+-there's no place like home-+

October 28, 2000 [10-28-00]

I have a scary story for everyone just in time for Halloween. The other night while I was trying to go to sleep, I kept hearing thumping noises outside of my window. I just assumed it was an animal or something. Mom heard it too, and just as I was about to float off to that happy dreamy place where I can take away my problems, known as sleep, she woke me up, asking if I heard that thumping outside. I nodded and she went to turn on the porch light. After that, it stopped. Yesterday I heard my mom talking to my aunt on the phone and I heard her say that some guys had been watching our house and eying it for the past couple of days. How freaky is that?? My mom was up until one last night, but I petered out on her and fell asleep at eleven. And get this. I was still tired today! I slept for about two hours this afternoon. I used to have all sorts of f*cked up sleeping disorders in Kansas. Here, if you put my head on a pillow, I'm out like a light. And you really want to know something that pisses me off? Girls who act like they're all that and a bag of f*cking nachos. No one wants your ICQ number, AIM name, or MSN id. GO JUMP OFF A BRIDGE, you sluts. Another thing that pisses me off. People say they care about me so I won't off myself or something, when they actually don't want it to be their faults. Grr... I just want to be sick right now. I can either live, and be miserable, or die, and become a statstic. Every time I start talking about suicide, people just tell me to cut the shit. Aren't you supposed to say, "What's wrong?" instead of "Cut this suicide shit. I'm not in the mood for it today." I mean, hello. Talk about oblivious to someone's cry for help. I know I'm pathetic. It's even worse when someone says, "What crawled up your ass and died?" Yeah, f*ck you. No one notices how I feel. No one notices that I may be silent on the outside, but that doesn't mean I'm not screaming on the inside. Because I am. Some days I just feel like my insides are being torn apart. I mean, I truly feel it. The worst thing is when someone says, "You don't have to be sarcastic." I'm not f*cking being sarcastic when I say I want to die! Jesus Christ. I'm running out of reasons to live. I don't have any friends, most everyone could care less about whatever I do, my parents don't even notice me, all I can do is sit around and feel sorry for myself. I don't even do anything. No one'll miss me. I don't have any friends here. I don't have a job. I'm just some bratty little fifteen year old kid. When I smart off to my mom, all she tells me to do is shut up. I think I've been shut up for too long now. I'm a human-being and I have feelings too. They're not always pleasant or happy feelings, but I feel like someone should be there with me when I'm feeling them. I just can't take it anymore. No one cares anymore.

"I never thought I'd die alone, I laughed the loudest who'd have known? I traced the cord back to the wall, no wonder it was never plugged in at all. I took my time, I hurried up. The choice was mine, I didn't think enough. I'm too depressed too go on, you'll be sorry when I'm gone. I never conquered, rarely came, 16 just held such better days. Days when I still felt alive, the world was wide, too late to try. The tour was over, I'd survived. I couldn't wait 'till I got home to pass the time in my room alone. I never thought I'd die alone, another six months and I'll be unknown. Give all my things to all my friends. You'll never step foot in my room again. You'll close it off, board it up. Remember the time that I slipped the cup of apple juice in the hall? Please tell mom this is not her fault. I never conquered, rarely came, tomorrow holds such better days. Days when I can still feel alive, when I can't wait to get outside. The world is wide, the time goes by. The tour is over, I survived. I can't wait 'till I get home, to pass the time in my room alone." -Blink 182.

"Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage." -The Smashing Pumpkins.

"Help me, comfort me, stop me from feeling what I'm feeling now. The rope is here, now I'll find a use. I'll kill myself, I'll put my head in a noose. My suicidal dream... voices telling me what to do. My suicidal dream... I'm sure you will get yours too." -Silverchair.

"Cheap cocaine, a dry inhale, the pills that kill and take the pain away. Diet of life, shelter without the face that cannot see inside yours and mine. When I'm hiding, when I need it, it lets me breathe. For our handle on this life, I don't believe this time. Would you look at me now? Can you tell I'm a man with these scars on my wrist to prove I'll try to die again? Try to die again... try to live through this night. Try to die again." -Pantera.

"Reverend, reverend? Is this this a conspiracy? Crucified for no sins. No revenge beneath me. Lost within my plans for life. It all seems so unreal... I'm a man cut in half in this world, left in my misery. The reverend turned to me without a tear in his eye. Nothing new for him to see, I didn't ask him why. I will remember the love our souls had sworn to make. Now I watch the falling rain... and all I can see now is your face. Well I guess you took my youth and gave it all away. Like the birth of a new-found joy this love would end in rage. When she died, I couldn't cry, the pride within my soul... You left me incomplete, all alone as the memories still unfold. Believe the word. I will unlock my door, and pass the cemetary gates. Sometimes when I'm alone, I wonder out loud if you're watching over me, some place far abound. I must reverse my life. I can't live in the past. Set my soul free and belong to me at last. Through all those complex years, I thought I was alone. I didn't care to look around and make this world my own. And when she died, I should've cried, and spared myself some pain. She left me incomplete, all alone as the memories still remain... The way we were, the chance to save my soul... and my concern is now in vain. Believe my word. I will unlock my door. And pass the cemetary gates." -Pantera.