL Um, you so rule? OFFICER BECK Brian, you weren't smoking, were you? Last I checked, you were only seventeen. BRIAN Uh, don't have the foggiest idea what you mean. OFFICER BECK Oh but you do. Am I seeing things, or are your pockets smoking? BRIAN looks down and realizes his cigarette is smoldering in his jeans, and there is indeed smoke coming from his burning pockets. He pulls the butt out and throws it to the ground, then drops to the ground himself, as he starts groveling at OFFICER BECK's feet. BRIAN Oh please, I'll never smoke again, I promise! Don't tell my mom or nobody, please! It could be our little secret! I'll do anything, man, anything. Maybe we can go somewhere private and work something out, hint hint... OFFICER BECK Hmmmmmmm... BRIAN Here, I'll quit smoking! See? BRIAN pulls out a near full pack of cigarettes and proceeds to crush it vigorously. BRIAN How about that, sir? OFFICER BECK Come on, let's go behind the law building... BRIAN Thank you... wait, what? No, wait, I changed my mind! Leave me and my orifices alone, you creep! OFFICER BECK drags BRIAN out of the ALLEY. BRODIE A whole damn pack, did you see that shit! MATT Oh, dude, that was close. RONNIE, MATT, and PAUL all pull out packs of cigarettes, and each lights up a new one. BRODIE just gawks in astonishment. INT. OF SCHOOL BUILDING-Brodie'S CLASSROOM Most of the student's have their heads down, asleep. The TEACHER is up front, taking roll. TEACHER Edwards, Banky... wait, what smells like shoe polish? BRODIE Oh, my bad, my pen broke so I needed to use shoe polish to make a sign for today's pep rally. See? Brodie holds up a sign that says "Dry fuck me in the ass, Der Furher!" TEACHER Give me that. I thought we were done with this sign business after the last one that said, "I love quivering pink pussy lips"? BRODIE But this one's for the principal, not you. TEACHER I don't care... BRODIE Fuck! TEACHER Now today's the last day of school, so your oral reports are due today. First up will be uh... well, how about you, Brodie? BRODIE God damnit! Brodie grabs paper out of backpack, and walks up to front of the room. BRODIE Well, the topic was "If I Was Famous...", so here we go. "If I was famous, these are the things I might be addicted to: crack, heroin, booze, cocaine, sex, chocolate, killing hitchhikers, stepping on babies, television, work, yellow paper, naked mobsters, Persian rugs, fast cars, turtles, cabbages, human blood, the letter 'q', sleeping and or dieting pills, the fur coats of baby seals, gambling, and quite possibly the omnipotent power of "The Cosmos Force." TEACHER "Cosmos Force?" BRODIE Damn straight. TEACHER Okay, people, let me take this moment to remind you that before you come up here and try to bullshit your way through this on the spot, these decide whether you pass the class or not, 'kay? Next up is Holly Biggane. BRODIE lights up a cigarette and walks back to his seat. He passes by a pretty girl named KATE's desk, and she looks at him warmly as he passes. He returns the warm look, and blushes slightly. As we look at the fool, the camera slowly closes in on his eyes. EXT. BRODIE'S FANTASY WORLD We are now in BRODIE's head. His fantasy world looks very much like the field of poppies in 'Wizard of Oz' only with more pinks and whites. "Strawberry Letter" is playing, and BRODIE is dancing to it. His dance is an silly one, both vaguely seductive and not at all professional looking. He dances his way towards a large flowery throne that lies in front of him, and sitting atop it is KATE. She's smiling with enjoyment to BRODIE's dance until a bell rings excruciatingly loudly. INT. SCHOOL-BRODIE'S CLASSROOM The camera is locked on a set of eyes, and zooms out slowly to show that they are KATE's, revealing that they share the same fantasy of each other. She snaps out of it, packs her shit, and shuffles out of the room like the rest of her classmates. INT. SEMI-BUSY HALLWAY BRIAN and DOMINIC enter the HALLWAY. DOMINIC So I says to Mabel, I says... oh shit, hold up man, I gotta go ask Vincent for today's geometry homework. BRIAN Why weren't you in class? DOMINIC I was boinkin' my history teacher in the bathroom. BRIAN Mr. Chuzstones? Eww, dude! DOMINIC Just hearing that name makes me harder than Superman's knees. DOMINIC crosses HALLWAY to VINCENT, who is digging around in his locker. DOMINIC Vincent! Hey, man, what was our assignment in math? VINCENT Leave me alone, let me wallow in my own abysmal crapulence in sweet solitude. DOMINIC Riiiiiight, that was odd. No, seriously, dude, let's have that assignment. VINCENT My whole world is a dark shroud. DOMINIC Dude, don't get all goth on me. VINCENT I am the falling petal of a black, twisted rose. DOMINIC What? VINCENT I'm a creature of the shadows, like an owl, or an ocelot. DOMINIC 'Kay, fuck you, you creepy son of a bitch. DOMINIC walks off and away, as VINCENT slowly pulls a rifle out of his locker. VINCENT I'll show them all. Especially Dominic, the Demon of Fire! INT. THE LUNCH ROOM. BRODIE is standing in the lunch line, JASON is behind him. BRODIE Uh, I'll have three donuts, and three milks. Thanks, lunch hag, you are a truly gifted hag. Gunshots are heard in the background, followed by screams. BRODIE and JASON leave. EXT. A PARKING LOT BY THE RIVER-DAY DOMINIC, JASON, BRODIE, RACIST BOY and KATE are all playing hackey sack and smoking. Music is playing from their small radio sitting behind the circle. KATE Where is everybody? DOMINIC Yeah, there's usually more people out