January 6, 2001
The weirdest thing happened today. I was thinking about Adam and me, and all the sudden I went numb. I couldn't move my eyes, or my face, or my mouth, or my whole body, but I could feel my eyes fill with tears. I don't know why, either. I'm even getting a little watery-eyed writing this. Maybe it's time to end it? It's not like he and I really have much of a relationship anyway, anymore. He went to a party this weekend. 20 people, 4 kegs, 1 apartment. You can't even begin to tell me there was only going to be males there. You know there was going to be some big-titted, stupid bimbos waiting to get all over some guys. And all Adam says to me before he leaves is, "I'll behave". Nevertheless, he had my trust. My full trust and belief. To be perfectly honest, no male has my full trust. I hate boys. And no, that doesn't mean I'm a lesbian. I know some macho, pigheaded asshole is going to come into my site, read this, and say, "Woohoo! Lesbian! Woohoo!" Well, fuck you. No, nevermind. I bet you'd like that, wouldn't you? I pretty much hate all people who have any sexual interest in me right now, because the truth is, that's about the only interest they have in me. I'll be talking to someone, trying to hold a normal conversation, and all the sudden, the topic will go from the weather to what I'm wearing. It just doesn't work that way. To better my "good" mood, Adam called me Queen Bitch yesterday before he left for Paradise City. Somehow, I take it as a distorted compliment. Good for me, huh? Yeah, that's what I thought. I'm just babbling... again.
"This world rejects me. This world threw me away. This world never gave me a chance." -Nine Inch Nails.
"Get away from me, stay the fuck away me!"
"I feel angry, I feel overwhelmed." -Creed.