Hi. Not much to say. Let me update you on my soap opera of a life. My uncle is still in the hospital with Scarlet Fever. His fever just went down from 104. Adam and me haven't been talking a whole lot lately. I sort of miss his closeness. I wish I wouldn't have said that. I hate being vulnerable. What can I say? God. I hate this so much. If I would trade places with someone for one day, I would trade places with me. I'm not who everyone says I am. People are always telling me how nice I am, how pretty I am, how smart I am, etc., etc. But when I look in the mirror, all I see is ugliness, nastiness, stupidity, and no emotion whatsoever. All I see is someone who -wishes- they were alive. I mean, for Chrissake, when my mom was my age, she was out hot-wiring cars. All I do is the same thing over and over again until I go to sleep. I get up, I do what people tell me to, I go to school, I do what people tell me to, I come home, I do what people tell me to, then I go to sleep, where no one gets to tell me what to do, in my sleeping state. Then I wake up and I do it all over again. I'm sick of being a human waste of space. I don't know how anyone could possibly call this an existance. I'm so sick of being me. Why can I just be Jamie? The Jamie who almost everyone likes... not this shy, quiet, book-wormy little girl who keeps to herself and is rarely noticed... I'm just so sick of all of this. I don't know what I want anymore. I just know that I don't want to be like this anymore. I desperately need to be liked. I need to be loved. I need someone to tell me what they REALLY, truly think of me. I just need to stop wearing this constant mask of happiness all the time. I put on this facade to benefit my friends and my family. No one really knows how I feel on the inside, and I wouldn't even know where to begin... when I do tell people how I feel, they tell me to suck it up inside and that everything is going to be better soon. I've been promised that since grade school. Things aren't getting any better, and my life is only getting more and more non-existant. Some days I think I just might disintegrate into a million small pieces, and no one will ever even know where I went. They won't even remember me. I'll be lucky if anyone remembers my birthday. I feel like no one ever takes the time to notice the real me. The me on the inside... instead of the smiling girl on the outside. No one takes the time to recognize that I'm really hurting on the inside, and that everything is not going to be better. Not even my closest friends take me seriously when I tell them how I feel. I hate to break this to my friends, but the person they loved is gone. Now there's just me. Scary, depressed, emotionless, insane, schizophrenic, screaming on the inside me. Oh well. It doesn't matter anymore. Nothing does.
"Am I too corrosive? Am I just too weak? Am I too contagious? Or am I just a freak?" -Drain STH.
"I'm using life. It's true, I don't mind if you leave. You're fated, I'm always relieved. I hope you understood the words unsaid. So many room inside my head. Too many places. Sometimes I'm dying to be dead. Too many lovely faces. It's like a poison to me. I ain't what you see. I'm too scared to be. Won't you set me free? Leave it all to be. I won't pretend. I'm not scared to death of being left alone. My love for you is still unknown." -Drain STH.
"I'm so happy, 'cause today I found my friends, they're my in head..." -Nirvana.