here. RACIST BOY No shit, I bet those fuckin' jews are at it again in the locker rooms. BRODIE Jesus, Racist Boy, you need to shut the fuck up. RACIST BOY What? What do you care, ya mick? BRODIE Dude, racism ain't cool around me. I just don't like it. KATE Yeah, it just shows how ignorant you are. RACIST BOY Man, you've been talking to them spics in math again, huh? Jesus, you're worse than a nigger and a kyke combined. (beat) Jesus, is everyone? This place is deserted like Klan meeting after we all have sex with our cousins! JASON Someone opened fire in the lunchroom again. DOMINIC Man, this is absurd. I'm actually afraid of getting shot these days. KATE No one's going to shoot you, Dominic. They're going to poison you. JASON No, suicide! BRODIE No fuckin' way, man, I got fifty bucks on getting shot. But Squirt says it'll be a stabbing. He put a hundred on it too, so I wonder... RACIST BOY No way, you nigger, he's gonna be the victim of a hate-crime. Fuckin' grease ball I-talian. DOMINIC What am I hearing here? Is there actually a pool on the method of my death? JASON Uhhh, no? DOMINIC Fuckin' A! KATE Brodie, can you put something else in? This song sucks. BRODIE Sure. Brodie goes to go change music. DOMINIC So, Kate, you know, Brian really likes you. KATE Huh? DOMINIC Oh yeah, he's had the hots for you for years. KATE So? DOMINIC So why don't you have some sex with him, what're you a lesbian? KATE You are such an idiot. BRODIE returns BRODIE Dude, leave her alone. JASON What'd ya put in? BRODIE The soundtrack from the Muppet Movie. DOMINIC Aw man? Why do you insist on listening to Muppet medleys all the time? BRODIE Hey pal. Cool it, or I'll kill you. JASON No! You have to let him kill himself! I got my paycheck riding on this, man. DOMINIC Man, fuck you guys, I'm going back to class. INT. GYM LOCKER ROOM. SQUIRT walks over to his locker and opens it. He looks around in it, annoyed, then irritated, then downright pissed. He angrily slams the locker shut. SQUIRT Fuck! INT. FRONT ENTRY WAY OF SCHOOL. BRODIE, AMY, NILE, and KELLY standing around talking. AMY And then I was like, "Hey, fuck you!" And he was all, "Oh yeah?" And then he kicked me in my shins. That's when Kelly here represented on him. BRODIE Way to go, biggie! INT. HALLWAY Bell rings, HALLWAY fills up with kids. EXT. FRONT STEPS OF SCHOOL. Kids pour out the front doors, obviously excited about the end of the school year. Among them are BRODIE, JASON, and DOMINIC. They start heading to PILLSBURY PARK. The shot is continuous from the doors to PILLS. DOMINIC Holy fucking God, I thought this day would never end. (turns around to the school and yells) Freedom, motherfuckers! Freedom! You may take our lives, but you'll never take our freedom!! BRODIE Dude, shut the fuck up. DOMINIC What? BRODIE Man, people look down on foul-mouthed little shits like you. And the people you associate with, and oh look! I'm standing right next to you. DOMINIC What the fuck are you god damn talking piss shit about? BRODIE Only idiots with limited vocabularies need to use that filthy language. It's like a crutch when they can't think of a better word. DOMINIC Dude, I think you're thinking really... weirdly and are all convoluted or-- shit! Which is to say that your muddled head hole might insinuate a lack of-- Fuck! Fuck all that shit, man. Hey, I got an idea! Let's not even go to Pills today. JASON What are you babbling about? DOMINIC Man, I heard that "Jumping" JoJo Ludwig is scrapping with Richard "Fists of Fury" Fastner today after school. Let's go watch a fucking fight! BRODIE Eh? JASON Nah. DOMINIC What? JASON Dude, violence is the truest form of weakness. Don't play into that shit. DOMINIC What is this, Day of the moral crusaders? Have you both gone insane? There ain't nothing like the sudden adrenaline rush of senseless violence. JASON Man, a good mosh pit is cool enough, but unsubstantiated violence in general is ridiculous. I cite the movie Hell that was Mortal Kombat 2. DOMINIC But Home Alone ruled. JASON Touche. BRODIE Jesus Christ, man, why you always gotta bring up old ass Macauley Culkin movies? DOMINIC The kid's a genius as far as I'm concerned. BRODIE He's not a kid! He freakin married! DOMINIC He'll always be a kid in my book. JASON But your book is Baby Kermit's Christmas. JASON reaches into DOMINIC's backpack and pulls out a copy of Baby Kermit's Christmas. DOMINIC snatches it back. DOMINIC Fuck you. Fuck you, ya know? Your lives consist of pot, booze, some occasional pussy... I mean, how much can you know about yourself if you've never been in a fight? JASON I used to fight... once. BRODIE And he used to get his ass kicked... often. JASON Man, fuck you. For no good reason, other than that I want a giant chicken in this flick, a giant chicken now runs noisily across the street in the background. Our characters don't seem to notice. DOMINIC Hey, Mahatma, you can preach and preach and preach, but I still think you're a fuckin' pussy. I'm going to see this fight, man. DOMINIC runs off. JASON Hey, man, I need a ride to work. BRODIE Oh shit, here comes Quentin! Run! JASON and BRODIE run down the street and duck into a nearby alley. The focus shifts to QUENTIN, who is walking down the sidewalk, and is in a constant state of destruction. Anything he sees, he breaks; anyone he sees, he attacks;he pulls weapons out of seemingly nowhere and uses them without a second thought of what or who he's harming. Human Tornado is the title that really suits him. He passes the