-+tonight, tonight-+
May 15, 2001 [5-13-01]
It's been a rather frustrating week. I'll be happy when school is out. I won't go into the specifics of the week before Friday. Friday night, Carla, Jason, Rose, Jonathan and I were all supposed to go to a place called Greenway Cafe in Cookeville. It was supposed to be a bonding event between Carla, Jonathan, and I and Rose and Jason, because Rose and Jason are seniors and Friday was their last day at school. So, anyway. None of us knew how to get to Cookeville, even Carla, who was driving. It tooks us about an hour and a half to get into Cookeville. It probably only should have taken an hour. Carla doesn't have a radio in her car, so we had to be our own entertainment. Carla's driving was enough to keep everybody on their toes. When we got to Cookeville, we had to drive around for about a half an hour before we finally settled on a place to go. Jason couldn't find Greenway Cafe. So, we ended up going to this place called Poet's. It's official. I hate coffee houses. I would never and could never work in one. Reasons why I hate coffee houses:
1. They are filled with college people.
1a. College people are loud and obnoxious.
1b. They make me want to pull out all of my hair and scream simultaneously.
2. The atmosphere. Who in the Hell wants to sit around in uncomfortable wooden chairs at small tables and drink mocha until they puke or piss their pants?
Those are all the reasons I can think of right now. Any college person who just read this probably thinks I'm an immature little twit. And I am, so there. Although I didn't appreciate a bunch of college posers standing around BSing about nothing, I loved spending time with my friends. Carla was so hopped up on whatever she had to drink that by the time we left, she couldn't talk straight and she was staggering. It was actually pretty funny. Our next big adventure was Burger King. The people totally fucked our orders up. Then they were pissed off when we complained. I was so very tired and out of it that I could have bitchslapped the manager right then and there. By the end of the evening, it was almost one in the morning. I fell asleep in the car on the way home. I think Rose and Jonathan did too, or else they were just being very quiet. Every now and then I would wake up and catch bits and pieces of Carla and Jason's conversation, and feel guilty and go back to sleep. Even though I was in the car, and I don't think they knew I was asleep, I still felt a little like I was spying on them. The first person to be dropped off was Jonathan. I tried to get out of the car too, but I was hardly awake and everything I did was slow and jerky. I just wanted to go into Jonathan's, call my parents and tell them where I was, then go to sleep. Instead, Carla and Jason insisted on dropping me off at my own home. Whatever, you know. I just wanted to go to sleep in a bed. Saturday, I called Jonathan around 9 and then went over to his house in my pajamas with no make up on. We slept pretty much all day long. Sunday... I don't remember Sunday. We played video games all day long on Sunday. Monday was a shitty day just like every Monday. Today was temultuous in itself. I have asked all of my online friends (or at least the ones I could catch online-- I don't even know if some of my friends are still living) to forget me. I love all of my friends. Each and every one of them, no matter how they've wronged or righted me. I love them all. But I can't handle being online anymore. It brings back a lot of bad memories and mixed feelings. I'm never here to listen to any of my friend's problems anymore. Day after day I'm told that I'm a good person, and that I'm a great friend, but deep down inside I know the truth. I am a nobody, and will be one forever. I'm just another shoulder to cry on. I have a loving, beautiful boyfriend, lots of great friends, and I'm making more every day... but what I don't have is a single clue about what to do with my life. Every day I get pressure... people always telling me what to do with my life, or what not to do with my life. Then at other times, I feel like there should be someone telling me what to do. I don't know which I like more. When I was in Kansas, being tormented and treated like shit by everyone... virtually being invisible or getting negative attention, or here, where I've got (from what I've been told) a lot of friends, a sweet boyfriend, and a wonderful personality... but not a friggin' idea about what to do with my entire life. I don't think anyone will ever know about how I truly feel. I'm getting depressed again. I don't want to be around my friends anymore, I don't want to watch TV, I don't want to eat. I just want to lie down and stare at a wall, or cry. A week or so ago, I started crying at the breakfast table in school. It reminded me a lot of the time after my cousin got beat up, when I burst into tears in the cafeteria, and my mom came and picked me up. I wanted my mom to come and pick me up a week ago, too. I hated crying in front of everyone. Everyone was going, "What's wrong? What's the matter?" And I wouldn't talk to any of them. I feel terrible right now. I can't even tell Jonathan how I feel sometimes. It's just too hard. I don't want to complain to him, or sound like a baby. I'm worried about people having a bad opinion of me. I'm worried about people getting tired of me. I just want everything to be okay.
"I can almost hear you scream." -A Perfect Circle.
"You don't see me at all." - A Perfect Circle.
"I wish you were here with me now..." -Bush.
"You in the dark, you in the pain, you on the run. Living a hell, living your ghost, living your end. Never seem to get in the place that I belong. Don't want to lose the time, lose the time to come on. Whatever you say, it's alright, whatever you do, it's all good. Whatever you say, it's alright. Silence is not the way. We need to talk about it. If heaven is on the way, we'll wrap the world around it." Bush.