Her name is Megan H, and I like her already. His name is Robert, and I hate him already. Let's talk about Megan first though, shall we? I'd seen her around school lots of times before, and we had exchanged hellos and I sat in front of her once during the Christmas concert. She also complimented me on my choice of clothing (which, that day, would have been a pair of black pants and an old grunged out Nirvana t-shirt). Yesterday, before leaving for the field trip, we were all herded into the auditorium. Megan was there, sitting all by herself. I couldn't help but say Hello. She's just one of those girls I can look at and say, "I really want to get to know her". And I do. So, we sat together in the auditorium, and then, we sat together in the bus, even though she was supposed to sit with Warren, her date. She and I chattered for a while, then we ended up falling asleep on the way to, and back from Murfreesboro. We had a jolly great time at the medieval thing. I did, anyway. I wasn't sure about her. I couldn't help but feel I was keeping her from the rest of her friends, but it's also not like I put a gun to her head and told her she absolutely had to sit with me, or anything. She even gave me a ring on the bus. Albeit, a cheap ring, it was still a ring. I hope I see Megan again, but I didn't see her today. I think people enjoy avoiding me on purpose. Now, let's talk about that stupid fuck, Robert. I hate him I hate him, I hate him. He's the new boy in our Math class. There's a vacant desk beside me. He eyed it, then got right in front of me, looked me over and in the face, and walked to the back of the room, where there's barely a vacancy. Every time I see him now, he looks down at me almost in disgust. He's gotta be at least 6'4", and a year younger than me. It's not like he's that great looking, either. He's all pink, with spikey hair, and bad denim. And he smells like dirt and vodka. I can't really say I've seen that many guys on campus who are hot for me, though, you know, like drooling and trying to hide their hard-ons. They only do that to the 90-lb, collagen lipped women with horrible red and blonde hair. I've never ever seen a guy go after anyone at this school with brown hair, except Samantha, but she IS pretty, and I'll give her that much. Robert is pink... ugh. I like my men pasty white. Like Jesse. Prime example. Love his skin color. Sexual vanilla. Jesse is actually more pale than I am, but I think that's cool. No one's ever been able to out do me. Shit. Who cares about skin color. I'm more worried about how they're gonna treat me. I don't care if I can find the palest motherfucker on the planet, he'd better treat me like a god-damn goddess. I miss Angela. I miss Stockton, period. Maybe there are more opportunities for me here, but I don't care. I'd rather be in Bumfuck Kansas for five minutes, then be here for three more years. I'd rather be dead than have to be here for three more years. I wonder what the Hell I'm supposed to do on this planet. All I've done so far is managed to defame myself in ways I never thought possible. I wonder if the Gods have some great purpose for me, or whether I'm here just be everyone's whipping girl. I guess only time will tell. Lately, I've been thinking of someone, and the realization that I like them maybe more than I should is horribly scary. Gods damn. I hate being a fucked up teenager.
"You put yourself in stupid places. Yes, I think you know it's true, situations where it's easy to look down on you. I think you like to be the victim, I think you like to be in pain. I think you make yourself the victim almost every single day. You do what you do, you say what you say, you try to be everything to everyone. You know all the right people, you play all the right games, you always try be to be everything to everyone." -Everclear.
"I have this theory that if we're told we're bad, then that's the only idea we'll ever have. Maybe if we are surrounded in beauty, we will become what we see. Anyone can start a conflict, it's harder yet to disregard it. I'd rather see the world from another angle, we are every day angels. Be careful with me, 'cause I'd like to stay that way." -Jewel.
"My heart carries on, but my head knows better." -Natalie Imbruglia.
"Night falls, I'm alone. Skin, yeah, chilled me to the bone. You turned and you ran. Oh, slipped right from my hand. Blue on black, tears on a river, a push on a shove, it don't mean much. Joker on jack, match on fire, cold on ice, a dead man's touch. Whisper on a scream, doesn't change a thing. Don't bring you back... blue on black. Blind, oh, now I see. Truth, lies, and in between. Wrong can't be undone. Slipped, from the tip of your tongue. Blue on black, tears on a river, a push on a shove, it don't mean much. Joker on jack, match on a fire, cold on ice, it's a dead man's touch. Whisper on a scream, doesn't change a thing. Don't bring you back... blue on black." -Kenny Wayne Shepherd.