alley JASON and BRODIE are hiding in, stops, goes back and finds them. QUENTIN Hey, ya cocksuckers, what's up? BRODIE Uh, just havin' a smoke. QUENTIN Yeah, I was just walkin' back to my car. JASON You have a car? QUENTIN Yeh, why? JASON Hey, man, you should give me a ride to work. BRODIE NO! JASON What? QUENTIN Yeh, what the fuck, man? BRODIE Dude, you're like the worst driver ever. JASON He's got a license, how bad could he be? BRODIE Hey, Quentin, 'member that time at K- Mart? QUENTIN Oh yeah man, 'cause 'member I was whippin' cookies all over their parking lot. I left more skid marks on that asphalt, than there are in your underwear drawer. BRODIE Wait, wait, wait... "whipping cookies?" QUENTIN Yeah, man, 'member? BRODIE It's not whipping cookies, dude. It's called "doin' donuts." QUENTIN What? BRODIE When you spin your car around, it's called doing donuts. QUENTIN What the fuck are ya talkin' about? (to JASON) Hey, ain't it called whippin' a cookie? JASON Doin' donuts. QUENTIN Man, fuck you and your semantics. Cookies, donuts... they both come from a bakery! BRODIE Just admit it man. You... are... wrong. QUENTIN punches BRODIE in the face, knocking him to the sidewalk. QUENTIN Never! QUENTIN runs off in tears. JASON Dude, you alright? BRODIE Yeah, God damnit, i'm fine! JASON Hey, ass hole, take it easy. Want a Starburst? BRODIE Let's just go to Pills. JASON I got work, man. BRODIE You want that ride? My car's at Pills. JASON Fuck! EXT. CAR DRIVING WILDLY AROUND IN STREETS The car is careening around corners, hitting people, rolling, spinning, getting airborne, etc. INT. OF THE CAR Inside, MARK is sitting in the backseat, JASON is sitting in the passenger seat, BRODIE is driving. MARK Fuck, man, you just whipped a cookie in that intersection! BRODIE Doing a donut. MARK Fuck you and your semantics! BRODIE Holy shit, did you see the look on that nun's face? JASON Yeah, yeah, yeah... can't you go any faster? MARK What the fuck? BRODIE What the fuck do you mean? JASON Well no offense man, but you drive slower than my grandmother! 'Course she was on the run from the cops for beating an eight year old to death for called her a dyke, but that's besides the point. Now hurry the fuck up, I don't wanna be late! MARK You crazy bastard! BRODIE Oh, fuck! MARK What? BRODIE The needle on the speedometer just broke! MARK Holy shit, man! EXT. PILLS PILLS is a small park with two benches, some dirt, some grass and some trees. There is a small podium standing in front of a large yellow wastebasket. The podium has a small plaque on it that say 'Pillsbury Park' on it. SQUIRT, BEN, RACIST BOY, BRIAN, and DOMINIC are all sitting around as DAN enters. SQUIRT Hey, man, you ever wonder why any rational human being would knowingly inhale smoke into their vital organs? BRIAN Nope. I do it to fit in. SQUIRT Ah, but you'll notice I said rational human being. RACIST BOY Yeah, Brian, you're about as rational as a chink getting fucked by some injun. SQUIRT Man, Racist Boy, you are one racist mother fucker. BRIAN I'm plenty fucking rational! SQUIRT Dude, you bobbed for apples in a washtub full of gasoline. BRIAN Why you always gotta bring up the past? SQUIRT Ten minutes ago? QUENTIN Whatcha talkin' about, ya wannabe ass- licking dog-fuckers? BRIAN We were just discussing why your mother insists on trying to slip her finger into the asshole of whomever she's fucking that session. BEN Yeah, I wouldn't mind it so much if she'd take that sharp-ass wedding ring off. SQUIRT You wouldn't? BEN Nope. BRODIE walks in and sits down with the group. BRODIE Sup? RACIST BOY Not much, you Jap lovin' faggot. QUENTIN Hey, you give Jason a ride? BRODIE Yup. BEN Where's your car, then? I need a ride to the store. BRODIE Oh, it's wrapped around a telephone pole somewheres. BRIAN Holy fuck, you wrecked the Nova? BRODIE And Mark too. He's in the hospital. I think he's in a coma. SQUIRT Wait, what'd you just say? BRODIE Mark, man. He's in the hospital. SQUIRT Fuck! BRODIE What? SQUIRT Mark was throwin' a party tonight. BRODIE You gotta be shitting me. SQUIRT No, I am not shitting you. BRODIE Fuck, I was in the mood for an "End of school year party", too. QUENTIN So, uh, is Jason okay? BRODIE Huh? Oh yeah, he's fine. He's at work at Hardee's. EXT. FRONT OF HARDEE'S. JASON walks out front door and heads around back, lighting up a cigarette as he passes an old man sitting against the wall. This old man is WALLY, a vet. JASON Hey, WALLY, how's it going? Still homeless? WALLY Eh, fuck ya, ya shit eating whore, ya. Gimme a God damned cigarette, ya employed-ass motherfucker. JASON Ha ha! WALLY, you crazy old cock smoker, here ya go. WALLY Now go away, yer bringin' the average prettiness level of this whole damn town down to the lowest levels it's seen since yer grandmaw were still alive. JASON Yeah, well, next time I see you, I'll put your snaggle-toothed head through a plate glass window. WALLY See ya. JASON See ya. A YOUNG LADY walks by. WALLY Excuse me, Miss, but could you spare some change for a Vietnam vet who's down on his luck? YOUNG LADY Eat a dick and die, you lazy bitch. INT. KATE'S ROOM KATE is painting, while AMY, her sister, is laying on the bed, reading. KATE So, tell me something about Brodie. I mean I know him and all, but not as well as you do. AMY Why so curious? Do you loooove him? KATE NO! AMY Then why do you ask? KATE Because he... intrigues me. AMY Intrigues as in loooove? KATE Damnit, if you don't quit with that... AMY Calm down already. Jesus, if