Everything's broken. Seriously. I broke up with Adam today. I haven't felt the same since. I hate this. I just hate it... I wasn't even being serious when I broke up with him. He and I had been fighting ever since last night, and out of sheer boredom and wanting to grab his attention, I said, "We're over." And he hasn't spoken to me since. It's like there's this big empty heart where a big part of my heart used to be. I can't stop crying. I know I've talked about ending it with him completely, but I never realized how much it would actually hurt... and God, does it hurt. I've always, always pictured me and Adam together. I really thought he and I were going to grow up together, and get married, and have a little boy and a little girl... but I guess not. Adam was my first true love. Is, and will always be, as well. He was the first boy that ever told me I was beautiful... he was the first person that ever told me I was special, or that I meant anything to them. Adam was one of my guy friends, and he was my best friend. He seemed to take it rather well. I, however, on the other hand, am finally beginning to feel what he felt a few months short of a year ago, when I told him that I didn't want him around anymore. I feel so helpless, and hopeless. I feel like a huge part of me is missing, and the rest of the pieces are shattered. I keep hoping that if I cry a little more, and I wish hard enough, maybe that part of me I used to have will come back to life. Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up back in Kansas, with Adam as my fiance, and all my old friends. Maybe this whole thing was just a dream. Because right now I'm numb. I don't feel a thing but pain... even my tears are beginning to wear off. Of course I say that, and I realize five minutes from now that I'm only going to cry again. I still don't think I really know what kind of impact this is going to have on my life. Tomorrow I'm going to wake up, still thinking that Adam and I are dating, and when I realize everything that's happened, I doubt I'll even be in good enough shape to go to school. I already tried telling Adam that I was sorry... it's just not doing any good. I guess if we were reversed, it'd be exactly the same way though. I don't really blame him. We've hurt each other in the past. I feel rotten and miserable right now. Like someone just punched me in the stomach while I had killer cramps. I'm even having problems breathing. Ugh. I feel miserable, and rotten. But that doesn't even begin to say how I truly feel. I just feel absolutely worthless. I really always did think that no matter what, me and Adam would be together. But I ran my mouth, said some things I didn't mean... now it's just all over. I thought Adam and I could overcome the worst. He knows I would take him back no matter what. Even if he cheated on me, or beat me, I'd take him back. But I guess I made one too many mistakes or something. It was inevitable... I knew we were gonna break up again, for good, sometime. Just didn't know how soon. It's pretty poor. Wait... now, Adam says we've never broken up... and the weird thing is, is that I sorta want some space. I need space. Dammit! He says if we break up that we won't even be friends. What a tough decision. Dammit. Just dammit. Dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit. Oh, and this is for Jesse... I know my problems matter to someone. I'm just a master at making my problems seem like they don't matter much. There's so much no one knows. Now, back to Adam... I need some space. Seriously. I need to clear out my head. If he and I were married, I'd go back to my mother's place for a few weeks. The trouble with that, is that I AM in my mother's house, and it's not really doing anything. Wait, it's official. We're sorta broken up. I guess separated is a more accurate word. I promised not to touch any other guys. It's weird... an hour ago, I didn't want to be broke up with him... now I feel better. That's screwed up. Oh yeah. I wonder how this is gonna be. Shit. Oh well. For once, I feel almost all cleared out. Like I can breathe now. Adam... poor guy. Really. I feel bad for what I've done... and I'm sorry because I know he's had a pretty shitty life too. I know that it's not all his fault because of the way he is. His parents got divorced, I'm sure, when he was pretty young... and he's lost a lot of his good friends. I just need him to know that I'll always be around for him. Seriously... because I hope I'm still his best friend. I can't imagine it any other way.
"I only see myself reflected in your eyes. So all that I believe I am, essentially are lies. And everything I hoped to be, or ever thought I was, died with your belief in me. So what the Hell am I? I don't know if I am real without you, what is left of me without you? I don't know what's real without you, how can I exist without you? I'm wandering around confused, wondering why I try. The more that you deny my pain, the more it intensifies. I pray for someone to ache for me, the way I ache for you. If you ignore that I'm alive, I've nothing left to cling to. I don't if I am real without, what is left of me without you? I don't know what's real without you, how can I exist without you? I stare into this mirror, so tired of this life. If only you would speak to me, or cared if I'm alive. Once, I swore I would die for you, but I never meant like this. No, I never meant like this. I don't know if I am real without you, what is left of me without you? I don't know what's real without you, how can I exist without you? How can I exist without you? How can I exist without you? How can I exist without you?" -Stabbing Westward.