It was a horrible day to be alive. Just when I was starting to feel good again, I had to go back to school. School completely screws everything else up. I feel so helpless and trapped and alone at school. My book bag tore wide open this morning, and in second period I noticed it. Every time I carried it anywhere after that, I had to hold it in a special position so my folders, books, and notebooks wouldn't fly out all over the ground. Every time I carried them from one class to another, my arms felt numb and lifeless. They just went limp at my sides. I don't blame them. I spent the entire first hour of school jabbering with Stormie about supernatural happenings. Then, I clammed up for the rest of the day. I concentrated mostly on my sketches and reading. Nothing else really appealed to me, maybe except for these two Greek Gods of men who kept looking at me. We'll call one of them Mr. R, and the other one Mr. J. Mr. J really isn't a Greek God type, but he's still cute. Mr. R, I'm pretty sure has a girlfriend. One of those pretty, popular, smart types, you know. Everything I'm not. In any event, he was probably only looking at me because he thinks I'm a freak. Same goes for Mr. J. Besides, Mr. R looks like the date-raper type. I've met his sister though, and she's really, really nice. She's so sweet. She's popular and pretty, and her friends pretty much disown her when she talks to me, but that's alright. She even looked at my sketches. She thinks they're good. She gave me her email address today. I could have died. It was too good. Weird, in a way. But good. Mr. R is pretty good-looking. But he's just a little creepy. I mean, he looks like the type that would get a girl drunk, wait for her to pass out, then ask her if it's alright to have sex with her. "Alright, just don't say anything if you want me as much as I want you." Silence. The unzipping of jeans. I can see it now. Actually, he seems pretty nice. He's never really made an effort to talk to me, but he smiles at me sometimes. That's totally creep. Greek Gods aren't supposed to smile at Hagitha's like me. In second hour, some kid moved over to the empty desk behind me and kept kicking my desk, all the while flapping his jaws to my neighbors. The girl with him never shut up. I was about to jam all of my colored pencils right up their asses when the bell rang, thank God. In third period, I sat around, wishing, hoping, deep down in my heart, that the people I sit next to would shut the Hell up and let me read in peace. But, there was no chance of that happening, and I doubt there will ever be one. In fourth hour, I was supposed to be studying for my Biology mid-term, and I really did try, but every time I tried to look at the book, I felt suddenly overcome by drowsiness. So, I read a book instead. I didn't eat lunch today. I just watched the happy people dig into their greasy cafeteria pizza and talk in their Southern drawls about things on farms I will most likely never understand. Then, in fifth period, I read some more. I tried not to listen to everyone else talking around me while I read On The Road by Jack Kerouac. Mr. R walked by me, singing Little Drummer Boy. When I looked up at him, he smiled and gazed at me through half open eyelids. It was incredibly unnerving. The people here act like they've never seen anyone read on their own free will; and to be quite honest, I don't think they have. The only time I've ever seen anyone here read a book was when we were forced to in English. Mr. M, the resident hottie geek babe boy stole a few glances at me, I think. I hope not. I hate people seeing me like this. Sixth period was a complete travesty. Mr. J looked at me. Twice. I laid my stuff down in the room by my desk, and when I came back, the principal was there, but I never even noticed him until I was sitting down. Apparently, Isaiah (or however that's spelled) and Jason were fighting again. Principal Pervert was standing in the room, screaming: "What IS wrong with you two?! Why can't we just be civilized people?? What are you two going to do when you get out of school, hmm? If this would have been your work place and your boss would have been here, you would have been fired! You're fired, you're fired!!" It was really hard not to laugh when he got down to that "you're fired" part. We have to watch Tom Sawyer and write a paragraph about it. Not the cheesy Jonathan Taylor Thomas version, but the old, crappy 1930s version. I was bored to tears. Then, Mrs. Wiser told us that our Career Day was January 16. Career Day! HA! I thought they stopped doing that in the 1970s! It was really sad. I nearly died. It took everything I had to keep from laughing. Megan kept bullshitting about how some guy is supposed to call her tonight. With my luck, it's Mr. J. Or even Mr. R. Sigh. The walk home was excruciating. I was so happy to be in a safe, warm, quiet place I nearly pissed my pants. It was too good to be true. I guess some things never change.
"Hey, I'm feeling tired. My time is gone today. You flirt with suicide, sometimes that's okay. Hear what others say, I'm here standing hollow. Falling away from me, falling away from me. Day is here fading. That's when I'm insane. I flirt with suicide, sometimes kill the pain. I can always say, 'It's gonna be better tomorrow.' Falling away from me, falling away from me. Beating me down, beating me, beating me down. Down, down into the ground." -Korn.
"She lives in the glamour days, the Euro-fashion phase. So set another trap some other way, 'cause she's not biting. And oh no, she's getting wasted again. ...Imagine that." -Orgy.
"Are you proud of me now? I can't tell. I'm not as frealess as you. Still I pretend that you're still standing by to show me wrong from right, never got a chance to say goodbye." -Orgy.