you keep up this much stress, you'll have a heart attack by the time you're twenty. KATE Are you gonna tell me anything about Brodie or not? AMY Fine, if you must pry... Brodie is funny, kinda good looking if you're into dorks, single. Veeery single. Pathetically single. Nile seems to have some sort of unspoken crush on him, and... oh yeah, he once stuck a sock between two mattresses and fucked it. KATE Gee, thanks for that last little tidbit. AMY Not a prob, you're welcome. Cell phone on the desk rings. KATE picks it up. KATE Hello?... Maybe... I dunno... Wait a minute, will Brodie be there?... pick you up in ten minutes. Bye. AMY Obsessive, much? KATE Shut up, Amy. AMY I love you, too, sis. EXT. PILLS SQUIRT, BEN, BRIAN, DAN, BRODIE and DOMINIC are sitting around, talking. BRODIE I dunno, I like her and all, but how do I know she likes me back? QUENTIN Dude, you are such a bitch. "Oh man, does she like me? I dunno, I sure do hope so!" Chick's a chick, man, forget her. BEN Man, don't you have a job? QUENTIN What? BEN Do you... have a job? QUENTIN 'Course I do, I work at the video store. BRIAN Which one? QUENTIN Stinky Pinky's Super Sperm Drinky. BEN The gay porn place? QUENTIN Shaddap, a job's a job. DOMINIC Then fuckin' go and do it, and make some of that money you owe me. QUENTIN Bitch, I don't owe you a dime. BRIAN Wait, are you guys talking about the bet? DOMINIC Yeh. BRODIE What bet? SQUIRT Weren't you there? Oh yeah, you were in the hospital for that surgery that week. Dude, it was funny as Hell. Check this out: Quentin and Dominic make a bet about whose got the bigger dick, right? And instead of being a man about it, and just whipping it out, Quentin decides he won't show it to Dominic personally. He thinks it'll make him seem gay, or some shit. QUENTIN I'm not gay! BRIAN You work in a gay porno store. QUENTIN Shut up! SQUIRT Anyways, they figure they're each going to screw some dumb broad, and then ask her whose thing was longest. The lengths the girl told them would decide the winner, and the winner would get the money. Um, thirty-seven dollars was the prize, I believe. QUENTIN Yeah, thirty-seven. SQUIRT So Quentin and Dominic both hook up with Stacey. BRODIE Eww, the Jesus freak with the nose growth? SQUIRT The same. After both manage to score with this incredibly slutty girl, they bring her here to Pills, where she retells the story of her 'dates'... CUT to PILLS, only this is a flashback. STACEY is sitting on a park bench, retelling the stories. QUENTIN and DOMINIC are standing on either side of her. SQUIRT, BRIAN, and BEN are there too. STACEY Well, Dominic was okay, I guess, except that when he came, he started yelling out "Mother! Mother! Mother!" and then started weeping like a child. All in all, I'd say he's a healthy seven inches. Quentin, on the other hand, was an insensitive, crude jerk. He even took me to his truck. SQUIRT The one that sits on the cinder blocks, 'cause he's too poor to buy new tires? STACEY That's the one. He asks me if I've ever had anal sex. I'm all, "No..." so he says... EXT. BACK OF QUENTIN'S SHITTY TRUCK QUENTIN and STACEY are making out on top of one another in the back. QUENTIN So, do you want to have anal sex? STACEY NO! QUENTIN How about just plain ol' regular sex? STACEY Regular and plain are all you can promise a gal? QUENTIN What more do you want, I'm no Bruce Wayne! STACEY A virgin, huh? Follow my lead... QUENTIN Virgin? I'm no virgin! STACEY and QUENTIN start making out hardcore, and we CUT back to the first flashback, in PILLS with STACEY talking. STACEY So we have sex, and the whole time he goes on about every sexual encounter he's concocted in his sad little mind, trying to slip his thing in my ass when I started nodding off from boredom. I give him a four incher, at most. What a loser. CUT to the present. SQUIRT We laughed and laughed and laughed. Then he ran away before Dominic could collect. BRODIE You called out "Mother?" DAN She said five incher, you little shit. SQUIRT You still owe Dominic thirty-seven bucks, bro. QUENTIN I-I can't, I have to go to work at the porn store. Um, bye. DAN runs off. DOMINIC Come back here, you slippery shit! I want my money! KATE and CARLA enter the park. CARLA his holding a bottle of gin, and is clearly drunk. KATE Hey, guys CARLA Howzit goin' youse guys? BRODIE Um, hi guys. DOMINIC Man, I really need some bud, can either of you guys hook me up? KATE I don't smoke that shit, you know that. DOMINIC Carla? CARLA I'm bone dry, mi amigo y amigos. BEN Hey, lady, I got some, if you wanna go smoke behind thee trees with me. BRIAN Aw shit man, you had some o' that stuff, and you didn't even tell me? Careful when you light it or Jason will smell it. EXT. HARDEE'S WALLY is leaning against a wall as a TALL MAN walks by. WALLY Excuse me, sir, but can you spare some change for a hungry Vietnam vet? TALL MAN Fuck you, get a job! INT. HARDEE'S JASON is behind the counter taking orders from customers, when he freezes. He sniffs the air a few times. JASON Do you smell something? EXT. PILLS Everyone but KATE and BRODIE have gone behind the trees, where billows of smoke are wafting thought the branches. BRODIE Soooo... KATE Yeah. BRODIE So, uh, I was wondering if you wanted to... KATE Yeah? BRODIE Well to be quite blunt-- BEN (from off screen) Blunt? Brodie, gityer sissy ass back here to get a hit off this shit! BRODIE What is it? BEN It's that, uh, Manitoban shit that's been comin' in from Canadia. BRODIE Save me some o' that shit, man. KATE