+-the only way is one-+
January 7, 2001
I finally know what it really feels like to be alone. I don't have any friends at SCHS, I barely have any online friends, and my closest, dearest friends all live hundreds of miles away. It's okay though. Although I have a hole burnt deep inside my heart and soul, I'm alive more than ever. I'm beginning to get these odd little kicks from my pain. I take everything I feel out on my music, my art, and my writing. I don't really need friends. I have everything I need with a few blank sheets of paper, a pencil, and my brain. An old friend and I talked today. He's hanging out with the most elite of our little underground society, while I've disappeared from there for several months. You'll never believe the confinement I feel when I have friends. Especially when I have friends that don't understand me, and that I know would judge me for what I think, and that I know judge me behind my back. I hate people who think they're my friends because we have one thing in common, but who hate everything about me. If people don't like it that I listen to Eminem, Creed, Ben Folds Five, and even Edwin McCain, you can go fuck yourselves. And if you don't like it that I watch things like Queer as Folk and Oz, you can go fuck yourself again. And if you don't like the clothes and makeup I wear... well, you get the picture. The people who I consider my friends are the people who I know will love me no matter what I like, no matter who I am, and no matter what I believe, and so far in this life, I've only met one person like that. It's good to know though, that there's at least SOMEONE out there like that. I need a friend who I know will accept my skin color, the way I look, the things I like, how I dress, and how I do things. Of course, maybe everyone else isn't the screwed up one. Maybe I'm just really fucked up. Maybe no one will ever truly love me for who I am, because I'm such a piece of work. I know that I've got a bad temper, and that I can be a real bitch sometimes, but it's just part of me. Maybe I'm just not friends with the right people. After all, I don't like all heavy metal, I'm not a pagan or a satanist, I have no consequential desire (right now) to slit my wrists, and I've never been suspended or expelled, or even called to the principal's office. No matter what way you look at it, I will always be outcast. And I don't mind that so much. I don't want to have to conform for anyone, whether it be the cheerleaders, the jocks, the preps, the drama club, the rivetheads, the metalheads, the punkers, the hippies, the white trash, the goths, the wiggers, and the braniacs. I hang out with people who fit most of those, but they're all pretty integrated. I know people who are drama club cheerleadesr, metalhead braniacs, white trash goth, white trash hippies, and wigger preps (definitely not friends with any of these). I can't help but wonder where I fit in at. And then I realize that I don't fit in at all, and I feel much better.
"One, oh, one. The only way is one. I feel angry, I feel helpless, want to change the world, yeah. I feel violent, I feel alone, don't try to change my mind, no. Society blind by color, why hold down one to raise another? Discrimination now on both sides, seeds of hate blossom further. The world is heading for mutiny when all we want is unity. We may rise and fall, but in the end we meet our fate together. One, oh, one. The only way is one. One, oh, one. The only way is one. I feel angry, I feel helpless, want to change the world. I feel violent, I feel alone, don't try to change my mind." -Creed.
"When the dream dissolves I open up my eyes and realize that everything is shoreless sea. Weightlessness is passing over me." -Nina Gordon.
"I was angry when I met you, I think I'm angry still. We can try to talk it over, if you say you'll hear me out, don't worry baby." -Garbage.