I have a confession to make. Right now I don't really care about anyone in the world, because anyone in the world doesn't care about me. I guess. Two people in the entire world care for me, and I care for them back, but that's about it. I think I'm kept around just as a commodity. As everyone's little whipping girl. No one cares about what I think, or what I do, or what I say. They just want me around so when they feel bad they can vent on me, and take everything out on me. I at least know of one person for sure who does that to me. It's not a good feeling, when you can actually tell that people are only using me. Half of my so-called friends don't even talk to me anymore. Two people. Just two people who I consider real friends much anymore. I just started talking to a guy who I broke up with in 1999. He and I have never even talked since then. Never. Not once. It's a long, drawn out sob story that I won't go into right now. It's nice talking to him. The scary thing is, is that I've become just like he was two years ago. Just like him. In fact, I have bits and pieces of all of my friends inside of me. The worst parts of them. Knowing that no one cares, having no hope for the future, feeling unloved and unwanted... God. What I have really become? Most of the time I don't even feel like a human being. My whole life just feels like a dream. Every day when I wake up, and I go to school, it just feels like a big dream. I can't really believe that I'm all the way in Tennessee, apart from my friends and family, missing out on the laughs we used to have when we were all together. Now it's all hitting me. All this painful reality. Reality is a goddamn slap in the face. The girl I was two years ago... is completely someone different. The girl I was a year ago is way different. If the girl I was two years ago were to walk up to the girl I am today, I'd beat the crap out of her, no holds barred. I'd just bruise her and batter her like a red-headed step child. And then I'd laugh and simply walk away. All the sudden, the realization that I'm 900 miles away from everyone I love just hit me. It's a horrible feeling, when you walk down the halls of school without anyone at your sides, like you used to have. It's horrible when you have to sit alone in the cafeteria, and in every class, and you rarely ever open your mouth at school, or home. But no one notices anything wrong. I'm just naturally quiet and shy as it is. I don't really think I serve a purpose in this world. I'm just everyone's whipping girl. I'm just laid out on a table, ready to be taken and used. It's like, "Take what you want, I don't need it anymore." Sometimes I hurt so bad it's hard to even breathe. But no one believes me. I'm just a goddamn drama queen. Just a drama queen.. that's all. I need a cry for help. But I don't even have a whisper. I need to get someone's attention somehow. I can't talk to my parents. They just think I need a srhink. I can't talk to anyone at school without them looking at me like I'm crazed. I can't talk to anyone online. They're just there. They all have screwed up lives too, and when I try to talk about mine I just get pushed aside. You're right, maybe I don't have it as bad as them, but more shit goes on in my life than anyone will ever know. How can anyone possibly think I have an easy life? I go through every day hating me, hating my life, hating everything about me. I'm overweight, I have tons of acne, I'm clutzy, I'm an idiot, I'm not even pretty... how could anyone possibly want to be friends with this? Why does Adam even keep me around? It's truly pitiful. I wonder if any of my friends are happy. I wonder what happy actually is. It's not like I would know, after all. I don't think I've ever really been happy. I don't think I ever will be happy, no matter who I have, or what I have, or anything. I'm just doomed to be depressed forever. Oh well, you know. There are worse things. I just have yet to find them.
"She's led to believe, that it'll be okay. Look at your face scarred in dismay. Times have changed, and so have you, I think I'd rather crucify than learn. Sit and watch me burn! Takes so much away from inside you, makes no sense you know he can't guide you, he's your fucking shoulder to lean on, be strong." -Kittie.
"I could have made a wish but it wouldn't come true, white trash bitch controls you. Born and raised in a trailor park, and all the faces of the lies around you. Your simple pleasures come from someone else's pain, the way you like it." -Orgy.
"She's not the kind of girl who likes to tell the world about the way she feels about herself. She takes a little time in making up her mind. She doesn't want to fight against the tide. Lately, I'm not the only one. I said never trust anyone. Always the one who has to drag her down. Maybe you'll get what you want this time around. Can't bare to face the truth.. so sick you cannot move. And when it hurts, he takes it out on you. And lately, I'm not the only one. I've said, never trust anyone. Always the one who has to drag her down. Maybe you'll get what you want this time around. The trick is to keep breathing." -Garbage.