Brodie? BRODIE oh, uh, what? KATE Nevermind... Carla! C'mon, I gotta stop by Pondo. KATE storms off to her car. BRODIE Fuck, don't go... shit. Hey, Carla! CARLA What man? BRODIE Ask Kate not to leave, I gotta talk to her. CARLA Howzerbout I tell you to go fuck your self? Hmmm? BRODIE You're drunk. CARLA And you, sir, are ugly. But in the morning I shall be sober, so nyah. (to KATE) Hey, wait up, bitch! KATE (from off screen) Hurry! BRODIE Aw, Kate, don't-- KATE and CARLA peel out and screech away in their phat ride. BRODIE --go. TIMMY, a small tampon that can somehow both walk and talk, enters the park and walks up to Brodie, who's looking miserable. TIMMY Man, don't let it bother you. At least you don't have to run and hide in fear when it's that time of the month. BRODIE Huh? Who said that? TIMMY Down here, silly! BRODIE Oh, Timmy! What's up, bro? TIMMY Nothin' much, just thought I'd mosey on down to Pills to see what was up. BRODIE Not much goin' on, man. Some people are back behind the trees, smokin' weed, but other than that... TIMMY I watched that pathetic scene a minute ago, and man, let me tell you something: that girl loves you. Loves... you. What the Hell was that whole "save me some weed" bit about? Tryin' to look cool? BRODIE I dunno, I just thought-- TIMMY Dude, let me finish. You're different from the others. They put up these facades in order to get chicks, and it works. You, on the other hand, try to be yourself, and get zip. But at least you had integrity, kid! Then, just now, an unprecedented event: Kate likes you for who you are! She knows the real you, and that whole 'faux pothead' bit just turned her off, big time. For the first time ever, if you'd just be yourself, be natural, you may actually have yourself a girlfriend. BRODIE Hee hee, you're a funny lil tampon. TIMMY Talkin' to a wall here. BRODIE Hey, you guys, Timmy's out here, come say hello! SQUIRT, BRIAN, BEN, and DOMINIC all walk out from behind the trees. BRIAN and BEN go to their own bench, while the others head towards TIMMY and BRODIE. SQUIRT Hey yo, man, what the fuck is up? I haven't seen you since last month. DOMINIC Yeah, where've you been keeping yourself? TIMMY I was away on... business. BRODIE Dude, gross. TIMMY Hey, man, I'm a tampon! Accept it! DOMINIC Cool down, man, you gotta watch that blood pressure! SQUIRT Hells yeah, dude, calm down. DOMINIC I mean, jeez, you don't wanna get all worked up, then die of one of those heart attack things, like Kurt Cobain did. DOMINIC is immediately shot in the chest after that last statement. He collapses like a sack of wet shit, dead. His body remains there for the rest of the movie, a testament to the group's passivity and laziness. VINCENT (from off screen) Woe to the Demon of Fire! Let his women weep with grief, and let his followers seek retribution through masturbation! BRODIE Holy shit, I think he's dead! SQUIRT Eh, it's what he gets for that last comment. I guess God thought it was too stupid, so he struck him down. BRODIE With a rifle?! SQUIRT Awright, then! Maybe it was just a sniper, the point is he's dead. CUT to BRIAN and BEN on their bench, talking. BRIAN Dude, you shoulda been there! BEN Uh, where? BRIAN At Taco Bell, man! I went there last night, right, and I'm all eatin a burrito... BEN Right... BRIAN And I look over into the booth next to mine, and there's Jesus eatin' a chalupa! BEN Really? What'd you do? BRIAN The only thing I could do, man. INT. TACO BELL - NIGHT BRIAN is holding his burrito, staring over into the next booth. There is JESUS and ABE LINCOLN, talking and eating chalupas. BRIAN Psst! Jesus! Is that you, dude? JESUS Er, yes, it's me, Jesus. BRIAN Awesome! I knew it, man, this is so sweet! Scoot over bro! BRIAN invites himself into JESUS's booth, and nudges and shoves them over so he has room to sit by them. JESUS Oh! Well, oh my goodness, there's no need to be pushy! BRIAN Dude, this is so cool. Hey, you smoke? BRIAN pulls a joint out from behind his ear. ABE LINCOLN What is that? JESUS That is what is known as a 'joint', a rolled up marijuana cigarette. ABE LINCOLN Ohhh. BRIAN Uh, yeah dude, so are you in or out? JESUS I'll pass, thanks. ABE LINCOLN Let's have some this way, my boy. EXT. PILLS BRIAN and BEN on their bench. BEN Dude, Abraham Lincoln, too? BRIAN Yeah! BEN So then what happened? BRIAN Well, the history books never told us this, but ol' Honest Abe was a pot fiend. INT. TACO BELL ABE LINCOLN and BRIAN are both stoned, hardcore. A cloud of smoke looms over the trio's heads, and JESUS is obviously annoyed by the two's increasingly loud behavior. ABE LINCOLN So what you're saying is, even after I freed the darkies, they're still not totally free? Even in today's times? JESUS Um, they're not called 'darkies' anymore, Abe. BRIAN Right dude, the white man is still keepin' the brothas down. But one day, dude, the black nation is gonna rise up in unison and put down their honkey oppressors, and take back what is rightfully theirs! ABE LINCOLN Yeah! BRIAN Coz I still ain't seen my forty acres and a mule, and a farmer's daughter! JESUS Wait, "farmer's daughter"? ABE LINCOLN Right on! A TACO BELL EMPLOYEE GUY walks up to the rowdy bunch. EMPLOYEE GUY Excuse me, guys, you're going to have to calm down, or leave this establishment. ABE LINCOLN It's always the establishment keepin' a nigga down. JESUS Abe, please. (to EMPLOYEE GUY) Thank you, good idea, we were just leaving. EMPLOYEE GUY walks off. BRIAN All right, you guys, I gotta cut out, but