I hate living here. I hate being what seems like a million miles away from my best friends. I hate girls, too. And some boys. Some boys are okay... but girls suck. You can all suck my piece. If I had one. I'm very androgynous. And I'm happy that way. Yup, I still got my girlie-girl part, but I'd much rather be a boy. Actually, I'd just rather not be any of either sex, because I just realized how much I hate girls, and how much being a gay guy would be a pain. It's bad enough being straight.
Wanna know what else I'm sick of? Giving and giving and giving to people, and never getting anything back. What the Hell am I supposed to do? Cater to everyone's needs, and never worry about my own? It's selfish, I know. But I don't really care. They're being selfish when all they do is talk about how much something means to them, and how much they want me to do something for them. I hate everyone and everything. Except maybe a few people. Adam, Jesse, Joseph, Angela, Sarah, and the posse in Kansas. It's amazing how selfish people can be... and not even realize how much they hurt other people. It's like, HELLOOOOOOO... how stupid can you get? I'm sick and tired of giving love but never getting anything back except for being talked to how a three year old would be spoken to. It's like if I make daddy proud I'll get a special treat. It's sickening to be thought of as a play thing... just here for everyone to use. What about my feelings? What about what I want? Every time I ask someone that, they just stare at me blankly and shrug. No one ever listens to me, or asks me what I want. Did I want to move to Tennessee? No. No one asked me how I felt. And now I'm miserable here. And I'm deeply worried about Joseph. He was going to call me (and for that I apologize, as I'm not supposed to have calls from any of my friends that are men anymore), but he never did. I never saw him online again either. What are friends for? All they do is worry you and put you in a bad place. But sometimes they do good things. Sometimes. Like make you want to live just for them. Sad things like that. I'm feeling incredibly used, unloved, and abused. But you don't care about that.
"I would give my life to get some rest, but I'll do anything when Simon says." -Drain STH.
"Feed me with my pride, satiate the liar. Bleed me in your arms, let me be devoured. Now you see me, now you don't. You see, the leech is fed, but I can't deny. The blood that was there wasn't really mine. I said I loved you, you should know I lied. Lead me to the light, blind me with devotion. Read me, I rely on all of your emotions. Now you see me, now you don't. You see the leech is fed, but I can't deny. The blood that was there wasn't really mine. I said I loved you, you should know I lied." -Drain STH.
"And so I can't ignore, my heart is bruised and sore. My sanctuary has been raked, been raked. My soul is colored red, from all the love I bled. My crucifixtion is complete, complete. Now I need a substitute for the love that gave, now I just can't be saved, and there is no salvation for me, yeah. My sin was to touch, but I wanted too much. Now I know that I've fallen from grace, yeah. No matter how I try, I still can't justify. My absolution is denied, denied. And so I'm left to burn, my body craves and yearns. The beast inside me is alive, alive." -Drain STH.
"Pray until your number, asleep from all your pain. Your apple has been rotting, tomorrow's turned up dead. I have it all and I have no choice but to. I'll make everyone pay, and you will see. You can kill yourself now, because you're dead in my mind." -Marilyn Manson.
"She's made of hair and bones and little teeth, and things I cannot speak. She comes on like a crippled play thing, spine is just a string. I wrapped our love in all this foil, silver-tight like spider legs. I never wanted it to spoil, but flies will always lay their eggs. Take you hatred out on me, make your victim my head. You never believed in me, I am your tourniquet." -Marilyn Manson.