+-i wish....-+
January 30, 2001 [01-30-01]
My friends are the best people on Earth, no matter how rotten they really may be. I love them all. I wish I had something to hold on to right now, but I don't. I really miss my grandmother... even though she was a devout churchgoer, she always loved me, no matter how weird I was, or what I heretic I was. Dammit. Why does life have to be this way? Why can't my life just be cake? Why can't my friends at least have easy lives? We're always so heart-broken it amazes me that we don't pull off a Heaven's Gate and off ourselves together. It would traditional us style. Dammit. That's today's word, kids. Say it with me. DAMMIT! DAMMIT! DAMMIT! I feel a little better now. Today sucked. It sucked dickishly.. Robert looked at me. Again. And he spoke to me. It was gag-worthy. My hair looked horrible this morning. It was all frizzy, and straight in some places. It was totally gross. I was dressed like such a horrible little hippie. Blue tye-dyed shirt with a weird, shiney Chinese dragon design on the sleeve and chest, and my jeans with a huge hole in the crotch. Oh! I met a girl from Kansas who goes to our school. Her name is Megan. She's from Arkansas City. I have absolutely no clue where that is, but it doesn't matter. We're kindred now. Not really. She has friends. She's been moving back and forth between here and Kansas. But, she said something that let me know I'm not completely alone. She said, "I had a bad life in Kansas, but here it's only worse. I thought things sucked there, but they REALLY suck here." I could have died. I just nodded and said, "Yeah..." like an imbecile. That's alright, though. Sometimes things are better left unsaid. Kelly, Megan H.'s sister, let me sit with her at the pep rally today. The little hippie-dippie, stylish group has their own little corner, which I sit in all the time at the pep rallies, when I go. Tabitha, Christina, Angel, Kelly, Megan, Gus, and all the regulars sit there. I refer to them as "regulars", because they're all the people who talk to me the most. Except Tabitha, Angel, and Gus. They've never really spoke to me or even looked at me, which I think is sort of funny. Give me a break. Gimme a break, gimme a break, break me off a piece of that KIT KAT BAR! Oh, sorry. Random spaz moment. High school is such a big goddamn joke. Ugh. And I forgot to mention that there's a local band made up of the high school boys. They're called 3:16. It consists of the twins, Devon and Derek, and some dude named Matt. They're a Christian band. Can we say 'gag'? Actually, some Christian bands are good. Others, suck. Derek thinks he's goddamn Justin Timberlake though. He has bleached blonde hair all over the top, but it's completely black at the bottom. Ugh. That shit makes me sick. And he thinks he's the complete shit. That little redhead bitch who he hangs out with pisses me off too. And Devon. Guh. Alright, I'm sorry. I don't mean to make accussations like this, I don't even know the guy. But I know I have a personal vendetta with all boy bands. That's why I'm going to have a kick ass girl band like Drain STH when I grow up. YEAH! My lyrics are already filled with pain and shit. Just wait until I put self-complaint music to it. YEAH YEAH YEAH! What the Hell just happened to me? I was in a really pissy mood, now I'm totally hyper. That shit is weird. I think I just needed something to confide in. I really miss Angela. I used to tell her EVERYTHING. That chick knew more about me than anyone on Earth did, maybe except for my counselor. I really gotta wonder sometimes... how much my closest friends know about me. I think half of them didn't even know most of my name all the time. Sigh. That's not true... my closest friends knew at least that much. It was the acquaintances that didn't know crap. And that brings me to this: more people at school know my name than I thought they did. People who know my name: Brad, Christina, Carrie, Tia, Kelly, Megan H, Megan D., Stormie, Annetta, Elizabeth, Jamie E., La Tora, Cassandra, Nicole, Nikki, Kari, Josh, Shirl (who *IS* a boy), Melissa, Crystal, Amanda, and Joey, methinks. I think most of the rest of them just refer me to as, "That pissed off girl" or "That weird chick". Anyway, I'd better go now. Mom's in here AGAIN.
"Am I too corrosive? Am I just too weak? Am I too contagious? Am I just a freak? I wish that I could hold you. I wish that I could hate you. I wish that I could hold you just one more time. Am I what you made me? Am I what you'll reap? Am I what you dreamed of? Or am I just a creep? I still see you in my mind. I wish that I could have one more time. I know that it will be just fine. All is well no, no need to cry, no need to cry..." -Drain STH.