I'll see you around. JESUS (under his breath) Not bloody likely... ABE LINCOLN For sure, man, we shall meet again. EXT. PILLS - DAY BRIAN and BEN, still on their bench. BEN Whoa... fuckin' A. BRIAN Fuckin' A is right. CUT to TIMMY, Brodie, and SQUIRT on the other bench. TIMMY So that's how I saved Who-ville, by reversing the Grinch's nasty disposition which was being caused by anal menstruation. Alright you guys, I gotta go. Some girl's having her first period today, and I can't be late for my first day on the job! BRODIE God almighty. Does she have pubes yet? SQUIRT Aw man, what is your problem? BRODIE What? EXT. HARDEE'S - DAY WALLY is lying down on the sidewalk, when a LITTLE BOY walks by. WALLY Hey there, little fella, spare some change for a Vietnam vet? LITTLE BOY Fuck you, you old shit head! INT. HARDEE'S JASON is working behind the counter, and is arguing with an unruly CUSTOMER. JASON No, ma'am, I cannot do that. CUSTOMER I want a hamburger milkshake! JASON We don't serve those here. CUSTOMER I want a God damned hamburger milkshake! KATE and CARLA enter the store, and file into line right behind the CUSTOMER. CUSTOMER I want it! JASON Calm down, lady, don't force my hand. CUSTOMER I WANT IT!! JASON I will go crazy monkey fighter on your ass, and it will NOT be a pleasant experience for you, or the other customers who would be watching! CUSTOMER AAAAAAH! JASON AAAAAAAH! CUSTOMER charges the counter than jumps over it. We don't see the battle, as it's taking place on the floor behind the counter, but it sounds like she and JASON battle viciously, until we hear a loud snap. JASON then stands up and resumes his post, victorious. JASON NEXT! KATE Can you believe they closed Pondo early today? My manager died in a YMCA pool. JASON Kate, can I help you? KATE Yeh, them chicken stars things. JASON (into mic) Chicken stars things! KATE Um, Jason? JASON Yeh? KATE You and Brodie are pretty close, right? I mean, you've been friends for thirteen years. He was there when you got your knee shot out, for cryin' out loud! JASON Yes, I remember that. KATE So I was wondering... JASON Oh, the suspense is killing me. Out with it. KATE Does he like me? I mean, does he really, really like me? JASON Actually, I think he's gay. CARLA I knew it! JASON But! Yes, he says he likes you. A lot. KATE Really? JASON Yes, it's like an episode of 'The Love Boat', he's crazy about you, now here's your food. NEXT! EXT. PILLS A hackey sack circle has formed, with BRODIE, SQUIRT, BRIAN, and BEN. SQUIRT So someone broke into my locker today. BEN Really? SQUIRT Yeh, he stole some money, my hairbrush... BEN Man, that's fucked up, ain't it Brodie? BRODIE Yeah man, yeah. Fucked up. SQUIRT Man, if I ever find that guy, I'ma kick his ass. BRIAN Hey, dude, my sister was in the locker room today. Yeah, she came home with a ten-spot and a comb. Think she mighta done it? SQUIRT She's fuckin' dead! BRODIE Wait, isn't your sister like eight years old? BRIAN Angela? Yep. SQUIRT Brodie, gimme a ride to Brian's house. Time to kick some Pre-school ass! BRODIE Do you happen to have the Jaws of Life with you, perhaps? SQUIRT Why? BRODIE Because my car's wrapped around a fucking telephone pole, stupid! SQUIRT whips out a Jaws of Life from behind him. SQUIRT Let's go. SQUIRT and BRODIE leave the park. BRIAN pulls a ten dollar bill out of his front pocket, sets it on fire, and light a cigarette with it. Then he pulls out a comb and brushes back his hair. BEN Man, that's fucked up. BRIAN Heh heh, I feel so bad for my sister. KATE and CARLA then enter the park. CARLA, who's absolutely shit-faced, approaches Brian. KATE Where's Brodie? BEN Left to go get his car. KATE Damnit! CARLA So, Brian, you wanna go to my place and screw each other's brains out? I give a mean blowjob. BRIAN Well guys, see ya around. BRIAN and CARLA leave. BEN So, Kate... How 'bout we take a cue from those two and... KATE Ugh. You smell like rancid herpes. BEN Damn, you can smell those? KATE Ugh! INT. A CAVE IN HELL LUCIFER, the devil, and two trolls are standing in front of a large monitor. They're watching a replay of Brodie and KATE sitting together from earlier. LUCIFER An unexpected and unfortunate turn of events. We have to speed things up, we've little time. TROLL #1 Yes, master. LUCIFER Prepare the Horsemen, our time draws nigh. TROLL #1 Yes, master. LUCIFER And take over for a little while. I'm going up to scout the terrian, and grab a bite to eat. TROLL #1 Yes, master. EXT. BRIAN'S FRONT YARD. BRODIE's car skids into the shot and up onto BRIAN's lawn, leaving skid marks in the soft grass. He and SQUIRT get out of the car. SQUIRT Go time, it's go time. BRODIE You may want to rethink this, dude. She's only eight, after all. SQUIRT She's old enough to steal, she's old enough to take the consequences. Gimme Louie. BRODIE tosses SQUIRT a baseball bat. SQUIRT Let's do this thing. The two walk up to the front door. SQUIRT rings the doorbell. ANGELA, a cute little girl, answers. She seems sweet enough, but when she sees the two at the door, she drops the facade. ANGELA What the fuck to you two retards want? We're out of Vaseline, you fuckin' faggots. SQUIRT immediately whacks her one on the forehead with the bat. She sails into the house. SQUIRT and BRODIE follow her in. Her body is limp against the wall, but she quickly regains her composure. She cocks her head to the side, popping her neck, as her eyes flash red. ANGELA Let's dance. An all out battle ensues, with both combatants taking hard hits. BRODIE stays out of it, but watches from the couch, nearby. Much of this fight parodies The Matrix, but a good portion is just brutal street fighting, with nearby objects being used as convenient weapons. After a while, ANGELA is knocked unconscious by a hard right from SQUIRT, and she falls for the last time. SQUIRT is barely standing. SQUIRT Hah! What now? Huh? What now? (spits on her body) Oh, man, I can't feel my left arm. Brodie, drive me to Pills. BRODIE Jesus, you look like shit, man. Are you sure you don't want me to take you to the hospital instead? SQUIRT And admit defeat? Never! Hey, bum me a smoke. BRODIE But-- SQUIRT Bum me a smoke! BRODIE Fine, here. SQUIRT lights up, and inhales deeply. Then he exhales slowly, calmed by the oh so soothing tobacco. SQUIRT Now let's go back to Pills, before I lose consciousness. Squirt walks out the front door. BRODIE At least put that bone that's jutting out of your elbow back in before you get in my car. SQUIRT (from off screen) Yeah, yeah. BRODIE I'm serious, now! EXT. HARDEE'S - DAY WALLY is sitting against the building wall, when a SYMPATHETIC VET walks by. WALLY Hey, brother, spare some change for a lonely Vietnam vet? SYMPATHETIC VET Here, brother, here's fifty bucks. Welcome home. WALLY weeps with absolute joy, not so much at the money, but the words. INT. HARDEE'S - DAY LUCIFER enters, and walks up to the counter, behind which is JASON. The store is otherwise empty. JASON Can I help ou? LUCIFER Chicken stars things JASON (into mic) Chicken stars things! LUCIFER And some water, too. JASON Okay, that comes to $14.50. LUCIFER That's highway robbery! JASON Cry me a river. LUCIFER You'll pay dearly for this! JASON No, you will. $14.50. LUCIFER Such arrogance! I demand satisfaction! JASON (holds up two fingers and begins to rub them together) Oh, you see this? It's the world's smallest violen, and it's playind the world's saddest song, just for the demons. LUCIFER Battle! JASON You don't want none o' this, mister. LUCIFER Battle! JASON Take it outside! EXT. PILLS KATE and BEN are sitting together on a bench. KATE Hey, do you know when JASON gets off? BEN Around the same time the girl he's doing gets off, I'd imagine. INT. HARDEE'S LUCIFER and JASON are wrestling each other in the manner of professional wrestlers. JASON seems to be winning as he gives a verbal play-by-play. JASON Flying elbow, off the top rope! Oh, right in the bread basket! Off the ropes, kick to the stomach... Stunner! The three count! 1... 2... oh, he kicks out in the nick of time! How did he do that Jim? I don't know Mean Gene! EXT. PILLS KATE and BEN, on the bench. KATE I meant, when does he get off work? BEN I knew what you meant the first time. INT. HARDEE'S JASON has LUCIFER in a "figure four leg-lock", when LUCIFER's hands burst into flame. JASON releases the hold and backs off. LUCIFER begins to wing fireballs at him. JASON Aww, what the fuck is this shit? Hey, man, this ain't fair! I don't got any fuckin' super powers! EXT. PILLS KATE is just staring in disbelief/disgust at BEN. BEN Will you quit gawkin' at me, what do you want? KATE Nothing, never-fucking-mind. INT. HARDEE'S JASON is doing poorly, just barely dodging the attacks, when suddenly, the whole place goes pitch black with darkness. A beam of light shines down and falls on JASON. His hands begin to glow with some sort of white energy, obviously holy in nature. He get's the idea, and starts shooting blasts of energy at LUCIFER. The two begin trading blasts. They fire wildly, and holes are punched through walls, and fires are being set. LUCIFER What the Hell?! JASON Aw yeah, mofucka, now it's time to die! JASON rears back his hands and charges up one final, powerful blast. He releases it, and it hits LUCIFER squarely in the chest. The impact is so great, it sends LUCIFER flying through the roof and into the stratosphere, and through a bunch of glowing clouds. This is obviously HEAVEN. LUCIFER I'm back?! Ha ha ha ha, I'm back! Hell yeah! A huge finger that could only belong to God, comes down from above him, a stamps LUCIFER back down through the clouds, through the stratosphere, though the roof, then through the floor and back into HELL. HARDEE's is a smoldering pile of rubble, with only JASON left standing amongst it all. WALLY, though, is alive in the backround, leaning against a pile of rocks, counting his cash. JASON pulls out his smokes, and lights one with his finger, using his "God power". JASON Man, fuck this job, I fuckin' quit. I'm going to Pills. WALLY 'Bout fucking time, you cock knocking slut boy! EXT. PILLS BRODIE and SQUIRT roll up in the car, and they get out. BEN What the Hell happenend to him? BRODIE Brian's little sister kicked his ass! SQUIRT You should see her, man, I won the damn fight. BRODIE Barely. KATE Brodie? BRODIE Oh, Kate, please, you gotta let me explain about earlier... KATE Follow me... She heads off behind the trees. BEN Let me know how she is, Mr. Marquis de Sade. BRODIE Dude, shut up. BRODIE and KATE both walk behind the trees. BEN So a girl did this? SQUIRT Shut up, you weren't even there. Bum me a smoke. BEN Here! Shit. Hey, what's with this cat? BRIAN enters the park and walks up to BEN and SQUIRT. He's doing a post-coital dance, not unlike the one Brodie does in 'Mallrats'. BRIAN Passionate, yeah... SQUIRT What? BRIAN CARLA and me? Oh yeah. BEN Where is she, man? BRIAN Passed out drunk in her garage. We did it on her dad's BMW. BEN Eww, you fucked a chick when she was unconscious? SQUIRT Shall I call you "Casper", Weapon Sex? BRIAN She wasn't knocked out during the sex! SQUIRT Suuuure she wasn't. BRIAN Least I don't think she was... EXT. BEHIND THE TREES KATE and BRODIE are sitting next to each other on a small curb. BRODIE Kate, we need to talk. KATE Aye, that we do, young padawan. BRODIE Obviously, there's a lot of sexual tension between us. KATE Obviously. BRODIE But I'd like to think there's more. Kate, I like you and... and if you like me, well, just don't dimiss that, and I don't want this to queer our relationship... Kate, do you wanna go out with-- KATE all but tackles him to the ground, as the two embrace passionately. INT. A CAVE IN HELL HELL slowly starts freezing over. the two trolls are tending to LUCIFER as this happens. TROLL #1 Hey. TROLL #2 Yes? TROLL #1 When the master awakens, don't tell him his plan to take over Earth before Brodie actually found another human being that was physically, emotionally, or spiritually attracted to him, thus freezing HELL over, failed. TROLL #2 Yes. EXT. PILLS - DUSK BEN, SQUIRT, BRIAN and JASON are all talking. DOMINIC's dead body is still just lying there. RACIST BOY enters the park and walks over. JASON And then the fucker starts shootin' fire at me! BEN No way. JASON Motherfucker, look at me! Way! SQUIRT Man, I think you got ahold of some of that brown stuff, and fucked yourself up, Ed Norton, Fight Club-style. JASON Man, fuck you. RACIST BOY What is up? Man. This town needs more fucking Jews. SQUIRT Why? I thought you were all discriminating and shit. RACIST BOY Well, if there were more Jews, there'd be more for me to discriminate against, Hitler style. JASON You are on sick fuck, Racist Boy. Why're you so racist? In fact, why is your name 'Racist Boy'? INT. HOSPITAL - EMERGENCY ROOM A woman is giving birth. She's in considerable pain, as would be expected. There's a lot of yelling and excitement from the doctors and the husband, who is standing by the soon to be mother. Suddenly a loud 'Hooray!' goes up from the group as the child is born. NEW MOM Oh look. He's so cute. Oh Tom, let's name him Gus. TOM Oh, that name's dumb. Wotta retard ya are, woman, fer even suggestin' that bullshit. Gus is a gas station attendant's name. Let's name him Gary. NEW MOM Tht's a faggot's name, Tom! I don't want a faggot for a son! TOM Fine, how about Tyrone? No, that's a nigger name. Um, how about Patrick? NEW MOM That's an Irish name, I'll have no mick names in my house, Tom. No spic, kyke, or gook names, neither. TOM Oh, baby, let's just name him Racist Boy. I love racists. It's why I fell in love with ya. NEW MOM Oh Tom, Racist boy it is. If you weren't my daddy, I'd marry you. EXT. PILLS Back to the present day. RACIST BOY I don't know why I'm so racist. I guess it's just one of those phenomenon that occur in nature every now and then. A freak accident. Like the queers. BRODIE and KATE come out from behind the trees with a pair of suspiciously shit-eating grins on their faces. BRIAN What's up, baby? KATE Not a God damned thing! BRODIE Hey, who wantsa bum me a smoke? RACIST BOY Me. BRODIE Go fuck yourself, Racist Boy. Who wants a smoke other than the idiot? BEN Here, man, I will. BRODIE Thanks, bro. JASON (to SQUIRT) Hey, you goin' to that concert, tomorrow? SQUIRT Who's playing? JASON Uh, the Nut Sacks, the Love Hats, and some other people too. SQUIRT Yeah, I might. JASON Cool. BRIAN Hey, who's up for a little hack? BRODIE Me. BEN Me. SQUIRT Me. JASON Me. KATE And me too. BRIAN pulls out his smokes and gives one to Brodie. BRIAN Here, man. BRODIE Thanks, I'll pay you back tomorrow. BRIAN Don' worry about it. Anyone else want a freebie, while I'm feeling generous? SQUIRT Sure dude, thanks. BEN Nah, I gots mine. KATE I've got my own, too. JASON Lemme get one o' those. The group lights up. BRODIE Hey Kate. You know how your parents use you to get back at eachother? Wouldn't I be outstanding in that capacity? They kiss as BRIAN walks off, throwing a triumphant fist in the air. SQUIRT throws a large tarp at BRODIE. The shot is black and white. SQUIRT Hey. You're closed! The shot goes back to normal. KATE Hey, I think we better get outta here. BRODIE I think you're right. BRODIE and KATE walk away and pause at the entrance to the park. They each have a pistol in their hand, which they proceed to tuck into the fronts of their trousers. They then walk out. JASON I guess we better bounce too. SQUIRT Yeh. They climb into a black jeep and speed off. After a moment they come speeding back. SQUIRT opens the door and picks a guitar case up off the ground and sits it in his lap. He closes the door. SQUIRT Just in case. It's a long way to the next town. They speed off. RACIST BOY picks up a piece of paper from the ground. He pulls a pencil out of his pocket and begins to scribble something down on the paper. He's shot, and he collapses into a puddle of mud. It begins to rain and mud gets all over him and the piece of paper, which is revealed to say, "BIRD". CUT to a close-up of BEN, who is laughing hysterically. BEN (V.O.) I was cured alright. BEN then walks over to the Pillsbury Park podium. He picks it up at great effort. He walks slowly over to a nearby building and heaves the podium through the window. As it loudly crashes through, DOMINIC sits straight up and starts laughing and cheering excitedly. BEN leaps through the window, and DOMINIC just laughs and laughs and laughs. Fade to black, roll the credits and play some good ending music, this flick is OVER!! THE END!